Get ready, this is coming
We’ve all been in this conversation:
Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!
Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.
Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!
Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face) What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.
I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.
“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.
My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)
I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?
That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?
Admit it, none of you really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.
You know what’s also great to do when the weather forces you inside? Reading a good book. How about a humorous time travel suspense story that’s been compared to “Back to the Future but without the DeLorean…” My new novel Time To Lie is available in Amazon in both Kindle and paperback!
Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
Ah, but I am one of those people — Indianapolis, born and raised. Pined for it when I lived in the south, glad to be home.
Summer is the worst for me. I don’t understand summer people. I could live in someplace like Sweden in the summer and y’all summer people could just send me the fruit 😉
Yeah…we don’t really have seasons here.
I’m jealous
Phil Taylor, you are dead to me! I am actually going to experience, for the very first time in my 44 motherfucking years of life, an actual fall and an actual winter and an actual spring and I am fucking ecstatic! You will not sully this moment for me! Get back to me in January, though, and see how I feel then.
Christine Knapp! How dare you take that tone with me! Where you live you don’t really have a fall winter or spring. In January when I get back to you I’ll be standing 2 feet deep in snow while you might be mildly inconvenienced because it’s 60° and a little rainy. Your winter is going to be what my spring is except with less snow
I may get a flurry. You never know! And when you factor in the fact that I’ve lived in south Florida practically my whole life it’s like I really will be experiencing an actual winter. There’s a weather bell curve, ya know?
No, there’s no bell curve. It’s not relative. At the same time though, you Floridians have a lifetime of making sure you don’t get eaten by alligators while we up north don’t have anything comparable. Yes there’s the occasional bear sighting but they’re more scared of us.
Am I still dead to you?
Eh, I suppose not, but one more unkind word about the leaves changing and there will be hell to pay.
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