Why The Amish Are Cooler Than You

Admit it, you saw the title and had to read further. I am totally diggin’ me some Amish action lately. I see straw hats, bonnets, and horse drawn buggys and I think, “Damn, break me off a piece of that!” I cannot find me a butter churn fast enough.  We all love the Amish. We find their culture and lifestyle fascinating. Here’s your evidence that the Amish are hot: Last week I bought a shed from the Amish. (Notice how we always refer to them as ‘The Amish’? As if they’re all one group or a large object of some sort.) So after my awesome, built like a fortress, Amish shed was delivered I posted a picture of it on Facebook.  That picture of my new Amish shed generated more comments than anything I’ve ever said or posted on Facebook in the last four years. Either I’m a boring Facebooker or you’re diggin’ some Amish action too.

So why do we all love the Amish so much? Is it their stylish black outfits? They say black is very slimming. Have you ever seen a fat Amish person? Me neither. I wonder what their gyms are like? Instead of a stairmaster maybe they have a butter churn machine. The guys work out by bench pressing 4″x4″ lumber with hay bales on the ends. Do they work out in those sack dresses and the pants with suspenders? Do those come in lycra?

Another good thing about being Amish; their budget kicks ass. Guess how much money the Amish lost in their 401K’s when the economy tanked? A lot less than me, that’s for sure. You think the Amish worry about how they’ll pay for retirement? Do you know how much they pay for electricity? $0.00. That’s pretty damn good compared with my utility bill. And guess how much they pay for gas? Yup, $0.00. Unfortunately, the gas they’re most familiar is in the form of methane coming from the horse in front of them pulling their buggy.

Rumspringa. It’s the Amish word for a period of adolescence when youth are allowed to leave home for a period of time to experience the modern world and decide if they want to return to the Amish faith. Talk about an awesome hall pass! It’s a wonder they get any of them back. As a parent I love the idea. I’d love to get my kids out of the house for a year or two. In fact, I want to negotiate with the Amish for a reverse rumspringa program. When my kids are being difficult I want to send them to live with the Amish for a year. Building a few barns would straighten out their attitude.

I fear however that Amish culture as we know it may soon cease to exist and I fear that it may be my fault. I accidentally exposed the Amish to the cartoon Family Guy. The Amish are allowed to use technology for work but not in their homes. The Amish shed maker had to call me to tell me when my shed was going to be delivered and my ringback tone is a clip from Family Guy. At the end of our brief conversation Amish shed maker said, “I like your ringtone.” Since then I’ve gotten 27 hang up calls from an unlisted number. I just hear a little oddly accented giggling before the line goes dead. I’m pretty sure it’s the Amish calling just to listen to Family Guy. This can’t be good.

To be honest, like the Amish would be, this post is an excerpt from my book Fifty Shades of Phil, which features the 50 best posts from the first eight years of The Phil Factor. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to have a literary rumspringa with me you can purchase Fifty Shades of Phil for 99 cents for your Kindle or just the Kindle app on your phone.. Unless of course you’re Amish. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil