Well, there’s another job opening on capitol hill. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has resigned. I’d like to apply. The problem is, unless you’re a kiss-ass Circuit Court judge you’ve got absolutely no shot. That is so not fair. I’m pretty sure they might even require me to have a law degree. I think more government jobs should be like jury duty. You just open up your mailbox one day, and it’s like, “Oh my God! I’ve got to go sit on the Supreme Court next week!” I also think that the laws of this country should be in the hands of the regular people that they apply to. The Supreme Court decides on laws regarding racial equality, reproductive rights and gay marriages. First off, each Supreme Court Justice makes well into six figures, and they were able to afford to go to law school in the first place, so there is little chance they have ever had any kind of discrimination or bias levied against them whatsoever. They are all so old that any of the medical procedures that they debate in regards to reproductive rights and stem cell research didn’t even exist when these geriatric, prune eating, tight asses had the chance to reproduce. As old as they are though, I think it is cool that the men feel comfortable cross-dressing. Even if I was offered the job I’d be a little reluctant to wear a black dress 40 hours a week. Apparently they are all very proud that they graduated high school, but they seem to have lost their caps. If I am made a Supreme Court Justice the first thing I’d do is to revise the uniform. Jeans, sneakers, and a nice “Check out my Washington Monument” t-shirt would be acceptable. Then I’d go to work on the laws. I’d of course implement laws against the cell phone people. Then I’d make it a law that we will not do the daylight savings time thing anymore. Why? Is there a good reason for that? Did you know that there’s two states that don’t do it at all. I’d also make it a law that if one person has been killed in a shark attack then that beach stays closed for a week. Yes, I’m talking to all of you in Florida. Last week one person gets eaten and you open the beach the very next day. A couple days later another swimmer is attacked. Then a couple days later another swimmer is bitten. One swimmer bitten might be called a fluke occurrence, but if two are bitten in one week I’m starting to see a pattern. After two people were bitten in one week, why was anyone still willing to go swimming in the same ocean? After three people were bitten in about 10 days I’ve got to think that somewhere underwater some shark has put up an “All You Can Eat Buffet” sign and is charging his friends admission. They say that fish is brain food for people, but I don’t think people are brain food for sharks. At least not the people these sharks are eating. They are definitely not very smart. Then again, why make a law? This seems like natural selection at its’ finest. If you dopes want to go swimming go right ahead, just make sure you vote for Phil for Supreme Court Justice before you go.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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