Where’s My Ribbon Magnet?

Every cause, disease, disorder and affliction in existence seems to have a ribbon magnet. There are so many support ribbon magnets that I think they’ve become de-valued. You can support our troops, schleroderma, autism, and your favorite football team with a ribbon magnet for your car. If you can find a left handed, autistic, football player from West Point who has bad skin  you can probably buy enough magnet ribbons to put a ring of them all the way around your car.  I am in fact thinking of creating a ribbon magnet for people who feel left out because they have no reason to have a ribbon magnet. 

Admittedly I don’t have a single ribbon magnet on my car. But I believe that I deserve several ribbon magnets. We all have our crosses to bear. I’m color blind. Where’s my ribbon magnet? Do you know how difficult it is to play Uno when you’re blue/green colorblind? Don’t even get me started on telling the difference between the blue and green highway signs. Of course if there were a ribbon magnet for colorblindness I couldn’t buy it because I’d have no freaking idea what color it is. 

Lactose intolerance. Yup, got it. Searched the internet. Not a single ribbon magnet to be found for those of us that can’t digest milk. This may possibly be my biggest handicap. For my entire life I have been deprived the joy of  enjoying a Shamorock Shake. And I’m Irish! If not a ribbon magnet, there’s got to be a 5k for this. Seriously. And why is it that running 5k cures diseases? Why don’t we just have preventive 5k runs. If we all run a few 5k runs every year I think we’d be immunized from all the diseases we need ribbon magnets for. 

Tendonititis. Yup, another affliction I suffer from that lacks a ribbon magnet. Since I turned 30 I can’t engage in any strenuous activity without pain in some joint. There’s got to be a ribbon magnet for that, or at least some sort of temorary handicapped parking I can get. In fact, irony of all ironies, the tendonitis prevents me from running the 5k that would cure my tendonitis. Will you run one for me? Actually, while you’re at it, could you run 6 or 7k. I think that would cure it faster than a measly 5k. And make sure you wear a t-shirt that says  “In Memory of Phil’s Ankles.” Make sure the t-shirt is half blue and half green, just to cover all our bases.