TBT! I Think I’m Allergic To Allergies (Caution: This Post May Contain Gluten & Nuts)

(Aug. 29, 2015) Why is everyone allergic to everything? And why hasn’t modern medicine fixed these allergies? When I was a kid everything was made of gluten and nuts. The tags on our clothes said, “This clothing contains gluten and nuts. Every kind of nuts. There’s too many to count. Anyway if you get hives or can’t breathe, it’s purely coincidental. Suck it up and develop some immunity buttercup. Wash in warm water. Tumble dry on low.”  We even had toy guns that shot gluten and nuts. Now, everyone is either so allergic or so paranoid that you’d be on a National Security Agency list if you walked into an airport with a back pack full of gluten. Schools practically go into a full lock down if you walk in with a peanut.

And what is it with you fragrance allergic people? Where did you come from? When I was a kid we just smelled stuff and nobody broke out in hives. How about if you don’t like a smell you could just plug your nose so the rest of your office doesn’t have to go without deodorant. What ever happened to the concept of majority rules? Now we’ve become so politically correct that anytime one single little thing bothers one person, anyone within a ten block radius has to give up whatever the hell it is that patient zero is “sensitive” to.

I love this kid.

That’s the worst when it isn’t even a real allergy and it’s only just a “sensitivity” to something. What’s that? You have a sensitivity to something? Do you break down crying when it’s around? It sounds like you have permanent PMS about one particular thing. (Sorry ladies, I know the struggle is real. Trust me, I know.)

Guess what? I’m mildly blue/green colorblind. Should I ask my company not to create any charts, graphs or marketing pieces in the colors of green and blue? No. Of course not! I suck it up and figure it out. I’d also like you gluten free people to try that. I don’t care if you’re allergic to gluten. Just shut up and eat food without gluten. Why does it have to be a big production? Why do the rest of us have to hear about it at every single frickin’ meal we eat with you? I’m lactose intolerant. Guess what? I don’t drink milk! You know what else? I let everyone around me drink all the milk they want.

How about if there were gluten free and nut free businesses? Hypo-allergenic schools? How great would that be? All the nut free/gluten free people could go to school and work and restaurants that they know are safe for them. Let’s throw the fragrance free nuts in there too. The rest of us could go about our lives enjoying gluten, nuts and smells anywhere we want. I’m not going to go so far as to suggest that the allergy crowd not reproduce, but I would like to see a law saying that they can’t reproduce with other allergy people. If the allergy folks reproduced with normal people eventually their mutant recessive allergy genes would be eliminated from the gene pool and in the future there would be no more problems with weird allergies! I’m a genius, right?

Ok, this was completely tongue in cheek. Yes, I realize it was completely insensitive. Yes, I know people have died from allergic reactions. Guess what though? We also need to be less sensitive about jokes. If everyone gets offended by everything and the comedians clean up their acts so as not to offend anyone, then comedy wouldn’t be fun. Remember the massacre at the headquarters of the French comedy magazine in January? Those shooters were  people that couldn’t take a joke.  If you are gluten or nut free I hope you can laugh at yourself a little and not show up at my house with guns. Have a great weekend! ~Phil