You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.
10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.
9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.
8. Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.
iStockphoto.com/KonArt
7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.
6. Lazy Hollywood folks: All our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 22 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.
5. Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.
4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.
3. Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations. Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?
2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.
1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Marvel movie characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?
Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
I’m a bit of a grinch when it comes to xmas. We have to do the travelling round to family as well, so we get it done the week before and then stay in over xmas to slip into a food coma. I hate that song from Frozen as well. I’ve never seen the film, nor do I ever want to! I’ll be glad when it’s all over!
Christmas music! There hasn’t been anything good since The Waitresses and “Christmas Wrapping” in 1981. And why do we need radio stations 24/7 playing Christmas music from Thanksgiving on? Need a super villain for the jolly fat one? How about one named Amazon?
Numbers 4 and 7 drive me to drink.
I despise obligation. I mean, I really, really despise it. “But it’s Christmas!” Pfft, whatever.
Isn’t Bel Schnickel Santa’s nemesis? Calling Dwight Schrute!
LOL! Only you would remember that!
One of the best Office episodes ever! All the Christmas episodes were hilarious!
Reblogged this on D. Dominik Wickles, Romance Author and commented:
Since I have a cold today and with my head so clogged I couln’t form a coherent sentence, I thought you might get a chuckle out of this blog post from The Phil Factor.
Thank you so much for the re-blog!
I agree with you for the traffic. The normal 9 1/2 hr drive home took us an incredible 13 hours! Thanks for the chuckles. I reblogged this on my site to spread the chuckles around.
Thank you for the re-blog! Yes, traffic is the worst. And unfortunately I do a lot of driving in my job.
Glad to re-blog. Have a great day Phil
Omg this was great! I’m with you all the way ….. I refuse to go shopping during the holidays, the crowds and rude ass people make my skin crawl.
I almost pelted a co-worker with my pens after she kept answering people with her rendition of Frozens “Let it Go” .
But I so flipping agree with the damn reruns and Hollywood time out…..seriously? Enough. They need to work for their millions.
If number 8’s among your peeves
I’m pissed Christmas is 90 degrees!
Pingback: Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons To Love The Holidays! | The Phil Factor