The Male-Female Dictionary

As women have often bemoaned for centuries, it seems that men and women speak different languages. Yes, I know a lot of self-help experts have published books on this very subject, but their political correctness often destroys their usefulness. When women want to know what men are thinking they don’t need some touchy, feely, self-help, bleeding heart, mother substitute therapist telling you that your boyfriend is only with you because you’re just like his mother. EEEEEEWWWW! Even if that’s true, no one really wants to know that. The television Dr. Phil is a hack and only has a show because he helped Oprah cut back on the Twinkies. I’ll be your internet Dr. Phil and will provide a useful translation of men’s innermost thoughts. My first bit of advice is to lose that misconception. Men do not have innermost thoughts. Here is a preview of my soon to be released book, “Men: We’re As Simple as We Seem to Be, So Stop Hounding Us.”

When Men Say, “I don’t know.”
What we really mean is, “I honestly haven’t given it any thought. Please stop obsessing about it you clingy, smothering nutjob.”

When Men Say, “No, that dress doesn’t make you look fat.”
What we really mean is, “Are you really expecting me to answer any other way if I want you to ever have sex with me again?”

When Men Say, “I don’t care where we go to dinner.”
What we really mean is,”I don’t care where we go to dinner.” We just like eating. We don’t care what it is.

When Men Say, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
What we really mean is, “If you don’t go bunny boiler on me I’ll hook up with you the next time I run into you at a bar, and if that works, then maybe we’ll have a long term relationship.”

When Men Say, “Yes, I’d love to go see that new Kate Winslet-Brad Pitt love story movie.”
What we really mean is, “If I spend two hours watching that crap and pretending to care, you damn well better sleep with me afterwards.”

When Men Say, “No, I wasn’t looking at her,” or “No. I definitely do not find women like that attractive.”
What we really mean is, “Are you really expecting me to answer any other way if I want you to ever have sex with me again?”

When Men Say, “I love you.”
What we really mean is, “Will you have sex with me?”

When Men Say, “Of course I’ll skip my fantasy football draft to have dinner with your parents.”
What we really mean is, “I love you.”

This is a just a taste. I won’t give you the whole book here free. If you need an individual translation done feel free to ask. Next, stay tuned for a preview of chapter 2 : “How Men Interpret The Crazy Things Women Say.”