Category Archives: Humor

I Know What You Googled in the Dark!

I haven’t done one of these posts in a while. This is my quarterly reminder that even if you have your computer in ghost mode or you haven’t signed in to Google, someone somewhere knows what you searched when you’re home alone. Big Brother may not be watching, but I am. So without further self-indulgent blathering by yours truly, these are not the most popular search terms that brought people to The Phil Factor, but they are definitely the most interesting:

Sex position for Tuesday: It’s a little known fact that certain sexual positions on certain days of the week lead to a higher rate of conception. I am the world’s foremost expert on this subject, so for a fee, I will advise. In response to this inquiry, the answer is The Blender Bender. You’re welcome. Enjoy.

Can sociopaths smell? clinical study showed that people with a poor sense of smell score highly on ratings of sociopathic tendencies. I would guess that most of you can’t even smell the aroma I’ve programmed my blog to give off when you open the web page. If you can’t smell it, then you’re a sociopath.

Doppelganger women fight: Every man’s fantasy, right? I’d say that it depends on the woman.

electric-vehiclenews.com

Perks of being the Pope: It’s a little known fact that the Pope and I are old pals. We went to band camp together one summer and we still keep in touch. One of the perks of being the Pope is that he gets to drive the Popemobile, and he just loves to pull up to my house in that thing. He’s so smug.

What do kids get out of snorting Tide pods? I would guess not much more than their nostrils smelling like lavender breeze. Kids, if you’re reading this, stop snorting Tide Pods. Have you even tried drugs?

Amazon.com

Foot Fetish certificate: I used to be in charge of awarding the foot fetish certificates worldwide, but now apparently it’s Amazon.com. Go ahead, click that. I dare you.

Funny drinking charities: These are my favorite charities. Apparently, I am a funny drinking charity. Amazon author stats show that the only time anyone has ordered one of my books is when they are drunk. How does Amazon know that? Trust me, Amazon knows everything. EVERYTHING!

Celebrity nipples: So I’ve got an old friend who is a very well respected and confidential cosmetic surgeon, and long story short, Ryan Gosling has nothing on me, or is it vice-versa?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Why YOU Did Your New Years Resolutions Wrong!

(Jan. 1, 2018) Good morning and welcome to the next year of your life. YOU did your resolutions wrong. Whether you wrote about them online, posted them on Facebook, or just said them aloud to your friends, you did it wrong. “I want to lose ten pounds,” or maybe you said, “I want to be more organized in 2018!”  Perhaps you might have gone the “I’m going to learn something new!” route. Regardless, you were wrong, wrong, WRONG! Yes, that last wrong was said in frustration at you. At the whole human race in fact.

Last night I was watching one of those insipid New Year’s Eve countdown shows and they had clips of about fifteen different celebrities saying their resolutions. These were famous, talented people who have displayed their skills for the world to see. Surely people like this must have grand goals they aspire to, right? Nope. They wanted to lose the same ten pounds as you and “live more in the moment” in 2018. Ugh. Snoozefest. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz. That was me last night dozing off because I was bored with the whole human race and their pathetically small aspirations.

What is wrong with people? Does no one aspire to greatness anymore? Does no one want to change the world, or even conquer it in some fashion? We’ve grown from a single cell organism to creatures that travel to outer space and have phones that can reach anyone anywhere on the planet at any time! Our history is filled with dreamers that wanted to achieve greatness just because they could! But this year, I didn’t hear any of them.

Guess what everybody? We only get one New Year beginning every year. Why squander it dreaming small? You know the old saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll die without oxygen in the void of space you’ll land among the stars.” If you set some mundane goal, you’ll never be excited about achieving it.

Here are my goals for 2018:

  1. Be chosen as Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously, if Blake Shelton can win it, then it’s obviously open to anyone.
  2. Have one of my books achieve best seller status and sell the movie or TV rights.
  3. Resume doing stand-up comedy. Get my own special on Netflix.
  4. Sit down with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and tell them both to grow up and act like adults. Then I will broker a peace treaty between the two countries.
  5. Get all my psychic predictions right and be acknowledged as the world’s greatest psychic who is consulted by world leaders. (This one may have to happen before #4.)

There. That’s how you set goals! Now get off your lazy asses, lose ten pound AND change the world! Are you with me? If you are, put one of your ‘shoot for the moon‘ goals in the comments for all the world to see.

Have a great Monday and an even better 2018! ~Phil

The Top Ten Phil Factor Posts of 2018!

Hi everyone. Happy New Year’s Eve. We’ve made it through another year and I thank you for all your reading, support, and comments over the past year. Just in case you woke up this morning wondering what the most popular Phil Factor posts were in 2018, well I’ve got you covered. Here they are!

10. 2018 Predictions from a Legit Psychic

mirror.co.uk

9. If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner

8. The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

7. The Ten Worst Song Lyrics Ever

6. Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets

5. Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

4. Angst Away! The Cure for That Valentine’s Stench! 

3. The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines

2. Real Sexting Conversations To Read in Hindi

1. Ten Idiotic Things Celebrities Have Bought

You might have noticed that a couple of them weren’t written in 2018. Their popularity continues thanks to search engines that bring people to The Phil Factor from all over the world for very strange reasons. Have a Happy New Year tonight and be safe! For my friends in Australia, I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve! ~Phil

My Psychic Predictions for 2019!

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

This is one of my favorite posts every year and in recent years seems to be a favorite of my readers and of people from all over the world. I don’t talk about it very often on my blog, but I fancy myself a soothsayer, a psychic if you will. Am I kidding? Sometimes, but not all the time, and over the years my ability to predict future events accurately has even surprised me. Enough about me, you want the goods don’t you? You want to know what the future holds right? Pull up a chair, open your mind and look into my crystal ball with me…

Aliens Attack in 2019! Yes, this is the year that half the world has been waiting for and the other half has been fearing. Planet Earth will finally have the proof that so many have been searching for confirming that there is other intelligent life in the universe. In a possibly related note, when the alien ships disappear, so will Queen Elizabeth. Oddly, a strange blue light will fill the sky over London on the night the UFO’s disappear and the Queen allegedly dies. England will report that she passed away and they will hold a magnificent funeral with a suspiciously closed casket.

2019 is The Year of The Fin, or is it Finn? Everywhere you look in 2019 you will see a Fin, or maybe a Finn. Ian Ziering played Fin Shepard on the SyFy networks Sharknado series. Finn Wolfhard played Mike Wheeler on the popular Netflix series Stranger Things. My prediction is that 2019 will be The Year of  The Fin(n) without either starring in a shark related project. I predict that you won’t be able to turn on your television without seeing one of the Fin(n)s. Unfortunately, their breakout success will lead to a new psychiatric malady called Fin(n) Fatigue for which I will be the only professionally licensed therapist. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Jump into those fin(n) infested waters at your own risk.

In 2019 the World will…not end A lot of psychics like to make headlines by predicting the end of the world. Not me. I’m going out on a limb and predicting that the world will still be here in a year. In 2009 I made my first Earth saving prediction and it was borne true in December of 2012. Remember when everybody believed that because the ancient Mayan calendar ended in December 2012 that the world would end then? Read this post I wrote in 2009 and scheduled to post in 2012. I’m feeling just as solid about 2019. I can’t make any guarantees for you personally, but this big ball of dirt will still be in orbit around the sun.

Pic courtesy of Daily Kos

The American Presidency: Yes in my minds eye I see turmoil unlike we’ve ever seen at The White House, but I am unsure if we will see a scene such as the one portrayed in the picture above. Mostly because they’ll have a hard time finding handcuffs small enough to hold his tiny hands together. Maybe these will work:

Thank you Stephen Colbert

The surprise in this is not that Trump will face legal charges, but so will his daughter Ivanka, her husband Jared Kushner, and wife Melania, who although she is allegedly Slovenian, turns out to be a Russian spy who has been controlling Donald Trump since they met.

express.co.uk

Will Brexit Exit? And What About Theresa May’s Love Life? I’m bringing back an old prediction because it looks like it will be coming true, just not in the exact time frame that I foresaw. In December of 2016 I predicted that Britain would try to reverse course and not leave the European Union. In that prediction that you can read HERE I predicted the reversal of Brexit plans and I also predicted the hashtag #UnBrexit. Feel free to go check Twitter for that, it’s there. The oddity about this prediction is that the Brexit drama will end Theresa May’s reign as Prime Minister. She will be an outcast in her own country and will move to the United States, write love letters to imprisoned Donald Trump, and eventually begin a relationship, with conjugal visits, that will end in marriage. Sorry about that conjugal visit image that’s now stuck in your head. If it’s in my head, I want it in your head.

Whew! I’m exhausted from all that mind-bending peering into the future. I hope you enjoyed it and now you can make your plans for 2019. If you found this to be humorous and awe-inspiring feel free to share to social media using the buttons below. Have a very Happy New Years celebration tomorrow! ~Psychic Phil

Were My Psychic Predictions for 2018 Right? Let’s see!

Every year I post my psychic predictions for the following year. Some I get right and others I don’t. This is the case with every psychic in the world, but of course all the other psychics don’t post a scorecard at the end of the year like I do. I’m sensing a mass of cowardice from the other psychics as The Phil Factor steamrolls them with my integrity. Two years ago I predicted Kate Middleton’s third pregnancy a full 6 months before it happened. (I swear I didn’t have anything to do with it)  I also predicted Prince Harry’s engagement, although I didn’t quite get the victim  bride correct. Let’s see how I did on my 2018 predictions:

Prediction 1: 

I predicted that the Royal wedding and royal birth would take place on the same day due to the Queen mums dire illness. Sadly, the Queen is still OK and the wedding went off without a hitch. (heavy sigh) I’m starting to think that Queen Elizabeth is an alien. Stay tuned on tomorrow for my 2019 psychic predictions…

Prediction 2:

This is not me, but I’m considering the hairdo

I predicted that I would interview famous hairdo psychic Gary Spivey for my blog. This being wrong is not my fault. I foresaw this event accurately, but it seems that brillo-headed Gary Spivey did not see this coming and was unable to attend the interview due to a “scheduling conflict.” That sounds a little questionable, don’t you think? I think he was intentionally trying to ruin my prediction because he fears that my burgeoning predictive prowess might eclipse his gifts. And I have better hair.

Prediction 3:

nytimes.com

This was the scene in New York City Thursday night after an alleged massive “transformer explosion” lit the sky blue for about 20 minutes. A lot of people were tweeting about an alien invasion, but not me. I was worried that contrary to my prediction, the world was ending. When I woke up Friday morning and the world was still here intact, just as I predicted it would be last year, I made my coffee and felt a little more smug than usual. Nailed it. Psychic Phil strikes again.

Prediction 4:

I predicted that Donald Trump would resign from the American Presidency by the end of 2018. We still have a couple days to go, but I’m going roll this one over into 2019. I’m not sure if this is a psychic vibe or just wishful thinking. Speaking of Presidential…

Prediction 5:

NewSonia

I predicted that Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson would announce a run for the United States Senate in January of 2018.  Dwayne Johnson did not announce a Senate run last January, but… according to Entertainment Tonight, in response to rumors that he was considering a Presidential run in 2020, he “confirmed in April that he had taken the next step, and was actively taking meetings to “understand more” about the job. ” I’m going to call that a partial victory for my psychic noggin. I had the political vibe right but I aimed too low.

If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does become President I think that means that he has to abdicate his 2016 title as Sexiest Man Alive and that years title would then be bestowed upon the number 2 in the voting, yours truly, Phil “The Factor” Taylor. So, his political career is a win-win for both of us. Go Rock Go!

Or maybe I should run…

That’s The White House behind me   #Phil2020

Prediction 6: 

I predicted that the Church of Scientology would dissolve under the weight of financial fraud and that Tom Cruise (born in the same hospital as me) would start his own new religion with this as his theme song: “Just put those old religions on the shelf. I’ll make a new one myself. Today’s Gods ain’t got the same soul. Just follow me, I’m as dumb as a troll.” Sadly, this one has yet to come true, but how much fun would it be if it did?

I’ll fess up here. It looks like I got about 1.5 out of 6 correct, giving me a 25% hit rate, which isn’t bad, but it’s not as good as usual.  Don’t forget though, just because they didn’t happen this year doesn’t mean that the others aren’t going to happen at another time. When I’m looking into the future, time can be a slippery thing.

Come back tomorrow for what is usually my most popular post of the year,  My Psychic Predictions for 2019. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! My Text Fight With Donald Trump

(December 17, 2016) Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C) Alerts issued by the President.

Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:

images-6

and also tweeted:

02716adb937681c19d6359019618c3b7%2f565x0xwidth%2f75%2fhttp%2fblog-uloop-com%2fuloop%2fr305%2fjpg%2fwp-content%2fuploads%2f2015%2f11%2fdonald-trump-better-5-450x237

Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:

(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)

From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.

Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?

From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.

donald-trump-ff893430-d91c-4eab-a271-ebbb259dbac9

Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?

From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!

Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?

melania-trump-refused-to-make-joint-tv-appearance-with-donald-after-video-leak-report-5754

From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.

Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.

Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?

From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.

Phil: The country of North America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be ours so we can be bigger than Russia & China.

Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?

From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉

Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

My Amazon Book Giveaway!

Yes, I know that you’re saying to yourself, “What?!!? A chance to win Phil’s incredible, hilarious, unique time travel mystery to read on my Kindle? Hell yeah I’m all over that!”  First of all, isn’t that “hell yeah” just a bit too salty for the holiday? Hell no it’s not! I have an effing giveaway on Amazon! It’s a random chance giveaway and 10 lucky winners will get a FREE copy of my book! Here’s the link: BOOK GIVEAWAY

Thanks a lot! I hope you win! ~Phil