Brexit Stage Left!

Doesn’t Brexit sound like a breakfast cereal full of fiber to make you poop? A great many people in Britain feel like they got pooped on Thursday. I’m going to attempt to bridge two cultures with humor. I’m going to try to make fun of a British situation in a way that my British friends will enjoy, while at the same time educating my American friends.

Thursday while the United Kingdom voted to “Brexit” from the European Union, people in the United States woke up and said, “What the hell is a Brexit?” Sadly, Trump supporters woke up and said,”What the hell is the European Union?” At this very moment Donald Trump is somewhere giving a speech and promising to build a wall to keep the British out of our country.

Like that? I had it specially made for the occasion. You might be saying to yourself, Phil, why are you writing about something that 90% of Americans don’t understand? Thank you, I love it in a super weird way when you use my name while you talk to yourself. The answer to why, is that I love the United Kingdom. In fact, I am the United Kingdom. My ancestry is English, Irish and Scottish. I love it so much that I have a British themed room in my house. There’s so much British shit in there that the Germans are planning to bomb it. I also love meme generators, hence:

I was so exited about the Brexit vote on Thursday that every time I left a room I loudly said, “Looks like it’s time for me to make my Brexit!” Of course, unlike when the British leave the E.U., when I leave, the currency doesn’t collapse and ruin everyone’s 401K’s. Actually, do they have 401K’s in Britain? I’ll have to find out before I retire to London. Speaking of money and England, why the hell doesn’t the entire world just have the same money? There’s pounds, dollars, euros, ducats, francs and many others. It’s all the same thing and we spend it the same. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a world wide law that all money must be the same. It will look like this: 

Speaking of Scotland, the Scots have got to be super pissed about the Brexit vote. Well, not pissed, because in the U.K. pissed means drunk. Well, actually, the Scots probably are pissed and really mad too. B.T. dubs, Conor MacGregor is Scottish. Imagine a whole country full of people like him:

That’s Scotland. Sometime recently Scotland was voting on whether or not to still be part of the United Kingdom, which is England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. They voted to stay in and for the Brexit vote, everyone in Scotland also voted to stay in the European Union, but you know who had more numbers on their side? The old people in England.

England is a super old country. They love their oldness. They love that every building in England is at least a thousand years old. You know what else in England is a thousand years old? Queen Elizabeth. If I’m Prince Chuck, I’ve got to be kind of pissed right now, in both the British and American ways. Dude is like 70 and hasn’t gotten to be King yet. I know it’s his mum and all, but you’ve gotta think that sometimes he sneaks into her room at night and is just about to smother her with a pillow when she wakes up and he tucks that pillow under her tiny, old head and says, “I was just checking up on you mum. Sleep tight.” If she ever does pass away Charles will be so shocked that he’ll immediately die of a heart attack and never gets to be King.

Like I said, I love a meme generator. I could probably go on forever, but 650 words is plenty. I hope both my American and U.K. friends enjoyed this. If you’re in the U.K. I’d love it if you shared this with your Brexit friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. I scheduled this to appear online at about 7 a.m. your time just so more of my British friends would see it. Just once I want to go viral in the U.K. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil