Florida The Fire Swamp, The Minister of Loneliness & Our President Might Be Sane

Florida is The Fire Swamp: Remember in The Princess Bride when Westley  and Princess Buttercup were trying to get away from Prince Humperdinck and the fled into The Fire Swamp? Florida is the living embodiment of The Fire Swamp. You can go to Florida and skip Disney. The state is it’s own theme park called Nature Is Trying To Kill Us. Don’t believe me? On a good day, everyone there still has to worry about sinkholes opening up and swallowing their house or car.

A few weeks ago when it got cold down there, there were literally frozen iguanas dropping out of the trees. Just this week the problem is monkeys with herpes.

The Fire Swamp had the R.O.U.S.’s, aka the Rodents of Unusual Size. Florida has  I.O.U.S. Insects of Unusual Size. In my research for this Phil Factor I came across two news articles. One referenced a Florida infestation of “giant mosquitoes” called gallinippers that are “20 times the size of normal mosquitoes.” Their bite is described as “being stabbed or having a hot nail driven into your skin.” Delightful huh? But it doesn’t end with mosquitoes. There are also giant, “rat-sized, tire puncturing” African snails invading Florida. That’s got to be all kinds of fun when you step out in your bare feet to pick up the morning paper.  And seriously remember the R.O.U.S.’s in the movie? Tell me those didn’t look and walk like alligators!

Remember when Westley was put in The Pit of Despair? Maybe he could have used a Minister of Loneliness. This week the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, appointed a Minister of Loneliness to help people in the country who “often or always feel lonely.”

Minister of Loneliness? That sounds like a Harry Potter villain doesn’t it. I’d like to suggest a few more official titles to help with other problems.

I imagine that the Minister of Loneliness is assisted by the Liege of Lugubriousness. All Police Chiefs should be re-named Secretary of Scoundrels. And what government would be complete without The Earl of Economy? If we want our military to be feared we might want to change Secretary of Defense to The Duke of Destruction. With titles like these I imagine that more good people would have interest in government work.

Speaking of government officials…. Earlier this week it came out that during Donald Trump’s official annual physical he voluntarily took an extra cognitive test to prove his sanity. The White House physician wasn’t going to do the test because it’s not normally part of the physical exam, but Donald requested it and then aced it. I’m not sure if that’s more of a relief or a surprise. I’m glad though that he can correctly identify a lion, rhinoceros and a camel. That may come in handy when he visits Florida.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil


44 responses to “Florida The Fire Swamp, The Minister of Loneliness & Our President Might Be Sane

  1. I love this! Florida is like the Fire Swamp. I made the mistake of going camping in Florida in August one year,(I was from Michigan and truly didn’t know any better) I thought I would die for sure!

  2. I hate mosquitoes at the best of times, but giant mosquitoes??? That’s a whole new ball game. I don’t particularly like the thought of being bitten by one of those!

  3. I hate Florida AND I love the Princess Bride! Inconceivable!!! I think not.

  4. We are blessed here in Florida with every exotic creature that can be boxed and smuggled over the borders from south and Central America. But best of all are is the Canadian Over 60 Speedo wearing beachcomber in February. Sigh, can it get any better?

  5. I am never going to Florida. Also, I had no idea we now have a Minister of Loneliness. How quaint, but you know never mind ploughing that money into the severe lack of hospital beds and children that are living below the poverty line in this country. Oh now you’ve got me started, Phil.

  6. Now you have put me completely off Florida, Phil. I am highly allergic to normal mosquitoes.

  7. Hubby & I debated how good the job title Minister for Loneliness was going to look on a CV….I think yours will stand out to all future employers! Maybe Mr Trump’s little test will now be added to school curriculums across the globe…..

  8. I fully anticipate a White House briefing where SHS will use frozen iguanas falling from trees in Florida as proof that global warming is a scientific hoax.

  9. It sounds a bit like Queensland in Australia, everything insect or moving animal seems larger than life. I won’t mention spiders! 🙂 Both Florida and Queensland are a tropical oasis to escape the winter?

  10. The Princess bride rocks so I get this. I am fascinated by the various attacks though. Wow! Poor iguanas.

  11. Frozen iguanas falling out of trees?? I guess I need to watch TV more, I could have used a good laugh this week!

  12. Let’s hope that Trump incorrectly identifies a crocodile as some sort of placid, over-sized pet lizard, bends over to pet it and…*snap* !

  13. Gee Phil I always thought Florida was supposed to be more like Heaven than Heaven. Hey, I hear the US government hasn’t got the funds to carry on governing. That’s good, yes?

  14. Giant mosquitos, snails AND alligators…sounds like you have Animal Kingdom right there without even visiting Disney!

  15. Trump is sane? Well I say, maybe
    Guess that means that we’re all crazy.

  16. Seeee… when I lived in Australia I always had friends sending me articles about Australia’s dangers and expressing their concern for my safety. Should have just told them “At least I don’t live in Florida.” LOL

  17. Gigglesnort!

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