Blake Shelton: Red Neckiest Man Alive

Yes, that’s right, I used the word “neckiest.” Blake Shelton is not just a red neck, he’s the red neckiest of red necks. Truth be told though, he does need a big red neck to hold up that gigantic melon he calls his head. His noggin is shaped like a canned ham. A giant canned ham. If his head was a canned ham, a family of twelve could have a nice Christmas dinner with it.

If Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive, then the Russians have obviously meddled in another one of our elections. Election? I don’t remember voting. Where the hell was my polling place for this train wreck? I guarantee you that if there was an actual election Blake Shelton would never win Sexiest Man Alive.

Look at the relative size of their heads in the picture above. Blake could kill him with a head butt. That’s why he looks so terrified. Think about this: The big stupid head pictured above is allegedly sexier than every other man on planet Earth. Every. Other. Man. Including me! I know. Hard to believe, right? I’m not into guys, not that there’s anything wrong with that, and I could still name ten guys sexier than Blake Shelton.

It just occurred to me that Shel-ton sounds a lot like Shit-Ton, as in Blake Shit-Ton needs a shit ton of hair product for a head that large.

Speaking of planet Earth; remember that solar eclipse we had back in August? That wasn’t the moon blocking the sun. It was Blake’s head. He just walked outside.

Remember when Blake took up with Miranda before his divorce to his first wife? Then he was married to Miranda Lambert and cheated on her? Now he’s on to Gwen Stefani. He’s cheating and sleeping his way to the top. Is this the role model we want for young impressionable rednecks?

Upon being named Sexiest Man Alive, with a dribble of chewing tobacco spit on his chin, Blake said, “I can’t wait to shove this up Adam’s ass,”  referring to fellow The Voice judge Adam Levine, who is also a past Sexiest Man Alive. Ooh that’s classy Blake. That ought to play well with the middle America, Honey Boo-Boo, right wing crowd though. You’ve got to be kidding me. I was beaten out for Sexiest Man Alive by that goober? People Magazine, to what lowest common denominator are you pandering? And Blake, if you’ve got a problem with this, I’d love to hear from you.

Want to Win Something? As an aside, my book Time To Lie is still in the running in the AllAuthor.com November Cover of The Month contest. If you voted for me last week, would you mind voting again? And if you haven’t voted yet, why not? Just click THIS LINK and click “Vote.” There’s no sign-up, or leaving your e-mail or anything. If you vote, come back here and leave a comment that you did and I’ll  enter you in a drawing to win an e-book, paperback, or Audible version of my book. Thank you! Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

15 responses to “Blake Shelton: Red Neckiest Man Alive

  1. Hahaha, I had to google who Blake Shelton was!! (Don’t watch the Voice!) He appeared under the google search of ‘canned goods’ 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t listen to his music and I don’t watch that show, BUT when I’m at my in-laws’ house on whatever night that is, I see it — and he’s sexy indeed, big head and all.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You may not have won Sexiest Man Alive but you very well could win Most Hilariously Bitter About Losing Sexiest Man Alive To A Melon Head Country Star. You’re definitely in the running for that.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Voted for you! All this complaining about the size of Blake’s noggin makes me wonder how you compare!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A hundred men I would take
    Before giving this one to Blake
    I say its an abomination
    Next year we’ll change the situation!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry but I’m not copying. Did you say Blake Shel-something won sexiest man alive? Was this in West Virgina? Montana? Were the judges blind? Was this for sexiest man alive at the Dollar Store? I can think of probably 30+ more men sexier than Blake Sheldon. From the beginning I struggled to understand Gwen’s love for him. I would get her loving him as a big bro or something. I’m sorry, it’s going to take another bottle of wine for me to wrap my head around this one. Thanks for giving me a mind f*** at 11 PM Phil.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. YOUR SECOND PARAGRAPH 😂😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Speaking of planet Earth; remember that solar eclipse we had back in August? That wasn’t the moon blocking the sun. It was Blake’s head. He just walked outside. LOL so true

    Liked by 2 people

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