Inappropriate Uses For Onstar

We’ve all heard the commercials. “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?” Caller responds tearfully, “My six month old baby is locked in my car with a rabid pit bull and I can’t find my extra set of keys.” While Onstar is a wonderful service I’m sure there are people who abuse the service.

Ring, ring! “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Dude! I can’t believe this. I went out with my friends and man we had, like, I dunno, 20 shots of this incredible blue stuff. Dude, you gotta try this stuff. It’s awesome. Anyway, the parking lot is like, ginormous, and now I can’t find my car. It’s red. Can you see it from there?”
Onstar Dave: (With biting sarcasm) “No sir. I cannot see your car.
Caller: C’mon Dave. Dude, you’ve got, like, a satellite right? Why can’t you see my car? Can you at least make the horn honk or the lights flash so I can find it?”
Onstar Dave: (Smirking) “Oh, sure sir. This may take a few minutes. Just wait, and the next time you hear a car horn, walk towards it. Have a nice night.”

Ring, ring! “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?”
Female caller: I’m calling about my boyfriends car.”
Onstar Dave: “What’s wrong ma’am? Has he been in an accident?”
Female caller: “An accident? I wish! That son of a bitch slept with my sister when I was gone for the weekend! Could you use your satellite to, like, blow up his car with a giant laser or something?”

Ring, ring! “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. You’ve got to help me. This is an emergency.”
Onstar Dave: “Slow down. Talk slowly so I can get all the information I need.”
Caller: Ok, I was stuck in traffic on I-90 when I look over at this little, red, Pontiac Sunbird next to me and this chick was totally hot and she smiled at me. Just as I was about to get out of my car and go over to get her phone number, traffic started moving again and I missed her. Her license plate number is 975-AIG. Could you call her up and give her my phone number?”
Onstar Dave: “(Heavy sigh) Ok, hold on a sec. There, that should do it. About a half mile ahead you should find her pulled over on the shoulder with her car inexplicably stalled. Keep me on the line and when you get under the hood just press your star key and I’ll start her back up.”
Caller: “Onstar Dave, you rock!”
Onstar Dave: Yes I do.

17 responses to “Inappropriate Uses For Onstar

  1. lol. That’s great! I see the writer’s block has disappeared…

  2. Thanks Linny. I had fun writing it. (Whispering) Don’t mention the writer’s block. I don’t want to jinx myself.

  3. You slay me, dude. You really do.

  4. That’s great! A true Onstar story–my dad lives near Mille Lacs (a huge lake) and during the winter, an enitre town of fishing shacks and roads springs up out of the middle of nowhere. Legend has it that last year, someone drove out to the middle of the lake, called Onstar, asked with help for directions, and the poor operator had to check it twice, seeing that the guy was showing up as being in the middle of a lake.

  5. WW- I’m glad to be your slayer.Georgeous- That’s funny. That could have been part of my post. Are you sure the guy driving on the lake wasn’t your dad.

  6. That made my weekend. Phil, you are hilarious!

  7. Phil, I’m not sure now that you say that. It is absolutely something he would do!

  8. Berly, Thanks. If that’s all it takes to make your weekend, you need to get better weekends.

  9. Princess- Onstar is this service you can pay to have in your car that will give you directions, unlock your car by remote satellite, or notify authorities automatically if you’re in an accident. You just push a button on your dash in an emergency. I can’t believe you’ve missed the commercials. It uses GPS technology.

  10. LOL, i don’t have the foggiest who or what onstar is, but that was funny.

  11. Oh…its advertised on TV? That’s how I missed it…i dont watch tv. Except for the amazing race…but Ive never seen a commercial…

  12. but your name is Phil, not Dave…do you work at OnStar too?I remember when OnStar was new, Batman used to help them advertise.Funny Blog!

  13. Fu- Onstar Dave is a fictional character I created for the blog. I can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted to handle things like Onstar Dave, or like the peoplle who called. It’s entirely possible that if I had Onstar my service would be revoked due to such abuses by me.

  14. great stuff, Phil

  15. One of your best posts Phil! Lois Lane

  16. Phil! I have OnStar this weekend. My dad is out of town and left me his vehicle! Suggestions?

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