Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Sexy Quotes From Yelp Restaurant Reviews

I’m visiting the city of Austin, Texas for work this week and my friends and I were looking for a restaurant to go out to dinner. On Yelp I came across the restaurant Fogo de Chao, a Brazillian steak house. I read some reviews that seemed overly effusive and verging on pornographic. Apparently some people really, really love meat in ways that maybe they shouldn’t.

10. “The party really started once I flipped over my little red coaster to its green side, which seemed to have magically summoned hordes of men with skewers of meat, asking me if I would like some and just how bloody” (sounds like they were at a male strip club)

9.” the meat parade just never ended”

8. “THEIR BREAD ROLLS ARE SO CUTE AND GOOD I WANTED TO TAKE THEM HOME BUT I TOLD MYSELF NO.” (yes, this idiot was so excited about the rolls that she went all caps. If you have to set limits with yourself related to abducting bread rolls then maybe you should be dining in a psych ward)

7. “WARNING –  due to the graphic carnivorous content contained in this review, vegetarian and vegan discretion is advised. Meaning, you may want to skip it, or read it with your eyes closed.” (How can you “read it with your eyes closed“? If you put this kind of time and creativity into a restaurant review, you need to get a life)

6. “Bless me father, for I have sinned…. The sin – carnivorous gluttony.” 

5. “At this point, you might have meat-sweats onset anxiety, but embrace rather than fear the meat-sweats; it just means you are doing Life right.” (If you’re so out of shape that eating makes you work up a sweat then you should probably back away from the buffet.)

4.”A friend took me here for a meat orgy, ahem, I mean dinner last week. WOW… I think I gave birth to med-rare bovine triplets the next day,”  (This review put a mental picture in my head that I don’t think I can get out if I’m eating there.)

3.”…pão de queijo – or warm cheese bread made from Yucca flour and Parmesan that is airy, fluffy and reminds me of a cheesy cloud of Yorkshire Pudding. Needless to say, if you hit that too early on, you will not get your money’s worth on the meat.”  (“if you hit that too early on”? Hit that? I don’t think of my food that way. “..airy, fluffy, cheesy cloud”? Maybe this person passed away of a heart attack while eating there and wrote their review as they approached the airy, fluffy clouds surrounding the pearly gates.  “if you hit that too early on”? Hit that? I don’t think of my food that way.

2. “me screaming, “No! No thank you! Nooooo!” to the waiters that stuck their meat sticks in my face” This does not sound like it was a consensual meal!

1. “Don’t want to fill up on greens, no worries, a parade of “eye candy” posing as waiters in gauchos with meat on a skewer walk by and shower you with your choice of prime cuts”  (this is also from the woman who had “bovine triplets.” I think she has some needs that a restaurant can’t legally meet (or should it be meat?)

Have a great Tuesday and eat well! ~Phil