Category Archives: Humor

Unusual Things I’m Thankful For

Thanksgiving! It’s that holiday where we are supposed to appreciate family and ponder our thankfulness about stuff. Yes, that’s right, stuff. I know it and you know it; we all say the same damn thing every year at the dinner table when it’s our turn to say what we’re thankful for. And those things are good, valid things like having family together and having a roof over our heads. But who has a good laugh over those things? Am I right?

I propose that we start a new tradition. How about if we talk about the fun, ridiculous things that we’re thankful for? The world is far too serious on a daily basis lately. Let’s lighten up. It’s the holidays and we need to smile. How about I start first? I’ll tell you what some of the unusual things I’m thankful are, and then, if you’ve read this far, in the comments put one unusual thing you are thankful for.

The Internet: I’m thankful for the internet. Without it, I wouldn’t be writing words that people all over the world read. Growing up I had to make jokes and say things to people in person. Now, according to my blog stats, someone in Nepal can (and did) look up the Top Ten Amish Sex Positions anytime they want and I don’t have to walk all the way over to Nepal to make those jokes. That’s the beauty of the internet. Go on, click that link. You know you want to. (And it is sooo worth it)

Cable television and streaming services: Yes, maybe I’m forty years late on expressing gratitude for cable television, but it’s about time somebody did. When I was a kid, before cable television, there were four “over the air” television stations. Four!!! And one of them was PBS for cripes sake! Seriously, is PBS the weirdest channel? You watch it until you’re about four years old and then you outgrow the kid shows and then don’t tune in again until you’re 70. It’s either Elmo or documentaries about World War I. And until cable television existed, those four channels went of the air at 2:00 a.m.!  The national anthem would play over a video of the flag and then it went to static until 6:00 a.m. Thank you technology Gods for inventing 24 hours a day television!

Keurig Coffee Makers: Yes, I know you coffee purists decry Keurig as garbage coffee. I know it’s not the best and it’s not the worst, but it is the fastest. I love my coffee and I love it even more when I can have it in twenty seconds. If the inventor of the Keurig Coffee maker ever dies, I would like to speak at his funeral. (Ironically, in THIS ARTICLE he later expressed regret for inventing it.)

There you go. Those are my top three unusual things that I’m thankful for. What about you? What’s one unconventional thing that you’re thankful for? Please add it in the comments.

Lastly, I hope you’re reading this through the internet with a cup of Keurig made coffee warming your hand. Whether you’re from the States or not, I’m thankful for you reading my blog. You’ve made my day and I hope you have a thankful day wherever you are. ~Phil

The Ten Best Sitcom Thanksgiving Episodes of All Time!

Don’t we all love the holiday episodes of our favorite shows? If you’re not into football, then dial up Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime TV on Thursday and watch these ten laugh out loud episodes from the past that will entertain you all day long.  I’ve only included ones that I’ve seen, so if you can think of some others, say so in the comments! I apologize to my international readers that this list is American centric. If you can think of your favorite holiday episodes from your country, please put them in the comments so we can discover new shows!

10. Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans, Season 5, episode 9.

Everyone’s plans coincidentally fall through, as they only can on a sit-com, Carla hosts dinner for the gang and it ends in an epic food fight where we nearly get to see Norm’s wife, Vera. Find it on Amazon, Netflix and Hulu

9. The Office, WUPHF.com, season 7, episode 9.

Dwight hosts a fall festival in the parking lot so he can crown himself Hay King while Ryan tries to sell the office on his uber-connectivity app WUPHF.com. Find it on Netflix.

8. New Girl, season 4 episode 9, Bangsgiving

This episode features the gang staying home for Thanksgiving in their L.A. loft. As fate would have it, they all happen to be single at the time, so they set up a Secret Santa sort of arrangement where they draw names from a hat and they have to invite a Bangsgiving date for the person they picked. Hijinks ensue. Find it on Peacock.

7. South Park, season 4 episode 13, Hellen Keller! The Musical

I think that the title, Hellen Keller! The Musical says all you need to know about this. Find it on HBOMax.

6. That 70’s Show, season 1, episode 9, Thanksgiving

THAT ’70S SHOW

Eric gets hit on by his sister’s slutty friend and Donna is not happy about it. Eric’s mom Kitty is stressed about Red’s mom coming to dinner and they both forget to pick her up. Find it on Amazon Prime Video

5. Seinfeld, season 6, episode 8, The Mom and Pop store

Elaine helps her boss, Mr. Pitt, win a contest to pilot the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. His joy is short lived when Jerry drops an Empire State Building statue out of Tim Whatley’s window and punctures the Woody Woodpecker balloon. In this episode Jerry walks around in a new pair of slippery cowboy boots and George buys a LeBaron convertible that he believes belonged to actor Jon Voight. Find it on Netflix.

4. WKRP in Cincinnati, season 1 episode 7, Turkeys Away

Yes, this is definitely an oldie, but it’s definitely one of the funniest Thanksgiving episodes of any show I’ve ever seen. If you don’t know the WKRP in Cincinnati series, it’s definitely worth a watch, and this episode is laugh out loud funny. Find it on AppleTV and Amazon Prime.

3. Roseanne, season 4 episode 10, We Gather Together

The Connors always knew how to make great holiday episodes. Their Halloween episodes are legendary and their Thanksgivings aren’t far behind. Find it on Amazon Prime Video.

2. How I Met Your Mother, season 3 episode 9, Slapsgiving

Due to a bet from a previous season, Marshall won the right to slap Barney 5 times over the rest of their lifetimes. He decides that Thanksgiving, aka Slapsgiving, is just the right day after building the suspense for weeks. At the end actor Jason Segal plays the piano and sings a song about the slap.

1. Friends, The One with All the Thanksgivings, Season 5, Episode 8

This episode of course has Monica with the turkey on her head, but it’s also got a bunch of fun flashbacks from the gangs Thanksgivings as well as their distant past. Find it on Netflix.

That’s my Top Ten. If you’ve got some favorite Thanksgiving episodes from other shows, please put them in the comments ! I hope you’re having a great weekend! ~Phil

The Ten Best Holiday Specials of All Time!

If I didn’t get your favorite on the list, in the comments tell me what I’ve been missing!

Six years ago a network aired “It’s Your 50th Christmas Charlie Brown!” To be sure, the Peanuts Christmas special is a classic here in the States. What I’d like to see someone create is a special with all the Peanuts characters as 50 year olds. How weird would that be? Below are my choices for the Ten Best Holiday Specials of All Time. The Star Wars Holiday Special was mentioned in the comments a few times last year, but didn’t make the Top Ten only because I haven’t seen it. If you’re curious, it is on YouTube.  If you disagree with the list or have other choices please put them in the comments.

10. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Sure the idea of toast and popcorn sounds great, in theory. This is a good special but pales in comparison to The Peanut’s Halloween and Christmas specials.

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9. Frosty the Snowman: The best part of this special is the song. The acting is putrid and the plot is barely plausible. When this is on I’m rooting for a green Christmas.

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8. Little Drummer Boy: This is where the list starts to get good. Good song, good plot, great claymation and I think there are some talking animals. Plus, it all takes place in a desert where Frosty would never survive.

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6. Santa Clause is Comin’ To Town: Oh man! When I was a kid and the Winter Warlock first appeared I was terrified. I believe the phrase “chillin’ like a villain” was coined for him. Also a young Santa hooks up with a serious hottie of a wife.

5. It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown! 

This is a tough one to beat, but it’s hard to dethrone Christmas and Hanukkah.

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5. The Rugrats Chanukah Special: Technically it was an episode of the series, but all these years later I still remember it for actually explaining the meaning of Hanukkah to me better than any person ever had. It was entertaining and informative, just like The Phil Factor.

4. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Hey, I know you all love this one, but if The Peanuts get on the list twice they don’t get #1. The ice skating scene, the dancing scene, and Snoopy making the animal noises were all great. Lucy still should have punched Charlie Brown for bringing back that wretched tree.

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3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Romance, bromance, career conflict, monsters, The Island of Misfit Toys. This special had it all. Remember how scary it was when Yukon Cornelius rescued Rudolph and his family from Bumble the Abominable Snow Monster?

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2. Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas: Great song and great villian with a story of redemption. Who doesn’t love it when his heart grows and breaks the frame? My favorite scene is when his dog, Max, happily hops on the front of the sleigh expecting a ride.

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1. The Year Without a Santa Clause: This special didn’t need a Santa Claus. If you’ve got the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser in a sing off you win. I just wish one of them had done a mic drop. Hands down the best songs ever in a holiday special of any kind. Here’s the video of both songs. (please pardon the commercial at the start). Enjoy!

So which ones of those would you rank higher? Did I miss your favorite? Please tell me in the comments! Have a great day! ~Phil

 

Sexiest Man Alive: Paul Rudd?!!? Puh-leeze!

What does Paul Rudd have that I don’t have? I mean BESIDES a successful movie career? See the two pictures below this paragraph? If you Google The Phil Factor Sexiest Man Alive those pictures are two of the first four pictures that come up. Go ahead, I’ll wait…or you could just click this Google to see the search results. Paul Rudd doesn’t even show up until the second row!

Just because he’s famous doesn’t mean that he’s sexier than me. Think about this; part of being an actor is the fact that sometimes you’re completely unemployed. In fact, at this very moment Paul Rudd may be unemployed and completely without health insurance! If a not at all suspicious accident were to injure his cute little face, he couldn’t possibly cover the cost of plastic surgery, again. Me? I’d have a new nose and chin installed immediately with only a $25 copay.

Ladies, think about this: Paul is on the wrong side of 50, he doesn’t have a steady job and he probably doesn’t have health insurance. If you saw that profile on a dating sight you’d swipe left hard. Me? Fully employed and insured!

Apparently he needs a lot of make up to look that good

Me? I don’t wear a stitch of makeup. The fact that I think makeup comes in stitches shows how little I know about makeup. If you’re a woman, is a guy wearing makeup sexy to you? Imagine him kissing you and his makeup rubbing off all over your face. How sexy is that?

I checked his bio online and it says he studied “film” in college. Big effin’ deal. Google says Paul Rudd has been in at least 65 films. I guarantee that I’ve studied more than 65 films, usually at night while drinking beer and eating chips, which are both two things that I’ve seen Paul do in “films”. So why does he get paid for it? I can eat chips and drink beer much better than he can.

Apparently he’s into aerobics

People Magazine I implore you, please do the world a favor and choose your annual Sexiest Man Alive by normal human being standards. Research on Twitter shows that woman love the dad bod and a guy with a stable job. Paul Rudd has neither of those things and his recent foray as Ant Man has him in a skin tight unitard and shrinking rapidly, which women have told me is not at all attractive.

This year is done, but the race to be next years Sexiest Man Alive begins now and I intend to win it. Please help me out by liking, commenting and sharing on social media! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Here’s What I’m Really Afraid Of…

This is definitely me

I remember about fourteen years ago… Yay! I haven’t lost my mind to Alzheimer’s yet! That’s not the point of this though. Fourteen years ago my dad was 70. He lived about a five hour drive from me, so we rarely saw each other, but we did talk on the phone monthly. At that time, I noticed that every phone conversation we had was the same. He would tell me about his old golfing buddies, but lamented that he didn’t golf much anymore because most of his buddies had passed away. Every damn call he would tell me about his deceased golfing friends. At the time I thought he was drunk, which was always a possibility.  Looking back, maybe that was the beginning of his Alzheimer’s. Or maybe it was just the beginning of the symptoms that I noticed…

My dad retired at 57 and never worked another day in his life. He wasn’t a millionaire or anything. He had been with the same company for over thirty years and they offered him a buyout package with a pension for life. Like me, your first thought is “Wow, that’s great! Who doesn’t want to quit working as soon as possible?” The fact that he never worked a day in his life again is what has me wondering. He was a hard worker and a very frugal man who wanted to hang onto his money. I can’t imagine him at 57 just deciding to never make any more money. That’s why I wonder if he wasn’t already seeing the early signs of Alzheimer’s in himself.

As a younger man he was always active. He’d go camping, in a tent like a man. No fancy trailer or cabin camping for him. Instead of buying firewood, we’d just go out in the woods and cut down trees. He kayaked and canoed. In the winter he went skiing. I even remember him taking scuba diving lessons. So why would someone that seemed almost hyperactive, retire at 57? I’m not 57 yet, but I’m trending in that direction, and when I forget something, which may very well be perfectly normal, I wonder if my dad, at 57 saw the writing on the wall. Did he suspect that he was losing his ability to do his job?  Was that when the Alzheimer’s started?

When I’m living in a memory care unit I’m going to tell this joke to the staff every day

At 70 my dad stopped traveling or taking trips with his girlfriend. He stayed home, watching the news and doing Sudoku. He had become uncomfortable being anywhere he wasn’t familiar with. That’s very common in Alzheimer’s. In Alzheimer’s you forget recent information first, which was why he couldn’t travel anymore. It made him feel completely disoriented. As I used to say of my dad, he couldn’t remember what he did 30 minutes ago but he could remember what he did 30 years ago.

I have one of the genes that contributes to Alzheimer’s. That gives me a 30% chance of having Alzheimer’s. There may be other elements that increase my risk. Every time I forget a word, or put the yogurt in the cupboard and the salt shaker in the fridge, I wonder if I’m destined to live another thirty years or more, but only know who I am for the next 10-15 of them. That’s what I’m really afraid of.

That’s why I’m back to writing more here. This blog is my history. If twenty years from now I’ve forgotten who I am and who I was, I hope someone shows me this blog, which has been a part of me for the last 18 years and hopefully will be for several more years going forward. So, future Phil thanks you for reading and commenting. You all are now an important part of my memory one way or another.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil 

Throwback Thursday! The Riveting Plot of Every Hallmark Movie

Yes, it’s that time of year. “Christmas?” you say. No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with at least one romantic bone in their body and a high tolerance for mediocre acting, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, otherwise known as Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”

Being married to one of these Hallmark movie loving people, I’ve inadvertently seen several Hallmark Christmas movies and I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you from having to watch the actual movies, here’s how it goes:

Guy or gal who left home several years ago is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere, then they come back to their Smalltown, USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! Or maybe beloved Uncle Walt passed away and they’re going to lose the farm! What? The only way they can save the farm, family business or special hometown festival is if one impossibly attractive person stays longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?

Successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first they may not like each other but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch, town  or whatever. There’s always something that needs saving.

Of course it will all inevitably lead to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square where they will tumble into a pile of egregiously fake snow and look longingly into each others eyes.

Guess what everyone, that’s the plot of every episode of The Gilmore Girls too. You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching every single Hallmark movie this year. But you know what? I know you’re going to watch them. It’s as inevitable as that moment when the returning hometown hero says “this is where I’ve wanted to be all along” as they finally kiss their new love and gaze at the Christmas tree.  Cue Christmas music and fade out to credits.

Ugh. Those movies are so fake sugary, saccharin sweet that they should have a disclaimer warning diabetics not to watch them. Really, I’m not a Grinch. I love the holidays and I mock them because I love them. Just like you. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Spring over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2024

If Jesus Had To Get Followers Now…

Hey everybody, before you read this, I’m not trying to make any religious statement. I’m just trying to make jokes, and not at the expense of any particular religion.  If Christianity is not your religion, feel free to, in your mind, change the name Jesus to Yaweh, Krishna, Laozi, or the Kardashians. 

Jesus: Hey Matthew, look at my Facebook. I only have 12 followers, and that includes you! Ugh! Why are they all dudes? What’s the deal, why won’t more people follow me? I’m a likable guy, right? And I’m not too ugly or anything, right?

Apostle Matthew: Yes Jesus, you have a great head of hair and the beard is hugely popular this century. I know you thought it would be just like the last time you came back, but 2000 years have passed. Things are different now. You can’t just walk around and tell everyone you’re the son of God and expect them to follow you. There’s someone on every corner in New York City saying that. On the positive side, in a lot of countries, people liked your previous work so well that generations of parents have named their sons Jesus.

Jesus: What about those road shows we used to do? You know, you me and the boys just show up in some town and I cure a leper and put out a nice spread of bread and fish for lunch.  People loved that!

Apostle Matthew: Nowadays, to get a great following you have to be good on what they call “social media.”

Jesus: Hmm… what is this social media? Does it have anything to do with those little black rectangles everybody is staring at? People don’t seem very social when they do that.  I thought those were just tiny bibles.

Apostle Matthew: (a little chuckle) No Big J, those are not tiny bibles. You know that laptop computer that I’ve been teaching you to use? Everyone can do the same stuff, but they do it on those little rectangles. You’ve got to get with the times man.

Jesus: Ok, so can you teach me how to “social media” our message to all their social media rectangles? Should I start a blog? I saw some good blogs online.

Apostle Matthew: Lol, dude, you are so funny. blogs are so 2008. But we can work on getting you a following. Me and a bunch of dudes is only going to seem like a cult. We’ve got to get some other people involved.  First,  you need two things. The first is a kick ass Tik Tok. The kids love Tik Tok. And Twitter. If you can get good on Twitter and Tik Tok you can get a great following.

Jesus: That’s great. I can’t believe you know all this stuff already. Can you teach me how to Twitter and TikTok?

Apostle Matthew: Ok, first we have to make some funny, catchy videos. You’re going to have to practice your dance moves too, but only for 30 seconds.

Jesus: Wait, what’s a video? (Matthew just sighs and shakes his head)

Ok, you’re back to me now. Hopefully no one was too offended. Have a great week! ~Phil

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Rock You Like A Hurricane?

Well it’s hurricane season in the Northern hemisphere. Hurricane ‘Henri’ ran up the East coast this past week and I hope that everyone in it’s path escaped without any mortal injuries. Then again, how threatening can anything or anyone named Henri be? That may be the least menacing name ever. The fact that there are so many Henri’s in France is why they’ve lost every war they’ve ever participated in.

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Fortunately I don’t live in an area that ever gets any hurricanes although I felt some of the wind and rain from Henri. In the U.S., our weather people traditionally name hurricanes with people names, such as Hurricane Phil, or Hurricane Betsy. Then the news people are astounded that people refuse to leave their homes when a hurricane is coming. Who is going to be afraid of Hurricane Henri, or Tropical Storm Cecilia? Remember innocuously named Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, how’d that work out for everyone? And for cripes sake, why did we have a hurricane named Henri? Henri sounds more like a refreshing light rain on a pleasant spring day.

Have you ever noticed that when people are interviewed as a big storm is bearing down on their area the homeowners always use the phrase “hunker down”? The interview always goes like this:

Reporter: I’m standing here with Joe and Jane Homeowner who plan on staying right where they are as the biggest storm of the century bears down on us. Joe and Jane, why are you staying put?

Homeowners: Well this little storm ‘taint nuthin. We’ll just hunker down until it passes. Now the storm of ’68, that was a storm!

I’m not sure I’ve ever hunkered down for anything. I think hunkering down best describes the pose my dog takes when she’s going number 2.  If you want people to flee to somewhere safe you have to give  a storm a name that sounds as scary as it is. Why not give it an intimidating name? How about something like Mega Hurricane Deathtron? That might get people out of their homes. Or maybe something simple like The Hurricane of Death? If the Hurricane of Death was headed for my house you can bet I’d get the hell out of the way. Then again, if they named hurricanes like that you wouldn’t have people selling post hurricane t-shirts that said things like “I Was Blown By Irene 2011.” When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will convene a special committee of writers to work on scary, new hurricane names every year.

Have a great and hurricane free day! ~Hurricane Phil

Book Review: John Howell’s “Eternal Road” is a Fun Ride!

As you may know from either reading or having seen my books, I’m a big fan of the time travel genre. When I saw that my blogging friend, John Howell, had written a book with time travel as part of the plot, I couldn’t resist. But, John’s book isn’t just about time travel. It’s so much more than just time travel

Say hello to John! Find him on Twitter at @HowellWave

James began a road trip alone in his 1956 Oldsmobile. He stops for a hitchhiker only to discover she is his childhood sweetheart, Sam, who disappeared seventeen years before. 

The pair visit a number of times and places and are witness to a number of historical events. The rules dictate that they do no harm to the time continuum. Trying to be careful, they inadvertently come to the attention of Lucifer who would love to have their souls as his subjects. They also find a threat to human survival and desperately need to put in place the fix necessary to save mankind.

The question becomes, will James find his eternal home in grace or lose the battle with Satan for his immortal soul and the future of human life with it? If you like time-travel, adventure, mystery, justice, and the supernatural, this story is for you.

That’s the summary from Amazon, and let me tell you, a lot goes on in this book. There’s surprises almost every time you turn the page. I had several moments where I thought to myself, “I can’t believe that just happened” and then on the next page something even crazier would happen. John Howell’s Eternal Road is a ride I thoroughly enjoyed. Here’s an even more interesting aside: I finished this book four days ago. James quest to find his eternal home ends in a certain location, which turns out to be exactly where my siblings and I are going tomorrow to spread my father’s ashes, making that his eternal home too. Mind blown.