You Get What You Pay For

The rising cost of gas got me to thinking. That’s right; if gas prices had stayed stable I’d still be sitting here with an empty head. With gasoline, or petrol for all my international friends, costing more per gallon than human blood I started thinking that I should look at ways to save a little money every day. No, I didn’t actually price a gallon of human blood, but if I could get away with trading a gallon of my blood for gasoline I might do it.

What always amazes me is how many people pay ridiculous amounts of money for things you can get for free. For instance, when I go to work I see many co-workers carrying store bought bottles of this cool, clear liquid they seem to like drinking. I got curious about this phenomenon, so I did some research. What I discovered is that my kitchen and bathrooms all have this sort of long, narrow thing that sticks out of a counter-top usually right over a sink. When I turn the handle next to it, what looks like the same cool, clear liquid comes rushing out of it. Yeah, I get a bill for it, but that’s almost a negligible amount. Furthermore, what I also discovered is that the same clear liquid that is also available free from the faucets and water fountains in our building. This is where I’m especially shrewd. I bring an empty container to work, fill it up with the free liquid they have there, and here’s the clever part, I drink it. All day long. For free.

I have two female co-workers who have told me about this place they go where they pay money to lay down in what sounds like a combination of an extremely well lit coffin and a microwave oven until their skin turns brown. They seem to like the idea of cooking their skin. Who wouldn’t? Doesn’t hamburger, chicken, or any other meat look better cooked? This past weekend I was outdoors quite a bit and I discovered that that big, yellow-orange glowy thing up in the sky does the same thing to my skin, for free! Man, have I got a sweet deal. I’m not telling anyone about this, or they might start charging me money to use it.

I’ve always wanted to take up smoking. I’ve always been envious of the cool, aloof attitude smokers portray as they exhale smoke. And damn, if I could blow a smoke ring the chicks would totally dig me. With that refreshing smell clinging to my hair, skin, breath, and clothes I’d never need cologne again! I set a New Year’s resolution to start smoking this year, but with all my disposable income going to fuel my car, I just don’t have the extra money to buy cigarettes. What to do? I’ve found my answer. I’m going to be a second-hand smoker. It has all the benefits of smoking at a fraction of the price! Smokers seem to exhale an awful lot of the smoke they take in. If they’re not going to use it all, why shouldn’t I use the extra? During my lunch and break times at work I can join the smokers as they stand outside. Just a few deep breaths in close proximity and Voila! I’ll have myself a cool, new habit. For free! If I happen to get hooked on second-hand smoking and want to quit later on I’ll just find a smoker who is quitting and I’ll chew their Nicorette gum after they’re done with it.

23 responses to “You Get What You Pay For

  1. very funny! facetiousness becomes you 🙂ewwww @ used nicorette gum though, just ewww!

  2. Sunny,I figured that if I was a second hand smoker I’d cure it with second hand gum!

  3. LOL @ used gum..omg Phil, you’ve sunk to a new low LOL!

  4. HI phil!!!again I love the topics you pick. At work just this week there was a “sale” on 24 bottles of water…..I had pretty much the same reaction… Why are people so hooked on buying water! My grandmother would be shaking her head over this for sure.I do a similar thing I have drink bottle I take to work every day I walk over to this cool thing called a water fountain( the same kind they had in schools when I was a kid) it gives out amazingly clean, crisp cold water and I fill my bottle up.As for gas prices, the local gas station just off a major 4 lane through way decided to drop its price at rush hour traffic time to about 99.8 cents a litre. You can just imagine how many almost accidents that caused..people lose their thinking caps when this happens..I am sorry I would like the price to go down too but it is not worth the car repair costs after you hit someone trying to save 5 bucks.

  5. Thanks for the tips on saving money, Phil. Your writing really cracks me up.

  6. i used that big, yellow-orange glowy thing up in the sky today while i took a nap – talk about mulit-tasking AND saving money… AT THE SAME TIME!!!although there ARE times that i am actually afraid of what comes out of the taps in my town………

  7. You know, I had this friend who bought some Nicorette a while back, and it was when it first came out so I was big on reading the directions.We leave the drug store, and I pull the directions out of the box, and hes about to pop a piece into his mouth. I tell him that I dont think its like regular gum, *I learned that you chew, chew, and then leave it in your cheek*His response? “Whatever, I know how to fucking chew gum”. Pops it in his mouth, and this is honsetly what happened.Chew, Chew, Chew, Chew, Chew, Faint.

  8. Eeewww, Phil, second hand gum *shudder*.I agree on the water thing, though. It’s bizarre how much people pay for the stuff !!Hope you have a great week.Take care, Meow

  9. Ewwwww on the gum.Smartypants! LOL

  10. My motto has always been “why pay for skin cancer when you can get it free in your back yard?”Did you know that water fountains are “unsanitary.” Yeah, that’s apparently what they say in WI so I was SOL when I was there for a weekend. Had to try to fill the water bottle up w/ warm tap water in a sink that wasn’t deep enough for the bottle.

  11. Thanks for the laugh as always 🙂 You crack me up. Eww on the gum. Really! Although if you need gum, my students keep leaving theirs under their desks so I can scrape some off for you 🙂 No nicotine in the student gum though (I hope).

  12. Michelle- are you saying that’s the lowest I’ve sunk so far? Apparently I’m not trying hard enough.Quinn- I think 99.8 cents per litre is still cheaper than we have it down here. Can I trade you some blood?Thanks Ego. Question Girl- You are a smart girl! I’m still not convinced that all bottled water isn’t just coming out of a tap at the factory anyway.

  13. Princess- That’s funny. I’ll read the directions next time! Well, unless they’re written in Canadian. Then I’ll need a translation.Meow- Second hand smoke, second hand gum. Why not?Attila- Thank you. My pants are smart.Travelin pt.- Absolutely. Skin cancer, lung cancer. Why waste good money when you can get it free?dzeni- I’ll send you my address and you can package up all the spare gum and send it my way.

  14. Ummm…I guess it’s all about choices, isn’t it?-N

  15. And, do you know that recycling bins offer an absolute goldmine in discarded, yet originally costly discarded glossy magazines; general interest, men’s, women’s, clean, dirty, kids’, they all can be found and they’re utterly free! Just a bit dated. Very funny stuff, as usual, Phil.Ian

  16. phil, that was a “sale” price here , we are hitting on a regular basis between $1.09 up to $1.11 per litre.oh and you must remember this is in canadian dollars.

  17. have you ever paid for air? most of our gas stations have an “air” machine that you can use for $.50. to my surprise i found one the other day that said “free air”. who would have ever thought?

  18. CCOOOOOCCCOOOO…it’s me passing through, how the heck are yah?anyway enough with the tear jerker stuff. out here where I am in the boonies(QUEBEC) THE GAS IS AT 117.4PER LITRE…at this rate I’m about to walk to work…

  19. Well ya..of course you’ll need a translation. We dont speak “Ebonics” here, our instructions are written in english.

  20. hahahaha – that is funny Though being that I am one of THOSE girls I will explain bottled cool clear liquid tastes better than tap. Tap has too many minerals in it and is not filtered 🙂 Tanning beds when done correctly can give you a base so when you go to the beach you don’t burn. I tan in a bed about four times before summer starts for about 5 minutes each so I dont fry myself 🙂 Then again – I am weird

  21. Natalia- Just like everything in life. It’s all about choices. Derr.Ian- Ummm…yeah, I guess you’re right, used gum is one thing, but going through my neighbors trash is another.d.- Yes, I’ve paid for air. Without that little machine I find it very difficult to inflate my car tires by mouth.Fancy Face- Aaaaah! More Canadian talk! Litres and Canadian money! Rachel- Of course that’s the way all those tanners rationalize it. You can get a base tan outdoors without burning too as long as you don’t fall aslep. Of course if you’re in Canada there’s only about 5 minutes of sunshine a year up there.

  22. LOL!!Phil.You are crazy.Funny.But crazy.

  23. 1. If you see me with an expensive store-bought container of clear liquid… It’s probably vodka.2. Three words. No. Tan. Lines.3. That’s just silly.The best way I have saved money is stealing cable. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just had the cable when I moved in and didn’t tell anyone. *evil cackle*

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