Yesterday at the supermarket I felt a twinge of shame. I had gone there to buy one thing, toilet paper. As soon as I picked it up I could feel the furtive glances. Others assuming as they silently passed judgement that I was silently passing gas. They knew. They knew that I had pooped and was planning to poop again in the future. Maybe a lot. I imagined that at least one of them thought to themselves, “Sheesh! That’s a lot of toilet paper for one person. He must really have a problem.” So of course I bought another item so that the other customers and the cashier wouldn’t think that I had come there just for toilet tissue. I bought ginger ale. When you do buy that one additional item with toilet paper, make sure it’s not paper towels or tissues. People will assume the obvious.
We all do it. When we’re buying any product that has anything to do with our nether regions, we feel a little embarrassment even though every other person on the planet does exactly what we do every day. Why? Why do we all get that little twinge of shame at others knowing our booty business? ( I just coined the phrase “booty business”. If I ever own a strip club, or an exclusive toilet paper boutique, that’s what I’m going to name it.)
You’re damn right Oprah. Everybody poops. Even the Pope poops. Although I imagine that the Pope pooping has got to be a process. It can’t be easy to get out of that robe quickly. That thing is like a wedding dress. Do the Cardinals have to help him? What does he do if the urge comes on all of a sudden? Maybe he had a questionable taco late night and next morning he’s in the middle of Sunday mass at the Vatican. If you and I are at work, we can just pop off to the loo for a few minutes without anybody noticing. The Pope however doesn’t have that luxury. What if it’s an “emergency” and he has to leave in the middle of mass and forgets to take his microphone off? You thought the puffs of smoke coming from the Vatican chimney are announcing a new Pope? Not always! Pope poop problems sort of put my buying toilet paper embarrassment in perspective.
What about the President or Prime Minister? They’ve got security with them at all times! If they’re away from home giving speeches, does the security have to enter the rest room with them? I’d love to listen to their communications into their little microphones and earpieces at a time like that.
“Bravo One reporting. The Eagle needs a nest ASAP. We may have a nuclear emergency, if you know what I mean.”
“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. We have located a nest. The Eagle has landed. I repeat, The Eagle has landed (cough, cough) and ugh. Eeeew! Jeez! What did he eat last night? Oh my God. I am not getting paid enough for this.”
“Bravo One reporting. Umm Bravo Charlie Zulu, your mic is still live. I repeat. You mic is still live.”
“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. My mic may be live, but whatever came out of him definitely isn’t. (vomiting noises)
Do the security guys have to stand right outside the door every time a President goes all day long? When I’m the President, that’s going to cause problems for me. I won’t be able to just let it go.
Parody video by Nick L’Mao and singing by Sarah Brown
Yes, I know some of you may be disappointed that I took the low road and departed from my usual high brow, intellectual humor, but c’mon, wasn’t this funny? And in laughing about and learning about others booty business, don’t we all feel better?
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great weekend and a great poo! ~Phil
Hahaha I am laughing far too hard at this post! The bit about the Pope killed me! 😂
And now you’ve got me wondering how the Pope does manage to finagle his way out of that very white (easily stainable!) robe to go to the bathroom.
Thanks Charlotte! I think you must be the first person to actually read this.
Thanks for the morning laugh, Phil! 🌮💩🤢
Not me, I love poop humor. I have to admit I never thought about POTUS and security. The other thought was the Pope frantically trying to shed his gown in reaction to his saur kraut and pork New Year’s Day dinner. Too bad about all those grapes he consumed as well.
Wow! You really put some extra thought into the Pope.
I’ve been there.
It’s he same way, kinda, buying feminine products. Oh well, it happens…it’s part of my anatomy. Screw it
Everybody poops. I have also wondered about the guarded. Does POTUS’s ticktock include ‘6am — daily constitutional’? I bet they just mix it in with reading and reflection. New POTUS will be reading and reflecting on Twitter, I’m sure.
Thank you . Now when I read people making fun of Trumps tweets I’ll picture him on the toilet.
I noticed commercials
That sell toilet tissue
Are much more up front
Addressing the issue
Like ridges and stuff that
Will get you real clean
Used to be about softness
Now somewhat obscene
Or maybe it’s my fault
For thinking them rude
Like you say, we all do it
So call me a prude.
Haha brilliant! I have no shame. Our larger packs of toilet roll come with a little handle so I will swing it on to my back and wear those shit tickets like a rucksack! Now, pooping at work – that’s a whole other story do you think?
Not for me, but I know it is for a lot of people. Remember my post of two years ago titled The Poop at Home People?
Yeah, it’s ‘ringing’ bells. I am still not a work pooper if I can help it
Giggling hard! Now, I have a product for you…look it up. It is called “VIPoo”. At the least, you will laugh hysterically over the commercial. Have fun! 😛
I’m glad you enjoyed it. As for the VI Poo, believe it or not, I actually have a similar product in my house called Poo pourri! It really works.