I knew this picture combined with the title would lure you children of the 80’s here. Apparently your memories of the kitschy Saturday night show featuring B-list celebs hooking up was popular enough that millions of people now support the growing cruise industry by taking cruises themselves, possibly hoping to hook up with a B-lister and go to the Lido deck for some shuffleboard, if you know what I mean.
It’s going to happen though. You and I both know it. This is not going to end well, and it could be the downfall of all of humanity. Everyone boards a cruise ship with a smile on their face, but a day may come when that gangplank hits the pier and the smiling faces that boarded will have been chewed off. That’s right. I’m standing at home plate, bat in hand, pointing to the bleachers and calling my apocalyptic shot. Here it is: One day the zombie apocalypse that will destroy mankind will start on a cruise ship.
What? But why Phil? Why would you malign the wonderful cruise industry with such a dire prediction? I appreciate you having the guts to ask yourself these tough questions and for including my name when you do. Let’s hope I can answer them before it’s too late, before a zombie eats those very same guts right out of your abdomen.
Here’s how it’s going to happen and here’s how you can protect yourself. There are two ways that the zombie virus could get on board the ship. A passenger will board the cruise with the virus already in them. Once on board the floating enclosed petri dish that is a cruise ship, the virus will spread either through direct contact with patient zero or because our patient zero sneezed on the ever present all-you-can-eat buffet. We’ve seen viruses spread like wildfire this way already with two outbreaks on cruise ships being reported this week.
The other way the zombie out break could start is by “mutant zombie bees.” As was reported this week, the zombie virus is spreading among the insect population and it’s only a matter of time before a cruise ship pulls into port at some exotic location and a passenger on an outing is stung by a mutant zombie bee and then returns to the ship, sneezes on the salad bar and two days later that ship drifts into port full of the living dead enjoying a buffet of other passengers. What if it’s a Disney Cruise? Imagine your child’s horror at seeing Ariel becoming a new kind of seafood buffet for the walking dead. (Yeah, I did a Google search for “most popular Disney Princess. Somewhere the guys at the NSA are laughing and adding that to my file right now.)
See? Captain Stubing doesn’t seem so charming as a zombie does he? Remember I said I’d tell you how to protect yourself from a cruise induced zombie apocalypse? Here’s the secret: Don’t go on a cruise! Remember the phrase “floating petri dish” that I used earlier? If cruise ship doctors are anything like Dr. Adam Bricker, do you want your life in his hands? He could sweet talk the ladies but he wasn’t much of a doctor. Most problems on The Love Boat were solved by a rum drink and a good chat with Issac.
Ok, I admit, I’m starting to ramble. I’ll wrap up with two last things that I found while doing my research for this. When I thought of this blog post I also considered writing a humorous short story called Zombie Cruise Ship that I would publish for Kindle for 99 cents. Guess what? It’s already been thought of is being made into a movie.
I also discovered a band called Zombie Loveboat. Here they are:
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to prevent your loved ones from being eaten by zombies on a cruise please share by hitting the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below. I’m hoping that enough will share this that it spreads across the interwebs like the zombie virus, so that we can save lives of course. Have a great weekend. ~Phil
Picture credit: ivilliage.com.au and schleppynabuccos.blogspot.com