You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.
10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.
9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin influx) But then, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.
8. Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.
iStockphoto.com/KonArt
7. More traffic: This ones pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.
6. Lazy Hollywood folks: All our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 6 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 22 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.
5. Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, maybe they do there.
4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.
3. Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations. Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?
2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.
1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?
Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Funny. Number 8 and 4 pretty much rocked. I thought I was the ONLY one who had not seen ‘Frozen’. Welcome to the club!
Apparently there’s two of us that haven’t seen Frozen. I’m pretty sure we haven’t missed anything.
I concur. totally. I am sure there are more of/like us…but they are not coming forward…
Frozen? I must be living under a rock. Is Disney still making movies? I’ve got to start watching more TV ads!
Great post, Phil! Let’s see….I hate that Christmas commercials start before Thanksgiving. Somewhere, somehow, the dollar gobbled up that holiday. I think my biggest pet peeve is the commercialism. We seem to have all forgotten what the season is really all about.
I agree. I am going to post what I love about the holidays next week. I don’t think the spirit of the season is entirely forgotten. Thanks for stopping by to say Hi
I am here to back you up on this Frozen thing. I haven’t seen it, I don’t want to see it, and I wish that dippy snowman would just melt already. 😉
I have to disagree with #10. Candy canes are the best part of the holiday!
#5 made me laugh. I will let you know the next time I got to Walmart if they do…probably not, but I bet they have ammo.
Oh Phil now to find a rhyme
About your peeves at Christmas time
You’ve already taken nog and blog
Perhaps, next time a yule log blog?
You’re the Mistress of Rhyme, maybe you should be the one to do a yule log blog!
Yep, all the Christmas stuff is coming…
#5. Seriously. And I’m all for Hanukkah in July, much easier holiday travel.
Frozen…..melt and be gone! Have not seen it,nor plan to. The Christmas decorations, commercials, and songs before starting at Hallowe’en drive me up the wall and hanging on the fire escape.
Good for you for avoiding Frozen and I completely agree about Christmas before Halloween.
Oh Phil, I love it when I agree with you! I mean, sometimes I love disagreeing with you, but it’s so much more fun when I agree! I will totally read the Nog Blog. I do love some people enough to go to the mall for them, but only at 9am on a Wednesday before schools begin their winter breaks. My kids eat all the candy canes LONG BEFORE Christmas. At a dozen a box, I figure I buy six boxes a year. Much easier than the mall, since they’re offered everywhere! (Just like that #!!^#*@ song!)
Love, love, love this post!
Jolene, thank you for the early Christmas gift of your reaction to this post. Love it. Don’t tell the others but you’re my favorite blog friend.
Oh no, it’s just between us.
I’m buying stock in your nog well. I love egg nog! Why can’t we have it year round? Stop Big-Brothering my beverages.
Just so you know, I never put Christmas lights on my palm trees.
So you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to dig your car out every day from now until April! I’m jealous.
It’s been raining all day…does that count for anything?
In so-cal isn’t rain a sign of the apocalypse?
Some people act that way…I love the rain, but I didn’t grow up here. I grew up in Northern California, where it does rain. 🙂
I want you to know I’ve had one of those days. But I thought this evening, let’s see if Phil did his top ten. Number eight. That’s all it took for me to COL and wake up the dog. I’ve not seen Frozen. And you rock, Phil.
Thanks as always Barbara. From now on if I’m not in the mood to write my top ten I’ll remember that somewhere out there you’re waiting for it and I’ll get it done.
I am happy to provide motivation even though you do like Joeyfullystated best. You do know we can read these comments, don’t you? She does sound very funny though, I have to admit.
1. Candy Canes are incredible! …and who buys candy canes for themselves? I buy them to give away 😀
2. …who drinks “nog” in July? haha. Can’t wait for the “Nog Blog”
3. I think white lights on palm trees are amazing! It’s like Christmas how baby Jesus saw it 🙂
4. More traffic means more time in the car listening to Christmas music!
5. couldn’t agree more
6. They don’t sell guns-but they do sell sling shots by the checkout line 😀
7. The Gif was perfect!
8. I walked out my door way to find a Volkswagon with a bow on it once…best Xmas gift Ever. (I was 16 y/o…are you puking yet?)
9. I think you should campaign for Sexiest Man Alive. Just for the groupies.
10. He does. Jack Frost. Haven’t you watched Santa Claus 3? Jeesh 😉
Don’t Hate on the Holiday’s Phil! JBlondie with fight you every step of the way! LOL. 😀
I completely agree with #1. Super Santa v. The Grinch head-to-head. Add in some exploding Christmas decorations and even I would watch THIS Christmas special!
Love this top 10 list! I’ve been in Bah-Humbug mood all day and this made me feel better. The only one I’d quibble with is #9 … eggnog is rather disgusting.
I think you’d like Phil Nog!
Is it made of premium gin and a few olives marinaded in white vermouth? 😉