Dear Scientists,
It’s really nice that you have inquisitive minds. Your discoveries and research really benefit man and womankind. Most of the time you guys and gals are just swell. But… there are other times when I’m not so thrilled with you science types.
You know how when you were a kid and you heard strange noises coming from your parents bedroom at night? When you asked about the noises they would tell you that they were just wrestling or having a tickle fight. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Sadly, you scientific types feel compelled to tell us everything you know. Sometimes, it would be nice if when you had bad news you would just lie to us like our parents did. Imagine if they had told us the truth! We’d have been horrified. Sometimes it’s best that we don’t know. Like for instance, yesterday when I read about this:
Oklahoma City, October 03, 2006. Oklahoman Photo By Steve Gooch
That is a reticulated python. I saw the headline that said “Pythons Can Kill a Human in a Minute and Swallow Them in an Hour.” For you scientists that study these kind of things, this is one of those times I wish you’d shut the hell up. We don’t need to know that! We don’t want to know that! We don’t need to know that these things get up to 25 feet long. Also, based on my post from a few weeks ago, Could There Be Snakes in YOUR Can?, those two pieces of information together could cause widespread panic.
Imagine people worrying about 25 foot snakes coming out of their toilet and swallowing them whole! Now because of you, we all know that’s a possibility.
Another thing you scientists can shut the hell up about is the fact that there are germs everywhere! We don’t need to know that our cell phones have more germs than toilets. We don’t need to know that the lettuce in restaurants usually has fecal matter and e coli. Enough with the studies of germs! We don’t want to know about the invisible horrors.
And meteors! This article about a new meteor came out yesterday. Unless you can figure a way to stop meteors or to steer the Earth out of the way, stop telling us when meteors are headed right at us. Just because you can science doesn’t always mean that you should.
Sometimes life is more pleasant if we get to believe that the big snakes, germs and meteors are all just having a tickle fight.
Have a great Saturday, it just might be your last! ~Phil
Oh, I have tears rolling down my face, I’m laughing so hard! 25 foot snakes that can eat you whole? And that may be lying in wait for you in the can? Really didn’t need to know that! Some times ignorance sure is bliss! 😉
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed. As for the snakes thing, if I had to know, I didn’t want to be alone, so I shared! Have a great Saturday!
I totally agree, Phil. I don’t want to know about the dangers of killer snakes in the toilet or deadly microbes on my phone or what happened in my parents’ bedroom. Luckily in Maine the snakes would freeze to death and I rely on a tip top immune system to protect me from the ubiquitous nature of micro flora. Oops! Just dropped my donut on the floor. No problem. There is acid in my stomach and I’m not afraid to use it!
I think the snakes don’t freeze to death. I think they hibernate. They’ll be out soon! (Hey, if I have to know this stuff, you do too!)
Okay. You’ve ruined my day. I’m going to envision the black bears waking up at the same time and gobbling the snakes to give me the will to live.
Whatever helps you sleep at night!
Not mentioning that in a former life I was a scientist…but….25ft snake in your can? how smegging big is the U-bend. Blighter would get stuck and drown in… well no need to finish that off lol I’m all for conspiracy too; if news leaks out about, say, said meteor then what’s on the back burner they don’t want to dominate media? Them aliens most likely :). Fab post Phil. really enjoyed it 🙂
Thanks Gary!
Also, I’m totally rooting for aliens 👽
Ha Ha, although maybe not Alien Alien… I’d fancy my chances better against the snake there !!!
This made me laugh so hard. It is funny coz I am a scientist… Or rather I am a lab tech that works with scientists in research… And I have these thoughts a lot. Some things we are better off NOT knowing. Epic Saturday to you, Phil
You’re the second scientist to comment today. I had no idea so many scientists blog in their free time. Must be to get away from the stress of all the terrible knowledge they have.
This is actually why we do it. 🙂
You do it so bloggers have something to talk about?
Lol. Exactly! Seriously though, I think the art of fear drives a lot of things these days. Sadly.
Oh my… definitely there are some things those ‘scientists’ can keep to themselves!!!
Oh my goodness, this made me laugh! I totally agree. I really don’t want to know what’s on my lettuce on how many germs are on the seat on a train or a bus! Maybe we should boycott scientists, although would that include social scientists like psychologists as I’m training to be one and don’t want to be on your hit list?!
Working on PhD? I’ve got my Masters in Psych!
Had to laugh out loud reading this. Why then did I check before using the facilities? You devil you.
If I’m thinking of this stuff, I want everyone else to as well
Success!
Phil, don’t be tarring all scientists with the one brush lol! My degree is microbiology 😂😂
Amen! I’m married to a scientist. It’s not easy being constantly informed :/
LOL!
It’s because of those millions-of-germs-on-office-telephones articles that I walk around with hand sanitizer and Kleenex Wipes! I wish I’d never known… 😆
I think it’s better to be exposed to the germs so you can develop resistance to them. Typically I find co-workers more annoying than the germs themselves
Ahahahahaha!!! That’s another blog post in the making, “Death by Annoying Co-workers”.
I can’t write that post because my co-workers read my blog. You’ll have to run with that idea.
I live on an island, Phil. I can’t write this post either. It would be obvious of whom I speak. Lol!
The final line cracked me up. Ha! In defence of scientists…actually no, I can’t defend them, they are sadists 😉
I’m sure they’re all in their labs laughing at us. They’re probably making half of this stuff up.
I’m with everyone else on this one, it’s good that someone knows this stuff, but sometimes–I just don’t want to think about it. If the snake in my toilet is going to eat me, I say get on with it whilst I eat my fried Cheetos and drink my fourth beer.
You eat cheetos and drink beer when you’re on the toilet?
Of course, don’t you?
Pizza and tequila
EXCELLENT
Hahaha, awesome, Phil! From a very NON science perspective, I get completely freaked out by some of the stuff that I hear from the world of atoms, neutrons, and test tubes! I agree; either shut the h*ll up, or give us the latest news about discovering a money tree that sheds its ‘leaves’ once a day! Then I’m in! Cher xo
The money tree would be great, but would it be for everyone?
I should have said, “trees, and lots of ’em” (for everyone) 🙂
You should run for President with that idea!
😉 xo
For scientists this is their mission
Shattering dreams part of their job description.
Too funny. That’s a really good one!
I agree,for the most part, with you, Phil! Bad news could be carefully doled out to us, in small pieces. Possibly add in some good news, interspersed with this. . .
Now, I do believe in being proactive with pollution and preventing aerosol and other gases into our air. Oops, hope you still like my stopping by. 😉
Of course I still like you stopping by!
HAHAHA!! I agree completely!
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. !
ITs only a little meteorite – and it’s going to hit the scary snake. It’ll all be fine!
I tend to switch off the radio/TV when I hear stories that start “Scientists conducting experiments have discovered … ” (a cure for cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer’s, the common cold, boredom, sin, Brexit ….) because I just know it will relate to some vague experiment with mice or some futuristic promise that we’ll never hear of again!
My takeaway is I won’t be cleaning my toilet today. Thank you. lol
LOL!
25 feet? That’s it. I’m done.
Too much info Phil. I’ll be checking the toilet for Pythons going forward. Thanks.
P.S. Hold the lettuce on my burger too. 😉
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