Yes, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written, and the clamor for a new Phil Factor was deafening. I would have written sooner but I had to travel for work and when I was getting on the plane to return I was stuck in the aisle behind a Carry On Person. What is a Carry On Person you ask? And why does Phil keep capitalizing?
We all carry bags on when we’re flying, and I’m fine with that. I always have a carry on. So what is the difference between us and the real Carry On People? The Carry On People are the people who live in fear of either having their luggage lost or of having to wait too long at the baggage carousel. As a result of their psychotic fear of either of these events instead of calling Dr. Phil, they pack everything they’ll need for a two week vacation into their carry on luggage. To be perfectly honest, I’d rather fly on a plane full of zombies than these morons. Have you ever seen a Zombie with luggage? Me neither.
The Carry On People take so much time trying to get their overstuffed “carry on” bag first down the aisle as they hit the elbows and heads of every passenger unfortunate passenger who was seated before them that the flight is inevitably delayed because these traveling hoarders have mucked up the boarding process so much. Then when they finally find their seats they instantly become a piece of human cholesterol blocking the artery that is the aisle as they first request help heaving their 80 pound carry on bag up to the overhead compartment and then as they pound and shove an try to hammer their Volkswagon sized bag into a space obviously designed for something much smaller, like possibly the persons head you think as you wait impatiently with the pressure of more and more passengers building up behind you until you fear that the pressure will cause you to become an Augustus Gloop like cork. And guess what? God forbid that you are seated further back in the plan than a Carry On person because you’ll have to relive the horror all over again when you try to get off the plane.
And what’s the deal with Zombies? About two years ago everything was vampires but now it’s Zombies. And frankly I don’t mind. Now if Zombies were allowed on flights they could at least eat their way through a Carry On Person freeing up the aisle for the rest of us. Zombie flight attendants, now there’s an idea. Oh wait, we already have them.
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