If Someone Can Make Up Scientology, Why Can’t I Have My Own Religion?

If I’m making fun of Scientology, you can tell that I’ve given up on one of my books ever being made into a movie. Scientology has been big pop culture news the last few weeks since actress Leah Remini talked about her experiences in the church, and her desire for you to read more about it in her book, now available everywhere for $17.99. Kind of ironic that she’s allegedly blowing the whistle on a religion known for fleecing it’s celebrity members for money by fleecing book buying customers of their money. That’s alright, I suppose she’s trying to make up for her losses.

Ballantine Books

She left the religion and is now telling all the details, which the Scientologists are not pleased about. So, you know me, I don’t like to go off half-assed and uninformed  when I write about things. I did some research so that I would be fully-assed and informed when making fun of Scientology. Don’t worry Scientologists, it’s not just you. Most religions have a whole host of ridiculous premises. In fact, it’s possible that Jesus was just a really good magician. An ancient David Copperfield if you will and Mary Magdalena was his Claudia Schiffer. (yes, I know David and Claudia divorced, but does any of you know his new wife? )

As part of my research into Scientology I may have interviewed the current leader, David Miscavige, and when asked about Leah Remini’s portrayal of the Church of Scientology he may have said, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” What I also learned about was Xenu, who was, according to Scientology founder, and sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard, “the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who 75 million years ago brought billions^[4][5] of his people to Earth (then known as “Teegeeack”) in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs.” Well that sounds like a delightful idea to base a religion on doesn’t it?

You know how some websites charge you money to use them and read their content? Then you feel like an idiot when you find the same content for free elsewhere, right? I know Scientology sounds like the awesomest after school club you could ever join, but don’t sign up for their exclusive content because I’m about to give it to you right here for free. That paragraph above about Xenu “is part of the church’s secret “Advanced Technology”,^[7] considered a sacred and esoteric teaching,^[11] which is normally only revealed to members who have completed a lengthy sequence of courses costing large amounts of money.”

See? I saved you money today. You now know stuff that cost Tom Cruise thousands and thousands of dollars to learn. Then again, I’m pretty sure we all know a lot of stuff that Tom Cruise doesn’t. Interestingly, Tom Cruise and I were born in the same city, so it’s possible we were switched at birth, so he could possibly be living my life as the face of Scientology. Although if we were switched I doubt his blog would be half as funny.

That’s what we need, a religion based on humor! Laughter makes people feel good. Too many religions make people feel guilty or not good enough. Laughter is not the best medicine, it’s the best religion!  Obviously I would be the Xenu of this new religion, only I wouldn’t be blowing you up,  and my blog would then have a membership fee for you to read. Well, I better get to work on writing my scriptures for you. If you want to spread The Word of Phil before I start charging for it, feel free to hit the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog buttons below.  Have a great weekend! ~Phil

(thank you to Wikipedia for the quoted material about Scientology, and thank you to Tom Cruise, possibly my brother from another mother, for living your crazy, nutball life. Glad I dodged that bullet.)