The Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Phil

10. Phil sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized Phil roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

9. Phil does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word the Oxford Dictionary will change the actual spelling of it.

8. Phil lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. Phil doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

6. Phil doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

5. In fine print on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all the world records are held by Phil and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten.

4. If Phil has five dollars and you have five dollars, Phil has more money than you.

3. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper, what beats all three? Answer: Phil

2. Contrary to popular belief, Phil, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth.

1. Through a set of circumstances too complicated to explain, if you don’t comment on this post Snuggles the fabric softener bear will die.

Yes, I am now blogging about myself in the 3rd person. I would also like to give credit to all the people across the internet who created many of the Chuck Norris facts that I so blatantly heisted in the name of Phil. But of course I can do that, because I’m Phil.

2 responses to “The Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Phil

  1. I can’t be responsible for the death of Snuggles. [comment]

  2. I second dmh’s comment

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