Throwback Thursday! I’m Not A Doctor, But There’s an App For That

10/19/2013)  I went to my doctor yesterday because I was bitten by a radioactive spider and I seem to have super-human strength and sticky hands. Well, that and maybe a sinus infection. So of course they decided to weigh me to decide if my sinus infections body mass index was too high. After seeing my weight I’m pretty sure my sinus infection weighs about 10 pounds.

Then I went into the holding cell exam room. My doctors office is very deceptive. They always take you back from the waiting room really quickly so you think, “Oh great! They’re not that far behind. I’ll be out of here quickly.” If you think that they should also examine you for your delusional thinking. In the exam room the medical assistant takes your temp, pulse and blood pressure. I’m convinced this is just busy work because when I asked what my blood pressure was she said 7.   I’m also pretty sure it said Fisher Price on the stethoscope.

Then the waiting game began. Eventually the “resident”, who looked young enough that the Fisher Price doctor kit would be appropriate, came in to examine me. At the supermarket I’m fine with getting in the line with the sign that says “Cashier in Training,” at the doctor’s office, not so much. I’m relieved however when ten minutes later my real doctor comes in to review the residents diagnosis.  As he asked questions of her regarding the diagnosis he asked her, “Well did you do the Progressive Lidodystrophy scale? There’s an app for that.”  They both immediately assumed the standard ‘teenager in trigonometry class’ posture, heads down staring at their phones. A minute or two later the resident began quizzing me from her phone and concluded by telling the real doctor that I had a score of eleven. I said, “That sounds awfully low. Did you try the power up on level 5?”

Hey, I’m all for modern technology improving medical care and the quality of our lives, but do I want my doc going to the same app store for his diagnosis where I go for Angry Birds? At an appointment 6 months ago my doctor consulted the internet on his phone because he didn’t have a good answer about something. And he didn’t even go to WebMd. He justs Googled! I could do that. I’m starting to think that maybe we don’t even need doctors for minor stuff.

You know where the doctors do need help though? The medication names. What is wrong with pharmaceutical companies? I think they just have little kids there making up nonsense words. Why do the names of medications have to be so linguistically complicated that even medications for the most minor ailment make it sound like it might be fatal? It was better in the 1950’s when you had medication names that told you what the medication did. There were names like “Rash Be Gone” and “No More Runs.”

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