How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex

Before anyone gets their knickers in a knot and lectures me on cultural insensitivity, let me give you a quick lesson. Hindi is language. Hindu is a religion. I’m not talking about the religion, I’m talking about many of the people who speak Hindi, which is the official language of India. It’s possible, and probable that there are Hindu’s who speak Hindi, but it’s also possible that there are Hindi’s who are not Hindu. Got that?

Now on to the subject of how my little blog has become a hotspot for the horny Hindi speaking crowd. Yes, the horny Hindi’s love my blog. It started July 19th, 2014. I wrote this post making fun of sexting. For six months after that post I noticed there were about twenty Google searches a day using the phrase “real sexting conversations to read in Hindi” bringing people to my blog. So, being me, I decided to make fun of this trend, never suspecting what would happen. In March this year I wrote this hilarious post. Not only did that post not deter the horny Hindi speaking folks, but it caused them to multiply. It’s at the point where I get at least 100 views a day of my “Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi?” post. Once, almost two years ago, I had a post go a little viral and it got 17,000 views in one day, but then gradually petered out. This Hindi thing seems to be getting stronger. Last month I got over 6000 view of my blog and more than half of them were looking for information on sexting in Hindi. Normally with 6000 views in a month I’d think “Yaaa! 6000 views! I must be awesome!” But you know what? The horny Hindi’s don’t click like or even leave a comment. आप सभी के हिंदी भाषी लोगों को कम से कम की तरह क्लिक करें या एक टिप्पणी को छोड़ सकते हैं?

I figure I can either delete the post and hope my blog goes back to normal (has my blog ever been “normal”?) and be read by people the world over and appreciated for it’s merits, or I can embrace my wonderful Hindi friends who are embracing their smart phones and their sexuality. I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but I’m a giver. I give and I care. In this case, I care for my Hindi speaking readers and I’m going to give them some help. Here are a few popular sexting phrases, courtesy of the great romantic film Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, translated into Hindi so that my visitors can improve their game:

Ron Burgundy: You have an absolutely breathtaking hiney.

Hindi: आप एक बिल्कुल लुभावनी नीचे है

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Ron Burgundy: You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don’t wear a bra next time.

Hindi: तुम भय अच्छा आज रात को देखो। हम्म? हो सकता है कि एक ब्रा अगली बार नहीं पहनती।

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Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Hindi: आप एक बदबूदार समुद्री डाकू वेश्या हैं

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Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I’m gonna put this out there: if you like it, you can take it. If you don’t, send it right back … I want to be ON you.

Hindi: मैं कुछ कहना चाहता हूँ। मैं वहाँ वाला यह बाहर डाल रहा हूँ: अगर तुम इसे पसंद है, आप इसे ले जा सकते हैं। आप इसे सही वापस नहीं भेजते हैं … मैं तुम पर होना चाहते हैं।

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Ron Burgundy: I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Hindi: मैं इस डाल करने के लिए पता नहीं है, लेकिन मैं एक बड़ा सौदा की तरह कर रहा हूँ। लोग मुझे जानते हैं। मैं बहुत ही महत्वपूर्ण रहा हूँ। मैं कई चमड़े बाध्य किताबें हैं और मेरे घर अमीर महोगनी की बदबू आ रही है।

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You know that somewhere, one Hindi speaking dude is going to read this, share it with his friends and they’ll spend the next five years texting these lines to girls. For my English reading friends, I will return to my regularly scheduled idiocy on Monday. For all my wonderful Hindi friends,  एक टिप्पणी छोड़ दो और फेसबुक पर साझा करें Have a great weekend! ~Phil

*All Ron Burgundy and Anchorman images and quotes property of Dreamworks Pictures.