The Oscars are this Sunday. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll hear my name called. If not, I’ll award myself an Everyday Oscar as I first did when I wrote this post in February of 2011.
Well, it’s happened again. I was passed over. Not a single Oscar nomination. The whole process is completely biased against people like me. Ok, I know that there aren’t really other people like me, but that does not excuse the Hollywood establishments prejudice against me. The Oscars have been handed out longer than I’ve been alive, but not once have I been awarded a gold, phallic statuette. Just because I’m not some kiss-ass Hollywood insider who’s made a movie in the past year, they completely overlook my accomplishments!
It is because of this snub that I refuse to attend the awards ceremony. I do have Oscar-worthy acting talent. So do many of you. Just because our skills don’t appear on the big screen doesn’t mean our talents should go unappreciated! To recognize the acting achievements of everyone like me, I hereby introduce The First Annual Everyday Oscar Awards! I imagine the awards ceremony will go something like this:
MC Phil: “The Everyday Oscar for Best Performance in The Workplace goes to… (fumbling with envelope)… Mark Bingham for his role in “The Overdue Report!” (video clip begins to roll on the monitor).
Mark: “Yes Mr. Whalen, I knew that report was due this morning. I was about to forward it to you when I got the call that my grandmother, the woman who raised me after my parents died, was in a car accident.”
Mr. Whalen: “Is that a Hooters napkin sticking out of your pocket?”
Mark: “Yes it is, sir. The hospital needed two quarts of my blood for the transfusion. They said I should drink lots fluids for the rest of the day. I got a little woozy driving back to the office and I had to pull over.”
MC Phil: “That always brings a tear to my eye. Next up, the Everyday Oscar for Best Relationship Saving Performance goes to… Susan Reynolds for her fantastic performance in “Whose Boxers Are These?” (video clip begins to roll).
Boyfriend: “Heather, I just found these boxer shorts under your side of the bed! They’re not mine! Whose are they?”
Susan: “Awww! You ruined the surprise! I bought them for you, but I got so turned on at the thought of you in them, that I put them on myself and wore them around for a day. Would you like to see me in them?”
Boyfriend: “Are these your skid marks?”
Susan: “Umm…yeah?”
Come back Saturday for my wildly popular 3rd annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards. As always, if you get a little laugh out of #ThePhilFactor please share by Facebook, Twitter or reblogging. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
Ah brillo…Can I have one of dem Oscars please?
And the Oscar for best blog comments goes to…Dublin Housewife!
Omigod omigod omigod. I don’t know what to say…this is so unexpected. I’d like to tank me ma, me granny, me brudders me sisters, me hairdresser for doin’ such a great job on me roots and gettin’ rid of all de grey bits. I’d like to tank Phil for nominatin’ me. I’d like to tank me fella bloggers for always bein’ der for me. I mean… I comment and I comment and I like and I comment some more and I tink no one is even mindin’ what de fuck I’m sayin’ and den ou’ve de blue dis happens. I’m a bleedin’ emotional wreck. Just as well I’m not wearin’ mascara or it’d be runnin’ down me face like twin black rivers. At least I’m wearin’ me best pyjammers from Penneys and me new imatation ugg boots…so I look good..Tank God I got de hair done. I will cherish dis forever Phil…well at least til de weekend inannyway. Ah jayyysisss, I need a drink.Tanks…tanks… tanks a million hun. xxxx
I think you now deserve an Oscar for Funniest Blog Comment Ever!
…ah here, don’t start me off again!! hahaha
I was hoping to start you again! I’ll laugh at comments like that all day long!
Haha, you’re a divil for punishment. Jimmy said you must have a screw loose if ye want te listen te me all day. Hey I’ll be reblogging me own Oscar blog from last year so I await your comments..I’m just too fuckin’ lazy te write anudder one this year 😉
LOL, heading over to your blog now. I’ll have a new Oscar post on Saturday
Good man yerself. I’ve been trying to write all day but dis lot keep comin’ in lookin’ to be fed, for fuck sake.Browsin’ Facebook isn’t helpin’ either :p
Sorry, you were passed over. Here take this Ralph for extraordinary performances in all things blog.