Category Archives: Humor

Time to Lie, on #LisaBurtonRadio

A few years ago I did an interview with Craig Boyack who has really creative interview format. If you want to learn a little bit more about the first book in the Landon Bridges story, give it a read.

Entertaining Stories

Lisa Burton

Hey there all you time bandits and meddlers of history. Welcome all of you young people trying to find a place in the modern world. You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you characters from the books you love.

I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my special guest today is Landon Bridges. He’s a college student who thinks he may have stumbled upon something that will unlock the secret of time travel. “Welcome to the show, Landon.”

“Hello Lisa! Thanks for having me.”

“Okay Landon, Let’s get into the science of this thing. How is time travel actually going to work?”

“Here’s the thing Lisa, hold on to your hat, everyone can time travel. My theory, and I believe this to be accurate, is that because the brain is both a biochemical and electrical machine, all neural activity results in electrical signals that are…

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6 Questions with Brady Bunch/TMNT/Sharknado star Robbie Rist!

In honor of today’s last episode of Doc McStuffins, I give you Robbie Rist, the voice of Stuffy from my interview with him five years ago.

The Phil Factor

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For my readers who don’t know Robbie’s name off the top of your head, you no doubt have seen or heard him in something. Over the last forty years Robbie has been quietly woven into the fabric of American pop culture like few others. If you haven’t seen him in a movie or TV show, you’ve probably heard his voice as a cartoon character dating back to his work as Michelangelo for the 80’s cartoon and 1990 movie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or the Final Fantasy X video game or more recently as Stuffy for the Disney channel’s Doc McStuffins.  He’s also appeared in too many shows and movies for me to list here.  Even better though, he has an awesome rock band, The Ballzy Tommorow! What gave me the idea to contact him for the interview was when it occurred to me recently that he has been part…

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That’s Right, I’m a Baller

Do you know where the grass is always greener? I do, and I’m going to tell you.

Today could have been a day like any other, but it wasn’t. I woke up, fell out of bed and dragged a comb across my head. Then I slathered some SPF 100 on my face and I looked in the mirror and said to myself, this is it. This is the day. The day that I mow my new lawn for the first time. This is the fifth house that I’ve lived in since I began The Phil Factor fifteen years ago and I anticipate that this will be the last one. Then again, I thought the same thing a year ago, so we’ll see. I like to stay one step ahead of the law.

It’s not that I love mowing the lawn. It’s just a chore like any other, but I do like my lawn to look good. What made today important was that it was to be the first mowing of the year for my new lawn. It’s spring in the northeastern United States and lawns don’t get mowed much earlier than this because of the weather. It literally snowed here yesterday, but today the sun was shining. Because of the coronavirus I may not be able to get a trim on the hair on my head, (what do you think? Should I go man-bun?) but I’ll be damned if my lawn is going to look shaggy.

At 8:30 I pulled on a pair of badass plaid cargo shorts and my favorite baseball cap. “Phil, isn’t 8:30 a little early to cut your lawn. Won’t it disturb the neighbors who might be sleeping in? you may be thinking to yourself. Yes, 8:30 is a little early to start mowing your lawn, but that’s the point. It is, as my kids would say, “a baller move.”  I want everyone in the neighborhood to look out their front windows thinking, who the feck is out cutting their lawn today? And at fecking 8:30?  Apparently when I’m a baller I imagine that my neighbors are Irish and they like to swear

As I stood in my garage poised to push my lawn mower and my baller-ness out into this strange new frontier of suburbia, I paused, took a deep breath and imagined the first few guitar riffs of the Scorpions Rock You Like a Hurricane, then I reached out and hit the garage door opener as the vocals start,

It’s early morning, the sun comes out
Last night was shaking and pretty loud
My cat is purring, it scratches my skin
So what is wrong with another sin?

Then in my mind I skip the next verse and go straight to…

Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane
Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane

And with that chorus ringing in my mind I pushed my lawnmower out in to the sun and fired it up. Because I’m a baller.

Me cutting my lawn today was the equivalent to a fighter throwing the first punch. All the other suburbanites had been waiting. Of course nobody wants to cut their lawn, and if everyone else’s lawn looks a little overgrown, it’s OK if yours does too. So being new to the neighborhood, I threw down the gauntlet, because I’m a baller.  I imagined that all over the neighborhood wives were suddenly saying to their husbands, “Honey, the new guy is cutting his lawn. Ours is kind of long. Why don’t you go out and cut ours today?”  I don’t care that I pissed off every other guy in the neighborhood and ruined their Saturday. You know why? Because I’m a baller. I’m now the mother fecking alpha dog of this cul-de-sac. That’s right mo fo’s, because, say it with me, I’m a baller.

 

Two things: first, thank you to the Scorpions for my use of their song, which is also my ringtone, and secondly, when some lawn mower company steals my ‘leaving the garage with the mower scene set to Rock You Like a Hurricane‘ idea, prepare to be sued for copyright infringement. You know why? Because I’m a baller, and the grass is always greener in my yard. You know what would be a total baller move by you right now? Clicking the Facebook or Twitter share button below. That would be baller A F.

Have a great Easter and a great Passover or just have a great day, because you’re a baller!~Phil

#PHIL2020

#baller

Happy Blogiversary To Me

Yes, on this very day, at this exact time, on April 3rd in 2005, I put my writing legs up in the stirrups, leaned back and gave birth to The Phil Factor. Yes, the image I just described was meant to make you cringe a little.  And yes, I know that over the past year I haven’t blogged more than once a month. I’ve had a lot of real life going on in my life and I’ve discovered that for me writing is an emotional journey and if I’m distracted I’m not a good writer. I’m starting to feel a bit more settled as all the changes in my life have become the norm for me. So, as I traditionally do, I will copy and paste my very first blog post so that if you missed it, you can enjoy it as if you’re watching a re-run from an old show.

What Up Dawg?

Is it just me or is everyone sick of Randy Jackson’s act on American Idol? How many times can we hear, “What up dawg?” Or his other favorite, “It was a little pitchy in spots,” or “It was just ahh ight for me.” The dude is like one of those action figures where you squeeze him and he has three pre-programmed phrases he rotates through. Nearly as bad is Paula Abdul. Has anyone else noticed that this season she seems drunk every week? She loves everyone this season and seems to find an excuse to physically grab Simon Cowell every week. Considering her recent charge of leaving the scene of an accident after she clipped another car on the freeway, how ironic is it that her big 1988 hit song, Straight Up, included the line “caught in a hit and run”?

That’s how I introduced myself to the blogging world and I was rewarded with ZERO comments or likes. Also, I’d like to give a shout out to my longtime blogging friend Jennifer of Not Quite Perfect  ,and several other blogs, who has been blogging longer than me and is still at it. Visit her site and give her a like or comment.

I do have two blog posts planned for the next week, so maybe like Spring I am feeling rejuvenated. And of course I’m sure you want to hear my thoughts on the Coronavirus tragedy. Lastly, I want to say a sincere thank you to each and everyone of you that has visited, liked and commented on my blog for the last fifteen years. You have made my life immeasurably better. Have a great Friday!

~Phil

 

Muh-Muh-Muh My Corona (virus)!

What’s more surprising, the fact that I awoke from my hibernation to write a blog post, or that I’m going to make fun of a disease that could be the end of the human race? I say neither.

In fact, ancient soothsayer Nostradamus predicted both the disease and my blog writing resurrection when he said, “During the reign of the orange one a disease shall cull the human herd but will be cessaverunt by the oldest of bloggers. Well, he’s not the oldest, but he’s been doing it the longest. It’s Phil. I’m talking about Phil alright. What the f*ck is blogging? I have no idea. I just hear things in my head.” Shortly thereafter Nostradamus had his medication adjusted and he stopped mentioning me.

As a kid growing up, (yes I know that the ‘growing up’ part of this sentence is debatable) my way to cope with things that scared me, like scary movies and the fact that in the 1970’s there were no laws requiring parents to actually do any parenting, was to make fun of them until they go away. Buckle up buttercup, I think I’ve got a lot to say about this “Coronavirus” nonsense.

Let’s face it, if the Coronavirus can fell the mighty Tom Hanks, what hope is there for the rest of us? Well let me tell you, there’s a lot of hope and me and Tom Hanks will guide you through it. They say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m going to try to inoculate all of you. Take that any way you want ; ). Look at me using the old school emoji. How funny is that?  It’s funny, but not funny enough to kill the coronavirus, so I guess me and Tom better get to work.

One of my favorite stories that’s come out of the Coronavirus mania is the story of a bright, entrepreneurial teen in the United Kingdom, who was suspended from school for the day after selling “squirts” of hand sanitizer to his friends at Dixons Unity Academy in Leeds. Suspend him? Are you kidding? He should have been awarded an MBA degree and made the president of some company!

He only made about $11.00 American and when asked what he was going to do with his profits he said he bought a bag of Doritos – and plans to buy a kebab with the rest of his cash. OK, so maybe he’s not that bright.

That picture of empty store shelves is what the toilet paper/paper towel aisle looks like in every store in America. That’s crazy. Even if you get quarantined, how much pooping do you plan to do? I don’t recall any mention of explosive diarrhea being one of the symptoms of the Coronavirus and yet everyone is stocking up on toilet paper and paper towels as if they’re made of solid gold. And my assumption is that the paper towels are gone because people are worried about what they will use when they run out of toilet paper! Let’s say, hypothetically, that I become ill with the Coronavirus and my daily poop volume were to double. I’m sure I wouldn’t need forty rolls of toilet paper on hand. Again, I ask you, how much pooping do these people think they’re going to be doing?!!?

And for cripes sake, wouldn’t it be nice to watch five minutes of news without hearing the word “coronavirus”?!!? I’m tempted to knock off a liquor store naked while wearing a Trump mask just to give the local news something else to talk about.

That’s it for me today. Thanks again for stopping by #ThePhilFactor and I truly hope you and your family are well. Have a great weekend, unless you’re spending it all pooping. ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings

You know those chalky candy hearts that for the better part of a century have been shared on Valentine’s Day? They’re so cute with their little candy inscriptions of “I love you” or “Hugs” or other nonsense. I imagine though that there were some ideas that didn’t make it.

10. It’s not you, it’s me

9. Not a cold sore

8. Maybe Next Time

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7. Better late than never

6. It’s eczema. Yes, there.  I swear.

5. The Phil Factor

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4. My last test was clean

3. You paying for dinner?

2. Almost divorced

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1. It’s not yours!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! One of the things I’m in love with is comments. What are your funny ideas for rejected candy hearts sayings?

Have a great day, Valentine’s or otherwise! ~Phil

The 2020 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards yesterday just scroll down and read that first or click the link.

“Moving on to the big categories, it’s ladies first. Who wants to hear who the Best Actress is?”  There’s a round of polite applause throughout the room. “Really, that’s it? C’mon guys! Let’s hear it for the ladies!” This elicits hoots, hollers and applause. Joaquin Phoenix starts to hug Renee Zellweger a little too enthusiastically and spills his drink down her back. In the blink of an eye Gooby is on him and as I hit the garage door remote, Joaquin is dragged out screaming, “You can’t do this to me! I’m the Joker!”

“The jokes on you Joaquin,” I reply. The garage door lowers with Joaquin on the other side pounding his tiny little fists and sobbing. Of course, having done this for the previous six years, I’m unflappable. “The nominees are Cynthia Erivo, Scarlett Johansson, Saoirse Ronan, Charlize Theron, and Renee Zellweger. Some big names there along with some lesser known ladies. The winner of the 2020 Phillie Award for Best Actress is Cynthia Erivo because she’s won a Grammy and an Emmy, and having a Phillie would round out her set!”

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

“Next up is Best Actor! Since I wasn’t nominated again, yes, writing a blog is so acting. Shut up DiCaprio! How many views did your blog get this week? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m acting like a writer. That’s acting! Anywho, back to the awards.”

“I guess I’ll have to acknowledge that “Leo” (I did the finger quotes when I said it) earned a nod from the Academy. As did Adam Driver, Joaquin Phoenix, Antonio Banderas, and Jonathan Pryce. Obviously Joaquin has no chance because we had to drag his sorry ass out of here earlier. Adam Driver is eliminated because, well Adam, I hate to break it to you this way, but you look better in a big plastic space helmet than you did playing an actual person in that divorce movie.  So that narrows it down to Antonio Banderas and Jonathan Pryce. Jonathan, I don’t know who you are and… well, you’re asleep in your seat right now, the winner of the Phillie for the best actor is Antonio Banderas for his unappreciated work as the dad in the Spy Kids movies!” Antonio stands up, downs a shot of whiskey, throws the shot glass at the wall and strides cockily up to the podium. to collect his trophy.

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

Here’s the big one folks. Buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. The nominees for the Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture are …(I look down at the list)”Oh for cryin’ out loud! There’s nine friggin’ pictures nominated. Seriously! There were not nine movies last year that I’d spend my money on. And DiCaprio, you were in like six of them and Phoenix was in the rest! Drumroll please!…This time DiCaprio starts the drumroll on the back of the seat in front of him occupied by Charlize Theron. Then she picks it up followed by Laura Dern and one by one, everyone in the room begins the drum roll until the chanting begins, “Phillie! Phillie! Phillie!” It’s this way every year and I smile and wait a few moments until the half assed drumroll and chants start to subside.

They’re all drunk by now and if this announcement doesn’t go the right way, this room could explode. I fumble nervously  with the envelope. In the back I notice that appropriately enough, Margot Robbie is making out with Joaquin Phoenix who snuck back in past Gooby when he dozed off. Harley Quinn has again found her Joker. “Ahem…” I clear my throat to get their attention. “The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture goes to Avengers: Endgame!” They all look at each other silently and then look back up front to me. There’s a slow build of murmuring rumbling through the room. “But since no one from that movie is here, let’s start the after party!” They all leap from their seats happily shouting and clinking classes, drowning out the protests of Scarlett Johansson who is fighting her way through the crowd towards the front.

I grab the mic for the last time, I tap it a couple times and they quiet down. “And remember, what happens in the garage,” and they all join in shouting, “stays in the garage!

Thank you for attending my soiree and I’ll see you next year. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil