I would like an end to horseback riding. This is a bit of a personal gripe and doesn’t necessarily benefit mankind like my other wishes, but it does benefit horses. I am of the opinion that horses don’t like being ridden. I’m not any kind of Dr. Doolittle or animal psychic, I just can’t see any possible way that horses are enjoying this.
Horse No. 1: “Damn, I’m bored. I wish someone would come along, sit on my back, jerk my mouth back and forth with a rope, jerk being the operative word, and then kick me right in the kidneys a few times if I don’t have enough giddyap to suit them.”
Horse No. 2: “I’m down with that homey, but what I really want is to be a racehorse. Then you get to do all that and get your ass whipped repeatedly. Oh yeah, and then if I happen to break an ankle, the man takes me into the hizzle and busts a cap in my head. Ain’t that the life?”
Horse No. 1: I can’t believe we get to do all that for a bucket of oats a day. Suckers! By the way Ed, why are you talkin’ like that? You’re from West Virginia.”
Horse No. 2: “It’s just something I’m trying out. The stable boy had MTV on in the office the other day so loud that I could hear it in here. You think we’ll ever be on “Pimp My Ride”? I would look sweet in a purple velour saddle with surround sound speakers.”