I Have Big Boy Shoes!

I’m an adult. The birthdate on my drivers’ license says so. The United States of America even pretends that my vote helps to decide who is President. I can walk into a bar and buy a beer. My company even gave me business cards! By virtually any definition available, I’m an adult. When I got my first “real” job after college I still felt like a kid wearing a big suit like David Byrne in the “Same As It Ever Was” video and fooling everyone into thinking that I had grown up. The funny thing is, that despite all the evidence to the contrary, I’ve never felt like a true adult. Unless you’re one of my regular readers, maybe you’ve never picked up on this, but I think I still have a kid brain trapped in an adult body.

That all changed two days ago when I went to buy shoes. On most days I do wear a shirt and tie to work, or if I’m really trying to look grown up, a sport coat. Do they still call them “sport coats” when it’s just a jacket that isn’t part of a matching suit? That’s what my Dad always called them and he’s been an adult for my entire life. He’s really good at it. Despite trying to look like an adult, two parts of my attire have had a hard time growing up. You know how every office has that guy with all the zany ties? That’s me. I’m that guy. I have a collection of over 100 ties, at least 75% of which have a cartoon character, work of art, or some other inane subject matter, such as a Slinky. Some people are so foolish as to believe that because I work with kids I wear the ties for the kids.

The other part of my wardrobe that has never fully grown up is my shoes. If I can get away with the khaki pants, blue oxford shirt, and white sneakers look, I do so as often as possible. On the days when I have to talk to adults and can’t get away with sneakers, my concession to adulthood has been loafers. They’re kind of adult shoes in that they’re shiny, made of leather and have small heels, but they still satisfy the kid in me because they don’t have laces and I can just slip them on like that comfortable pair of sneakers we all have that fit so well that we never bother to lace them up. A couple days ago I decided that I needed a new pair of dress shoes. After a year or two of dedicated service my loafers were finally looking kind of ratty. I went to a couple stores looking for a nice pair of loafers just like my old ones. In one store I found a pair that were similar, but just didn’t look nice enough to be worn with adult clothes. Right next to them on the shelf for a little bit more money was a nice looking pair of dress shoes with…gasp…laces! They were black and shiny with narrow, almost pointy ends. They looked like the kind of shoes sharp dressed businessmen wore. “Damn,” I thought to myself. “Those would look really good at the bottom of a nice pair of dress pants that has a crease so sharp you could cut yourself.” The shoes sleek lines would go well with a shirt and tie outfit or with a suit, if I ever bought one. “I’ll be fit for the cover of GQ,” I thought. So I bought them.

I took them home and put them on to wear around the house all evening so I could break them in. Then, the next day I wore them to work. After ten hours in my new adult shoes I had blisters. Despite their classic style and professional look, the shoes and adulthood still seem to be a poor fit for me. I wonder if I can return them both?

24 responses to “I Have Big Boy Shoes!

  1. return what your adulthood or the shoes? I think you’ll have more luck returning your shoes..haha

  2. You’ll have no luck returning the shoes if you’ve worn them, but I find it’s quite easy to ‘opt out’ of adult life at any moment. The following recipe seems to work quite well:A computer game of your choice (preferably something based on a cartoon, recent blockbuster movie or something with lots of fighting and/or shooting)One large strawberry milkshake (ice cream and sprinkles optional)One kids cable channel (Nickolodeon is probably the best)Sit down with the afore-mentioned ingredients whilst wearing only a day-glo t-shirt and shorts and spend the rest of the day in adult-free heaven!

  3. Find another pair of loafers Phil. Who needs the pain of adulthood?

  4. Silly ties??? See? My serious diagnosis of you was right!!! LOL

  5. I remember the first pair of adult shoes that I bought all by myself, without my mother walking behind me saying things like “No, not that pair. They look ridiculous”. They were black leather with pencil sharp tips and stilettoes that were part murderdevices. I only wore them once. Because they had pencil sharp tips and stilettoes that were part murder devices.

  6. i resignd from adulthood, on my blog, havingstolen it from someone else. I am definately peter panning at the moment.

  7. What the…… There are shoes that don’t cause blisters?????

  8. I spent all yesterday mashing the backs of my new shoes doen with my heels so they wouldn’t be stiff and cause me blisters. I really dislike new shoes. My sympathies. To you and to me.Sometimes I’m glad I can get away with kids clothes, working at a preschool and all. I can wear Hello Kitty pants and a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt and nobody looks askance. There are a few kids stores that actually carry childrens clothes in my size. It’s lovely.

  9. *LMAO* finally, a man knows what women go through every day

  10. Phil, welcome to the wonderful world of cruel shoes.There has never been a pair of shoes made for women that were ever comfortable. Ever.I agree with Jazz. Go and buy another pair of loafers. To heck with it.

  11. Fancy Face- I want to return both.Jock- Just a day or a few hours in kid world is nice, but I want to live there.Jazz- You said it succinctly and better than I did in 500 words.Princess- I don’t know what diagnosis you’re talking about!ChooChoo- I agree. A lot of women’s shoes look terribly painful. I’m glad I’m a guy.

  12. Hageltoast- I’m always trying to find a way to Peter Pan.Lesley- Get yourself some loafers! I believe they make them for women.Spider Girl- Hmmm…I wonder if they make Hello Kitty pants in my size?Question Girl- I know what women go through and I’m always thankful I was born a guy.Josie- I love the cruel shoes reference. Not enough people will get that. You’re brilliant as always.

  13. You can certainly return adulthood. Most men I know opt outof it 🙂-N

  14. Well then I guess its a good thing I still havent deleted those emails.

  15. I suspect we’re all just trying to muddle along in this thing called adulthood…shoes and all!It’s tough, but we CAN stay up reading as long as we want. We might not DO it…but we can!!

  16. You can’t return them. You’re going to need those shoes when you’re voted President, or Sexiest Man Alive … you know, whichever comes first.

  17. You should wear the shoes in over the course of a week. Just wear them round the house for an hour or two a day before trying to go “all out”. Also, if you take your “new adult shoes” to work, take a spare pair for when your feet get sore. Didn’t your mother tell you this?? Sheesh.I only wear Hush Puppy leather shoes (basically no heal) or sneakers. My Hush Puppies are really really comfortable and have never given me a moments pain, even when new. The only problem is that I need to get them resoled every so often because the soles do wear out after a while (its cheaper / easier to resole then buy new).

  18. You can return them, I have done it several times…just tell them they made your toes look too elfish….and the kids at school were making fun of you…but to be adult (read that motherly) about this…it really sounds like you weren’t fitted properly.

  19. Two words – Shoe StretchersOh and one more thing, if you really hate them you can do something really adult-like, donate them to a charity that takes gently used clothes. That’s pretty adult!

  20. i’ve never felt like an adult either! i mean, i’m single w/o kids, so i can get a way with a lot of kiddie behaviors, but still… some days i can’t believe i have a real job and own a home. i’ve always felt like i was 16 inside. glad i’m not the only one.my screw-off best friend even has a husband, two kids and a minivan. how did she make it to adulthood?<>farfozoq<>

  21. The older I get the more I realize that adulthood with it’s seemingly polished presence is nothing but a myth.We get older, we don’t become more adult like.With two teenage sons who are driving me batty I’m realizing I’m becoming more and more adolescent every day.

  22. I am sorry that they both don’t fit right, but that goes to show you that when you try to wear something that isn’t you, you get hurt. Come over and visit and sign my map…Tawnyahttp://dougstigger.blogspot.com

  23. Hahaha … don’t ever grow up, Phil.Take care, Meow

  24. I have the same problem…Big kid trapped in an adults body. She keeps sneaking out now that I’m 185 lb.s lighter. 😀 Like swinging on the swings and riding bikes. Carnival rides make me giggle like an idiot. And I can TOTALLY relate about the shoes. Got my first pair of big girl office shoes a couple of months ago. They really sucked for the first couple of weeks. But they’re broken in now and not too bad. Just hang in for awhile. Maybe let the blisters heal first before you wear them again. 😀

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