The rising cost of gas got me to thinking. That’s right; if gas prices had stayed stable I’d still be sitting here with an empty head. With gasoline, or petrol for all my international friends, costing more per gallon than human blood I started thinking that I should look at ways to save a little money every day. No, I didn’t actually price a gallon of human blood, but if I could get away with trading a gallon of my blood for gasoline I might do it.
What always amazes me is how many people pay ridiculous amounts of money for things you can get for free. For instance, when I go to work I see many co-workers carrying store bought bottles of this cool, clear liquid they seem to like drinking. I got curious about this phenomenon, so I did some research. What I discovered is that my kitchen and bathrooms all have this sort of long, narrow thing that sticks out of a counter-top usually right over a sink. When I turn the handle next to it, what looks like the same cool, clear liquid comes rushing out of it. Yeah, I get a bill for it, but that’s almost a negligible amount. Furthermore, what I also discovered is that the same clear liquid that is also available free from the faucets and water fountains in our building. This is where I’m especially shrewd. I bring an empty container to work, fill it up with the free liquid they have there, and here’s the clever part, I drink it. All day long. For free.
I have two female co-workers who have told me about this place they go where they pay money to lay down in what sounds like a combination of an extremely well lit coffin and a microwave oven until their skin turns brown. They seem to like the idea of cooking their skin. Who wouldn’t? Doesn’t hamburger, chicken, or any other meat look better cooked? This past weekend I was outdoors quite a bit and I discovered that that big, yellow-orange glowy thing up in the sky does the same thing to my skin, for free! Man, have I got a sweet deal. I’m not telling anyone about this, or they might start charging me money to use it.
I’ve always wanted to take up smoking. I’ve always been envious of the cool, aloof attitude smokers portray as they exhale smoke. And damn, if I could blow a smoke ring the chicks would totally dig me. With that refreshing smell clinging to my hair, skin, breath, and clothes I’d never need cologne again! I set a New Year’s resolution to start smoking this year, but with all my disposable income going to fuel my car, I just don’t have the extra money to buy cigarettes. What to do? I’ve found my answer. I’m going to be a second-hand smoker. It has all the benefits of smoking at a fraction of the price! Smokers seem to exhale an awful lot of the smoke they take in. If they’re not going to use it all, why shouldn’t I use the extra? During my lunch and break times at work I can join the smokers as they stand outside. Just a few deep breaths in close proximity and Voila! I’ll have myself a cool, new habit. For free! If I happen to get hooked on second-hand smoking and want to quit later on I’ll just find a smoker who is quitting and I’ll chew their Nicorette gum after they’re done with it.