Cue music. Footage of attractive person kayaking, teaching classes, winning Olympic medals, raising a family, and ziplining across the Grand Canyon while wearing a lab coat and holding test tubes. Voice over begins, “Hi, I teach orphans in the Congo and work on a cure for cancer in my spare time. But when I’m not teaching I like to explore Brazil on safari in between training for the Olympic decathalon and winning ballroom dance competitions. I’ve got a million dollars in the bank and at the end of a long day I go home to my solar powered, eco-friendly home that I built with my bare hands and I spend quality time with my spouse and equally good looking kids who get straight A’s in school and are on all the sports teams. My life is better than yours, and I’m a Mormon.”
We’ve all seen the commercials and damned if it isn’t working. Who wouldn’t want to sign up for that deal? When can I start? And the evidence is there that the Mormons are smart. Do you see any other religions advertising? I grew up Catholic. What would their advertising slogan be? “Don’t feel bad enough yet? Join Catholicism! Where nothing you do is ever good enough and bingo is our only acceptable fun.” How about the Jewish religion? You don’t see them advertising. “Welcome to Judaism. We’ve got bad beards, hats to cover your bald spots and holidays no one understands!” Then there’s the Amish. Now there’s a religion that needs a better motto than, “Stay away from electricity, zippers and colors of any kind.” I can write anything I want about the Amish because I’m pretty sure they’re not reading my blog and I can beat any of them in a fight. Again.
See? Other religions just lay about letting people believe the stereotypes. The Mormons went out and did something about their bad press. And they’re not done yet. Our next President, if it’s not me, could be famous Mormon Mitt Romney. I think at some point in the last ten years Mitt thought to himself, “Hell, if somebody named Barack can get a nomination, why can’t I? Mitt isn’t that bad of a name. I’m a Mormon dammit! Haven’t you seen our commercials?” Yes, I’ve tried to talk to Mitt about his salty language, but to no avail. And can you imagine how much more popular the Mormons would be if I joined? I could be blogging and Facebooking about all the wild adventures Mittt and I would have. More free advertising for them. Yup, I’m surprised they’re not yet recruiting me personally. I’d better stay home today just in case they come by with an offer.