Tag Archives: sarcasm

The Top Ten Alcohol Inspired Baby Names!

I got the idea for this because I heard that a pregnant woman was on Facebook asking friends for suggestions for her baby’s name. She was leaning towards Jameson because that’s the whiskey she was drinking when the baby was conceived. Well, probably not right at the moment the baby was conceived, but possibly.

Jack Daniels: How many boys do you think are already named Jack Daniel? In Tennessee, probably too many.

Captain Morgan: Good rum, bad name

Beefeater: A very descriptive first name that would be ironic for a British vegetarian.

Fireball: Sounds like a great name for a red head or a track star. Or a red-headed track star.

Hornitos: The Spanish word for horny. How perfect is that? I’m pretty sure that this child’s parents were Hornitos.

Wild Turkey: Let’s be honest, this describes most boys until about the age of 30.

Kahlua & Cream: An ideal name for a set of twins

White Russian: An perfect name for a Donald Trump supporter

Bloody Mary: Not very flattering

Menage a Trois: Especially appropriate if she was having a threesome.

Yes, on that last one, I don’t know how to do the accent marks on my keyboard and wasn’t interested in finding out. If I move to Spain or France, I suppose I’ll have to figure that out. If you’ve got some funny ideas for other alcohol related baby names, please add them in the comments. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

TBT! I Think I’m Allergic To Allergies (Caution: This Post May Contain Gluten & Nuts)

(Aug. 29, 2015) Why is everyone allergic to everything? And why hasn’t modern medicine fixed these allergies? When I was a kid everything was made of gluten and nuts. The tags on our clothes said, “This clothing contains gluten and nuts. Every kind of nuts. There’s too many to count. Anyway if you get hives or can’t breathe, it’s purely coincidental. Suck it up and develop some immunity buttercup. Wash in warm water. Tumble dry on low.”  We even had toy guns that shot gluten and nuts. Now, everyone is either so allergic or so paranoid that you’d be on a National Security Agency list if you walked into an airport with a back pack full of gluten. Schools practically go into a full lock down if you walk in with a peanut.

And what is it with you fragrance allergic people? Where did you come from? When I was a kid we just smelled stuff and nobody broke out in hives. How about if you don’t like a smell you could just plug your nose so the rest of your office doesn’t have to go without deodorant. What ever happened to the concept of majority rules? Now we’ve become so politically correct that anytime one single little thing bothers one person, anyone within a ten block radius has to give up whatever the hell it is that patient zero is “sensitive” to.

I love this kid.

I love this kid.

That’s the worst when it isn’t even a real allergy and it’s only just a “sensitivity” to something. What’s that? You have a sensitivity to something? Do you break down crying when it’s around? It sounds like you have permanent PMS about one particular thing. (Sorry ladies, I know the struggle is real. Trust me, I know.)

Guess what? I’m mildly blue/green colorblind. Should I ask my company not to create any charts, graphs or marketing pieces in the colors of green and blue? No. Of course not! I suck it up and figure it out. I’d also like you gluten free people to try that. I don’t care if you’re allergic to gluten. Just shut up and eat food without gluten. Why does it have to be a big production? Why do the rest of us have to hear about it at every single frickin’ meal we eat with you? I’m lactose intolerant. Guess what? I don’t drink milk! You know what else? I let everyone around me drink all the milk they want.

GlutenAllergy-Graphic

How about if there were gluten free and nut free businesses? Hypo-allergenic schools? How great would that be? All the nut free/gluten free people could go to school and work and restaurants that they know are safe for them. Let’s throw the fragrance free nuts in there too. The rest of us could go about our lives enjoying gluten, nuts and smells anywhere we want. I’m not going to go so far as to suggest that the allergy crowd not reproduce, but I would like to see a law saying that they can’t reproduce with other allergy people. If the allergy folks reproduced with normal people eventually their mutant recessive allergy genes would be eliminated from the gene pool and in the future there would be no more problems with weird allergies! I’m a genius, right?

Ok, this was completely tongue in cheek. Yes, I realize it was completely insensitive. Yes, I know people have died from allergic reactions. Guess what though? We also need to be less sensitive about jokes. If everyone gets offended by everything and the comedians clean up their acts so as not to offend anyone, then comedy wouldn’t be fun. Remember the massacre at the headquarters of the French comedy magazine in January? Those shooters were  people that couldn’t take a joke.  If you are gluten or nut free I hope you can laugh at yourself a little and not show up at my house with guns. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Who Is The New host of Jeopardy, Alex?

This was originally from March 2013 when nobody was reading me. This post is relevant because 107 year old Jeopardy host Alex Trebek announced this week that he would retire in 2020. I’ll believe it when I see it Alex. You’ve teased me like this before. Also, read down to the last paragraph to see who was Alex’s supposed replacement in 2013. Very interesting….

trebek

Don’t know what I was thinkin’ of
I guess I just wasn’t too bright
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on The Price Is Right, -ight, -ight
I lost on Jeopardy, baby (oooh)  ~ Weird Al Yankovic

The answer is Phil Taylor for $500. After all these years my dream job is finally available! Rumor is that if Alex Trebek lives long enough to complete the 2014-2015 season he will finally retire. From blogger to Jeopardy host! My ascension to the throne is near. Admit it; if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, once Alex shaved off his porn mustache he completely lost his game show host mojo. That is not a mistake I will make. I am in fact working on a handlebar mustache as we speak.

What is jumping to conclusions Alex? Not so fast my little pretty.  I’m not going to be happy just hosting Jeopardy! I’m going to revamp and revitalize that tired old game show to return it to its rightful place as an American institution as respected as the Presidency itself. How am I going to do that you ask? Please state your answer in the form of a question. What is, introducing new categories Alex? For a while Jeopardy was fun, but eventually the common man (me) got tired of Alex and all the smug little contestants and their snooty little answers to Potent Potables and Potpourri.

Categories I would introduce would include Beer Pong Rules, Lindsay Lohan arrests, and Crazy Celebrity Quotes. Oddly,  the correct answer to every question in all three categories is “Who is Alec Baldwin?”. The Visual Daily Double will be Name that Roadkill. Which brings me to the next change I would make to the show.

Enough with the “I’m sorry; the answer must be in the form of a question.” If it’s in the form of a question, it’s not an answer, it’s a question! That idea had to be some weird Canadian voodoo Alex brought across the border from our neighbors to the North. On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! if you get an answer right I don’t care how you say it, as long as you don’t say it in Canadian. I can’t believe Alex Trebek didn’t get punched in the face more often over this rule.

On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! there will also be no more High School Week or College Week either. All of us grown adults who have navigated the universe successfully enough to get where we are do not need any snot nosed little punks acting all superior because they know a word that rhymes with orange.

Right now the talk is that Matt Lauer has the inside track on the job. Puh-leeze! His popularity is receding faster than his hairline. If you’d like to support my bid for Jeopardy! host, after Alex retires or is the victim of an unfortunate accident, you can follow me on Facebook or try my humorous murder mystery novel, White Picket Prisons, available for just $2.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iTunes.  I also want to say a quick welcome to all those who came to The Phil Factor from Candy’s Raves after reading my guest post this week.

Stupid Things I Read This Week

Tom Cruise is seven years older than Wilford Brimley was when he played a grandfather in Cocoon in 1985. There’s two things that tells me; 1) Scientology and Just For Men hair dye are preserving Tom Cruise like a canned ham. You know how some crazy, rich celebrities and athletes sleep in an oxygen chamber to stay young? I’m certain that Tom Cruise sleeps in an a float therapy tank full of potassium sorbate 2) Wilford Brimley was born 50 years old. Look at that mustache. It would take me 50 years to grow one like that. Also, is Wilford Brimley not the oldest name in the history of names? I’m pretty sure that Wilford was one of the apostles. (Fun fact: Me and Tom Cruise were born in the same hospital)

A Lake In Mars? Who Cares!

This is another news story that gets “scientists” excited but does the rest of the world no good. Apparently “scientists” have discovered there may be an underground lake in Mars. How does this help us? The idea of water on Mars allegedly may be indicative that there once was or is some form of life. As I learned from Star Trek, just because our version of life needs water to survive, it doesn’t mean that life in the rest of the universe is exactly the same. And how many billions of dollars did it cost “scientists” to find this ridiculous Mars lake? How about using those billions of dollars to fix problems on Earth, where we live? I bet if you took the money it took to find the Mars lake and used it to put every terrorist into an apartment with a Netflix subscription there would be no more terror attacks. Or you could use the money to pay off at least 60% of the women Donald Trump has had affairs with. Hey “scientists” if you want me to stop calling you “scientists” in quotes, then do something really useful.

Hot Cheetos on the Hot Seat

This was the headline I saw earlier this week: Teen Had To Have Gallbladder Removed, Hot Cheetos May Be To Blame : A 17 year old from Tennessee…  She was eating four bags a day of Hot Cheetos. She was bringing bags to school. WTF? How about parents? Did she have any of those? The headline should say Parents Let Child Eat Herself Into Surgery! And obviously the teen was not a rocket scientist. But she’s obviously smart enough to be a “scientist.” Hey, maybe she should drink some of that Mars water to offset the hot cheetos.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Throwback Thursday! It’s A Bieber World After All

(july 26, 2014) Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber!  Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber.  And why wouldn’t you be?

BieberWheelchairPhil

The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball.  So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.

When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video

Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train
And I’m feeling jaded and mean.
Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained,
And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”,
I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues.
Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew. Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze,
Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now.
And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun,
Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize.  The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video  like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Thursday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil

Canada Has a Day?

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends out there. For those of you wondering, Canada Day is a celebration of the founding of Tim Hortons. Or it might also be a celebration of the enactment of the Canadian constitution which united the three colonies of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada into a single entity still owned by Britain.

As an American, I feel like I have to point out that it seem’s like Canada is trying to steal our thunder by placing their holiday just before ours. And they weren’t even declaring independence. They are just celebrating that someone erased and drew some new lines on the map. They we’re still the British empires b#@ch. And they were happy about it. Or should I say aboot it?

Now our celebration, Independence Day, is a reason to celebrate. WE broke away from the British Empire to form our own country. That’s something to be proud of. Canada, I think you were just creating a holiday so you get an extra day off in the summer. But, through blogging, I have virtually met many Canadians and they could not be nicer. As a Canada Day gift to my to Canadian friends, and everyone else, the following links are to my favorite Canada posts over the last 13 years of #ThePhilFactor:

Oh Canada!  May 1, 2006

Oh Canada! I’m Lovin’ It  January 9, 2007

Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion May 11, 2013

Canada: Elaborate Winter Them Park of Dangerous Adversary? Oct. 18, 2014

Canada’s Secret Foot Fetish June 24, 2017

So there you have it. All of those an ode to my love of Canada. Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends and as it is with St. Patrick’s Day, we are all a little Canadian today, aren’t we? Think of all the great things Canada has given us: Justin Bieber, Alex Trebek, and hockey in Las Vegas. Have a great Sunday!  ~Phil

 

If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner…

mirror.co.uk

Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.

Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:

Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.

Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.

The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time,
but I’m here to tell you there’s something else” 

And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s GoBOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?

enprothomalo.com

The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.

The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.

I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)