Here is my equivalent of “All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten.” These are things that I’ve learned in the company of my friends over the years:
1. More often than not, a group of shirtless men walking through an affluent Chicago neighborhood will result in a call to the police by someone.
2. If you wake up to find people eating whipped cream and strawberries off of your body, lie very still until they’re done.
3. The wedding receptions are much more fun than the rest of the marriage.
4. If you drink alcohol you are not responsible for your own actions. They are.
5. If something bad happens to you when you’re sleeping, naked, or drunk, it’s your own fault for getting that way in the first place.
6. There is nothing you can do that is too stupid.
All in all though, if there are “The 5 People You Meet in Heaven,” I want the first three to be the rest of the Golden Boys. After that I choose Stephen King and whomever leaves the most comments on my blog.