Shopping mall security has to be the absolute lowest form of law enforcement, if you can call it that. Have you ever seen the mall security “officers” that drive around in one of those three-wheeled, glorified golf carts? I’m pretty damn sure if they try to pull me over driving that thing I’m going to see if I can outrun them to the border. I’ll just pull out into traffic on the main road laughing my ass off as those pencil necked geeks in their motorized tricycle are forced to stop helplessly at their perimeter. They really are usually pencil necked geeks. Either their necks are really skinny, or the mall outfits them with shirts whose collars are so big that they just hover around their necks like the rings of Saturn. Now if I get a ticket from a regular cop for speeding I go to traffic court right? What happens if I get a ticket from mall security? Do I go to the food court?
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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