I’m traveling this week for both vacation and work, so you get some jokes from some other funny people who don’t have blogs. If you don’t Twitter, you should try it. It’s fun! If you aren’t sure how Twitter works, read A Guide to Twitter for The Non Twits. If you want to follow me on Twitter, you can find me @ThePhilFactor
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 10, 2017
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 10, 2017
This one is the story of my life:
HONEY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE I FEEL TO WRITE FUNNY SHIT FOR FREE FOR PEOPLE I’VE NEVER MET… fine, it does sound stupid out loud.
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) January 18, 2012
https://twitter.com/ChristinaLeek/status/807194785534607360
So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 4, 2017
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) December 30, 2015
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
[divorce settlement]
JUDGE: Your ex-wife is claiming you have spent her money extravagantlyME: [Segways up to mic] She's lying
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 16, 2016
Facebook: Keeping fake friendships on life support long after they've flatlined
— The Phil Factor (@ThePhilFactor) December 31, 2016
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 29, 2016
Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
If I tweeted it would never
Come out nearly half so clever.
Don’t be sad, don’t be bitter, there’s a whole lot of poets on Twitter
that is practically unheard
To make rhymes with so little words?
LOL. I have to slow down and read some of the Twitter bards.
I wish I was half as funny as most of the people I follow on Twitter
Where do you find the funny ones?
If you find one, then Twittter will recommend others like that one, or often people retweet others and you see themin your timeline and can choose to follow them.
Thanks.
I love the checks one!
What a fun collection.