(Jan. 7 2017) Yesterday at the supermarket I felt a twinge of shame. I had gone there to buy one thing, toilet paper. As soon as I picked it up I could feel the furtive glances. Others assuming as they silently passed judgement that I was silently passing gas. They knew. They knew that I had pooped and was planning to poop again in the future. Maybe a lot. I imagined that at least one of them thought to themselves, “Sheesh! That’s a lot of toilet paper for one person. He must really have a problem.” So of course I bought another item so that the other customers and the cashier wouldn’t think that I had come there just for toilet tissue. I bought ginger ale. When you do buy that one additional item with toilet paper, make sure it’s not paper towels or tissues. People will assume the obvious.
We all do it. When we’re buying any product that has anything to do with our nether regions, we feel a little embarrassment even though every other person on the planet does exactly what we do every day. Why? Why do we all get that little twinge of shame at others knowing our booty business? ( I just coined the phrase “booty business”. If I ever own a strip club, or an exclusive toilet paper boutique, that’s what I’m going to name it.)
You’re damn right Oprah. Everybody poops. Even the Pope poops. Although I imagine that the Pope pooping has got to be a process. It can’t be easy to get out of that robe quickly. That thing is like a wedding dress. Do the Cardinals have to help him? What does he do if the urge comes on all of a sudden? Maybe he had a questionable taco late night and next morning he’s in the middle of Sunday mass at the Vatican. If you and I are at work, we can just pop off to the loo for a few minutes without anybody noticing. The Pope however doesn’t have that luxury. What if it’s an “emergency” and he has to leave in the middle of mass and forgets to take his microphone off? You thought the puffs of smoke coming from the Vatican chimney are announcing a new Pope? Not always! Pope poop problems sort of put my buying toilet paper embarrassment in perspective.
What about the President or Prime Minister? They’ve got security with them at all times! If they’re away from home giving speeches, does the security have to enter the rest room with them? I’d love to listen to their communications into their little microphones and earpieces at a time like that.
“Bravo One reporting. The Eagle needs a nest ASAP. We may have a nuclear emergency, if you know what I mean.”
“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. We have located a nest. The Eagle has landed. I repeat, The Eagle has landed (cough, cough) and ugh. Eeeew! Jeez! What did he eat last night? Oh my God. I am not getting paid enough for this.”
“Bravo One reporting. Umm Bravo Charlie Zulu, your mic is still live. I repeat. You mic is still live.”
“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. My mic may be live, but whatever came out of him definitely isn’t. (vomiting noises)
Do the security guys have to stand right outside the door every time a President goes all day long? When I’m the President, that’s going to cause problems for me. I won’t be able to just let it go.
Parody video by Nick L’Mao and singing by Sarah Brown
Yes, I know some of you may be disappointed that I took the low road and departed from my usual high brow, intellectual humor, but c’mon, wasn’t this funny? And in laughing about and learning about others booty business, don’t we all feel better?
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great weekend and a great poo! ~Phil
Thanks for making poop funny. I have never felt uncomfortable when buying tissue, but I have to go in and get some on Saturday… first time maybe?
So funny Phil. Not your usual kind of post. Great to get a peek at your sense of humour. This is all so true. One day my husband went to the shop and I had panty liners on the list! He saw it and said “NO WAY”. He did buy them (because he loves me😁) but he said that was the very last time he would. I bet no one even noticed though! 🙄
Great read Phil!
At your bold sense of humour is what I mean 😂
Loved that you used the original most interesting man in the world…here’s the thing…you may have purchased one of the few items that tips people off you’re going to poop again. Ginger Ale. Mom always let us drink it warm when we had upset stomachs. If I were putting 2 and 2 together, I would think you were sick and maybe had a case of the poops. My theory is find an item that pins it on someone else in your family as a distraction so people won’t think it’s you. Maybe like dishwashing gloves. People might think, “Wow, he’s buying dishwashing gloves too. He must have somebody at home who is really sick.” It’s not a perfect plan, but if you’re trying to throw the scent off you, it could work. (Get it, poop…throw the scent?)
😂
Poop is the first thing you think is funny when you’re a kid and it stays funny all your life! I buy toilet paper at Costco… 😂
I just hate the whole “pooping at work” stigma. I know some that refuse to go at work!!
Two or three years ago I wrote a really popular post titled “The Poop at Home People”. You should read that. If you liked this, that one is better
I will check it out because those people are absolutely ridiculous!
I always wonder about those guys who buy a twenty-five roll package of toilet paper. You have now cleared all that up for me. Thanks for another PSA, Phil.
Thank you John! Glad I could help clear that up for you.
Another check off for an item on my bucket “do not know how that works list.”
I laughed and do realize it takes the romance out of life having a master bathroom or going to a hotel and using the bathroom. I need to pack air freshener for these situations. . .