This is the second installment of what may someday appear on the shelves of your local bookstore. The Guy Code of Conduct is that immeasurably large and esteemed volume of guidelines that governs the behavior of every man on Earth. Women have long suspected such a book exists, but have yet to find proof. The Guy Code of Conduct is so pervasive and morally binding within the male culture that virtually every major war in history was directly caused by a violation of “The Code.” To help further demystify the male species, here are two more rules from The Code.
No. 7: “If two or more men go to a bar, nightclub, bowling alley, or any public place together, the driver is well within his rights to leave his friends stranded if he has the opportunity to take a woman home. The members of his group left behind must not ever become upset by this or begrudge the driver this opportunity.” This rule is so ingrained in men that if, in July of 1969, Neil Armstrong had met an alien chick on the moon and wanted to take Apollo 11 to Mars for a little E.T. make-out session, Buzz Aldrin would have patted him on the back and said, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll find a ride home.”
No. 10: The Day After a Date Phone Call. This is one of the more important rules in The Code. It states, “Under no circumstances must you ever contact a woman by phone, e-mail, or any other method within 24 hours of the conclusion of your first date with her. To do so would likely bring about the end of civilization as we know it. If you break this rule we will find you and kill you.” In our newsletter, the deaths of Jimmy Hoffa, Adolf Hitler, Pope John Paul II, and almost every Kennedy are attributed to violations of this rule. A subsection of this rule outlines a very specific schedule by which contact with women is allowed after the initial hook-up. If I revealed that schedule here my name would likely join that list above.