I read a news report of a (American football) Philadelphia Eagles fan who sadly passed away too young last week. People passing away everyday isn’t usually newsworthy outside of their friends and family. This one was however because he wrote his own obituary in which he requested “8 Philadelphia Eagles as pall bearers so they can let me down one last time.” I don’t know whether the team obliged and sent the pall bearers, but good on the guy for trying.
Death. I hate it and will do anything to avoid it. Seems pretty obvious, right? Yes and no. There are people that go around spouting nonsense like, “Well, we all have our time,” or “Enjoy the time you have. You never know when it’s going to be up!” I’m not one of those people, and I’m tempted to punch those people in the mouth, perhaps hastening their death. Trust me, the fewer of those death optimists, the better. I just coined a phrase, “death optimists.” Feel free to use it liberally in conversation over the next few years until it becomes embedded in the English language. If you speak a different language, such as Hindi, feel free to use it too. Everybody else, just piss off. Except for Norway. Norway, you definitely seem like a country full of death optimists.
When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that the wall between the United States and Mexico be taken down, and that funerals should be fun. Funeral has fun right in the word! If you rearrange all the letters, you get “real fun.” C’mon, our ancestors that invented the word funeral obvious meant for us to enjoy ourselves at these things! Also, I’m going to pass a law stating that at the age of 21, everyone has to make their funeral plans. Why 21? Well, aren’t the choices you make about anything in life more fun at 21 than at 41? If people plan their funerals when they’re old and boring, their funerals will be old and boring.
A Celebration of Life! Yeah, this cockamamie phrase gets tossed out there at every funeral and I’ve never seen one that achieves it. If you want to celebrate someones life, do it the way they would have. Pick their happiest, partyingest moment and recreate that. Play the music from their wedding reception and everybody get drunk and form a conga line! That’s what I want, my drunk friends in a conga line going by my open casket while Love Shack by the B-52’s plays. I got me a casket as big as a whale and it’s about to set sail!
Wouldn’t it be poetic justice if I did pass away and because I wrote this, it actually comes to pass? I definitely don’t want to die anytime soon, or ever really. But if I do, I want my ten closest friends or family to read their favorite Phil Factor post aloud at my funeral. You just read that, so it might be you. Here’s what I want from you, my readers; in the comments write what fun way you’d like to pep up your funeral!
Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
P.S. My new humorous suspense novel hits the Amazon Kindle bookstore on Friday Sept. 1st!
#PHIL2020
Funerals should definitely be a remembrance! But they’ll always be tinged with sadness…
If you’re not laughing at a funeral then you are not telling stories of a life well-lived.
Absolutely!
Weirdly enough I’ve been listening to a lecture by Alan Watts about death being an extremely sombre subject and that we should ‘go out with a bang, rather than a whimper’, get the champagne out and celebrate!
I don’t want people wearing black at my funeral. My favourite colour is blue, so it’d be nice if people could come along in varying shades of blue. I like the thought of playing Mr Blue Sky by ELO at my funeral. A party afterwards, with lots of happy music, good food, and drink!
I have a lot of fears around death, but equally I couldn’t comprehend living forever. Death is a natural part of life. I just want to make the most of whatever time I have 🙂
LOL, you finished your comment by saying something a death optimist would! It’s good to know that there are others out there that support my funeral party idea.
I know a man that had his wake before he died (he was terminally ill) because he wanted to enjoy the party and say goodbye to everyone in his own style. Which was amidst fun & laughter!
That’s great! I love that idea!
The Irish have this down. We do not have boring deaths. We are loud (and usually drunk) and laughing when our loved ones go. I want it that way when I go. If you’re not drunk and cracking up about something I did or said while alive then go home and sob into your pillow. I want to be cremated, so I’m always hopeful a calamitous wind shift will happen and you will all be washing my ashes out of your hair that night.
LOL! I’m with you. I’m Irish and enjoy the funerals tremendously. Last one I went to, we broke out shots of whiskey in the cemetery at 11:00 a.m.
Good lad.
It’s tradition here that the grave diggers drink a bottle of whiskey while digging the grave!
Hope I never have to take part in the grave digging process, because too much whiskey would send me to my grave 😂😂
Yes . We know how to give a good send off Christine!
This is great! I often thought of something like this☺
.. and a song at the graveside ” as they lowered ye down” 😂😂😂
Absolutely! Who doesn’t love an Irish funeral! They’re the best!
…unless it’s your own of course 😜😜
Haha..yeah! Then you’re thinking *fuckers*
Need to pass my margarita recipe to a competent person and have a big ole party.
That sounds great!
My recipe scales to ten gallons.
Phil, I love the way you think. I have money set aside for my funeral to pay for all the beer people will drink because my ‘celebration’ is taking place in a bar, with loud music, laughter and all my friends and family. I don’t want flowers and sappy shit and I will come back and haunt anyone who tries
I can only hope I get an invite to a funeral like that!
I’d celebrate my passing away
By having a heavy metal band play
no one to good or I’d be pissed
That the performance I would miss
Perfect’! Your funeral will definitely be grand and warrant a heavy metal band, perhaps the best in all the land!
I hope people at my funeral celebrate my life and theirs! We need more celebrations that’s for sure! 🙂
I want my family, friends and loved ones to know how important they are to me. I want them to stumble on some gratitude list or some blog or journal where I wrote about their greatness. I want them to know how they helped my life so much. I hate this shit. My eyes have tears.
On a lighter note, I once told a good friend that if I pass anytime soon, to check my freezer and distribute whatever food I have in it. Especially the fresh gulf shrimp and slimy okra I’m waiting to make a gumbo with when it gets cold; Not to let it go to waste. (I love food)
The title of this piece alone is quite the attention grabber. 😝But I have to admit, I couldn’t agree more with your wording: “Death. I hate it and will do anything to avoid it.” 😜
Love this. Great attitide, in my opinion. I especially love the conga line idea. A friend of mine suggested you also be lying in your casket with your hand raised up so they can give you a high five on the way by! 🙂
It’s funny you said that. I thought of the high five when I was writing it.
Great minds, etc, etc, eh?!
Wow. Talk about synchronicity.
I read this post of yours yesterday, and today I woke up to my sister calling to tell me my dad died last night. Almost creepy, huh? Thanks to your essay, I took it much better than I otherwise may have. I’m seeing it as the cliched but still profound “celebration of his life”. Or, as you so aptly put it, I’m being sure to keep the “fun” in the experience as much as I can and still show empathy and respect.
Thank you for being there when I needed you, even though neither one of us had any idea of what was going on at the time.
Here’s to synchronicity at its finest! Cheers!
Wow. Talk about synchronicity. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Well, it’s been a week since my dad passed away, and it went relatively well. Your post helped a lot. I shared a couple of the points with my sister and it helped her, too. I even had to borrow the Eagles joke and adapt it to the Broncos!
If you would like to read the tribute I wrote for the service, I’ve included the link below. Thank you again so much for being there with the perfect advice right when I needed it.
http://jamesclarkthenextiteration.wordpress.com/2017/08/31/an-iterative-tribute-to-dad/
Of course I’d like to read the tribute. It touched me that you thought of what I had written during such a tough time for you.
Thank you.
I must have some really fun friends and family. My uncle wanted “Oh When the Saints Go Marchin’ In played at the end of his funeral. That was fun. And recently when my really fun girl friend’s husband died, she had every funny story about him told by the people who experienced the adventure or misadventure. And my friend had conversations and improv comments to each of the stories. She said he wanted her to tell a few jokes and a funny story. Boy did she. She’s like a standup comedian anyway. He would have been rolling over in his grave if he had one. Oh, they had bluegrass musicians in the service and a larger group of them at the full-on party meal reception. All his favorite Minnesota foods. Massive lay out. No pun intended. This will sound like a lie but it’s not. Her brother died the day after her husband so they kept the ashes from both men and had another memorial service in the midwest where they were originally from. I didn’t go to that one. The first one was too perfect to do anything else. The best funeral ever.
Phil! *Glomp* It’s been too long since I read your blog. Shame on me!
As for my funeral, if I’m in a casket I want it spray painted cool colors. If I’m cremated, my temporary ashtray/urn shall be freaking cool, too. I’m serious. Can I call it… dead serious? I’ve wanted a funky funeral ever since my dad died in 2013. His was an Irish funeral, so drinking booze and talking about his signature laughter were common practices that day. But overall, it involved too much mourning. Typical.
Anyway, for my funeral there will be humor everywhere and Weird Al songs playing. Maybe the occasional instrumental song for the folks who don’t like Weird Al. But if they don’t like his music, they better get the heck out. I don’t want party poopers ruining my special day.
And since I’m really not that funny of a person, I might need a comedian to write my eulogy for me. I love funny stuffs, but I’m more odd than anything. By the way, you looking for a eulogy writing job? It doesn’t pay until I die, but I plan to die in about 35 ish years, right before I reach senior citizen status, so if you’ve got that kinda time…
Hi Crystle! Welcome back! Well, if you do ever die, I’d be honored to write your eulogy. I hope I’d get invited to the funeral too. I don’t know you well but I do remember your colorful hair, so a very funky casket or urn would be perfect!
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If you ever decide to actually make this a law ( if you get into power 😝) I am so going to Vote for you …
Funerals are meant to be fun .. I mean someone successfully dragged his/her ass through this shitty world ! It is a celebration of completion of the hardest race ..
He/she finally gets to REST IN PEACE ..