Chip & Joanna Gaines: The Evil Among Us

Yes, that’s right. I hate Chip and Joanna Gaines. Do I know Chip & Joanna? No! Of course not. And I don’t want to. Who would? Am I right?

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That is them. For cripes sake Chip! You’re a wealthy man. Get a haircut and shave your face. You look like you just got done standing on a street corner asking for money so you can feed your dog that’s also homeless with you.

Let me take a step back and explain for my readers from other countries. Chip and Joanna Gaines are a married couple who renovate homes. The problem is that someone decided to make a television show about them. The TV show isn’t even that bad. It’s fine that they’re all cutesy with each other. But, I don’t believe it. Light cannot exist without dark. If there is no dark, then what is light? Mark my words, they are E.V.I.L. Evil with a capital E.

Hopefully very far

My problem with them is their pervasiveness. They are everywhere. Our world is filled with Chip & Joanna. They’re the American Harry and Meghan. I honestly think they are bigger than Kim and Kanye. That’s the first sign of evil. It’s everywhere, constantly, consistently until it’s presence becomes so commonplace that you don’t notice it.

Magnolia Table restaurant, Fixer Upper TV show , Magnolia Home Collection, Magnolia Market, Magnolia Journal magazine, The Magnolia Story book, Matilda Jane clothing, and coming soon to an English pub, Fish and Chip Gaines. It’s too much. It’s all too much. No one wants to see anyone that much. Jeez give it a rest with that Magnolia theme. Us northerners hate it.

But like any typical evil, they don’t want to spoil just their community. They are hell bent on taking over the human race. “What?” you’re saying to yourself. “How could a couple  of home renovators take over the world?” But that’s just it. They aren’t just a couple of home renovators. They are creating an army of evil demons that will infiltrate the entire human gene pool.

They already have four kids and Joanna is pregnant with their fifth. That’s too many. They’re going to turn their show into The Duggars. Once those 5 kids grow up and start procreating, and then their kids start procreating, two or three generations down the road 50% of the Earth’s population will look exactly like either Chip or Joanna Gaines. (I’m hoping the other 50% look like me) They’re supposed to be renovating, not procreating. They can use every tool under the sun but they can’t figure out birth control?

This is exactly how Scientology got started. Most of them are Tom Cruise’s kids. But, like I said, they’re just a little too good. Too squeaky clean. Mark my words, someday we will discover some unspeakably dark secret about them and I, Phil Taylor, will be there to say I told you so, because I just really like to be right about stuff.

Have a great Saturday! Well, everyone but Chip & Joanna.

~Phil