Tomorrow People Magazine will name their Sexiest Man Alive for 2017. I have high hopes, but as usual I assume that People Magazine will pander to the lowest common denominator and choose some allegedly good looking, hunky but mindless actor or musician. Here are my ten reason’s why they should choose me:
10. Because Google Says So: Go to Google Images and Google “Phil Sexiest Man Alive”. That picture above comes up first. If Google thinks it’s true, it must be.
9. Because I Have A Blog: I have a blog and I published a book. We’re not even sure if most of these pretty boys they choose can read much less write.
8. You Stare At My Picture More Than Theirs: Let’s face it, you’ve been to my blog several times a week over the past year, meaning that you’ve probably seen my little profile pic countless times. Over the past year you’ve looked at my picture far more than whoever People will choose, ergo, I am sexier.
7. I’m all natural: Unlike many previous Sexiest Man Alive winners, I’m all natural. No steroids, hair implants or hair dye. I’m 100% all-American male.
6. I’m Employed: Have you ever noticed that they always choose actors? That’s a fly by night bunch if I ever saw one. Flitting from one job to the next. I’m employed full-time every day and I have health insurance. That’s the American dream right?
5. I’m a Normal Guy: Aren’t we all tired of magazines pushing these unrealistic expectations of what is sexy on us? It’s always rail thin models with implants and “hunky” guys who have no real jobs so they work out all day with a personal trainer. How about if People chose a “real” man for Sexiest Man Alive? A normal guy who is sexy because he’s smart, funny, works hard, and provides for his family? Isn’t that what most women really want at the end of the day instead of an unattainable player?
4. I’m Smart: Now I know nobody is going to mistake me for Leonardo DaVinci, but I’m pretty sure I could crush Leonardo DiCaprio at Jeopardy! Most people think intelligence is sexy. Marilyn Monroe once said that the sexiest man alive was Albert Einstein. I’m not going to give you a lecture on physics, but I can hold up my end of a conversation. I’m willing to pit myself against any show biz pretty boy in a Jeopardy! challenge. C’mon People magazine! Set it up! Let’s make this years Sexiest Man Alive earn it by being sexy inside and out. How about me, Bill Gates, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson vs. Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper & Ryan Reynolds in a game of Trivial Pursuit? That would be riveting television!
3. I Would Look Great On Money: Why not? Why does money have to feature old, dead Presidents? Most of them are pretty ugly any way. I propose that each Sexiest Man Alive gets to spend the following year as the face on the American one dollar bill.
2. Gray Hair is Distinguished: All you ladies always say that gray hair makes a man look “handsome” or “distinguished.” Over the past year my hair has been getting gray A.F. as the kids say. If chicks dig a guy with a little salt and pepper action going on, then I’m your man.
1. I’m Already Sexiest Blogger Alive: I was once named Sexiest Blogger Alive so doesn’t it make sense that I should take the next step and ascend to the real throne? Go ahead, click that link. I dare you.
There you have it, my annual argument why I should be named Sexiest Man Alive. If I don’t win it this year, as a consolation there is one other thing I’d like to win: The AllAuthor.com Cover of The Month Contest. Please click THIS LINK and vote for my book cover. Thank you and have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
there you go -)
Hahaha. I whole heartedly agree with no. 5 & no.4. The sexiest men are great Dads and Husbands and are lots of fun. Also, intelligence is verrrrrry sexy. However, as sexy as you are and as you sit pretty as no.2 sexiest man alive, I’ll still have to give the no.1 slot to my husband. Hmmm, though there is Idris Elba too….
LOL, well I can’t begrudge you choosing your own husband. What is it with Idris Elba? He is in virtually everything lately. I just say him in the Thor movie last night.
I NEED to see that. I’m more than happy with him being in everything 😍
It was very good. Very funny.
You had me at good insurance. It’s really my only priority at this point. If I ever have another marriage it will be with a Canadian. I really just want health coverage, but all the flannel and maple syrup will be a great fringe benefit.
You can marry a Canadian! You can’t even tolerate Fall in North Carolina! How would you live in Canada for crimes sake?
Flannel from head to toe 24/7.
Even in July they wear flannel
At some point I’ve got to get used to it. It has to get easier. This is just me easing into Canadian life.
No, you never get used to it. I’ve had a crappy fall and winter every year for my entire life. It sucks every October when the weather turns bad
Listen to Jeff Buckley. It will help.
I seriously can’t believe its taken this long. I never considered the good insurance before. This could be the thing that puts you over the top!
LOL! You’re the second person to mention that. I had no idea that being well ensured was my most attractive quality.
Ah! That’s awesome! And I’m 100% sure we were both Americans!
I’m not even going to waste my money buying People Magazine because I know you’ll be no.1 and I’d have only wasted my money looking at all the unworthy ‘runners up’.
Had me chuckling, Phil. Salt and pepper for the win!
Thank you! I’m glad you like the salt and pepper. That makes one of us.
Best of luck.
This must be the fourth year
That I have read through it
People magazine
Just come on and do it!
You’re hilarious 😂
Thank you! Nice to meet you. Heading over to your blog now!