I like to say things in 500-700 words. I’m not all that great at Twitter, but there are others who have mastered the short form humor. Despite the recent change to 280 characters, there are still people who are brilliantly funny with very little said. Here are some of my recent favorite, laugh out loud tweets:
My stomach is basically an orphanage for Sour Patch Kids
— Doug Bies (@dougbies) January 14, 2018
Big shout out to Ricky from Brighton who just thanked me because he thought he had run out of Corona but then found 6 behind the milk
— Jesus H Christ (@ThatBloke_Jesus) January 12, 2018
“science is fake!” he typed on his phone, which is literally made out of science.
— J.B. 4Realz (@JB4Realz) January 2, 2018
Me:  I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me:  last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
— meh (@bonehugsnirony) January 10, 2018
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
— Boog (@BoogTweets) January 10, 2018
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) January 11, 2018
I live somewhere between, Seize the Day & it’s time for a nap.
— Freudian Scripts™ (@Freudianscript) January 11, 2018
My Sally Jessy Raphael neck tattoo gets me into all the exclusive book clubs.
— Spruce Willis (@SabotagedSmoke) January 10, 2018
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
— 🇺🇸Frank Whitehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) October 10, 2014