CNN reported this week that the United States government has developed a “zombie preparedness plan”. It includes getting them all signed up for Obamacare by the end of the month. (I should probably just quit now. I’m pretty sure that’s going to be the best joke in this whole thing.)
CNN revealed that the government plan, titled CONPLAN 8888, was developed as a training tool and is not intended to be a serious attempt to plan for a world wide zombie invasion. Well why the hell not? If our government, which is paid by our taxes, is going to develop a zombie preparedness plan I want a real plan, not an elaborate joke. You can’t tell me that if a presidential candidate said he was going to have a a plan in place to defend us from a zombie apocalypse, we wouldn’t elect him or her in a landslide. Heck, if a zombie ran for president we’d elect him. We elected George Bush didn’t we? Both of them.
Here is an actual segment from the document: “This plan’s offensive branch (within Annex C) and Annex S (STO) details the neutralization (to render ineffective) of Zombie capabilities by denial, deception disruption, degradation, or destruction.” First of all, someone in the government obviously is a big fan of alliteration or is a writer from Sesame Street. “Today’s episode of The Walking Dead is sponsored by the letter D.”
Denial? Really? That’s part of the plan? When confronted by a Zombie how does that play out? “You can’t bite me!” Zombie shakes his head yes. “No you can’t.” Zombie shuffles away. How about deception? How do you deceive a Zombie? “Hey, umm, you guys, OH MY GOD! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!” Zombies turn heads and cornered human runs away to safety. Degradation? We’re going to degrade the Zombies? I’m pretty sure they already feel badly about being dead. Is attacking their self-esteem really going to be effective? “You may be about to bite me, but you’re ugly and you smell bad!” Zombie then shuffles away and cries silently in the bathroom. It’s like the plan was written by twelve year olds.
The plan is very thorough in that it does take into consideration several different kinds of Zombies that might occur such as: Pathogenic Zombies, Radiation Zombies, Evil Magic Zombies, (which sounds like a great name for a band), Space Zombies, which the document says are likely only to be a threat to “SATCOM services like DirectTV.” If Zombies take out my TV I am really going to be pissed. So pissed that I might even degrade them. There are also definitions for Weaponized Zombies, Symbiant Induced Zombies, Vegetarian Zombies and Chicken Zombies. The only thing I would worry about is Chicken McNugget Zombies. Would they be better with sweet & sour sauce or barbecue? Actually, zombie chickens are a real thing. Read this from Fox News in Dec. 2006.
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