The Phil Factor

Surprise, surprise! Have you ever been completely overconfident about how something is going to turn out, and then the universe decides to teach you a lesson? I have to admit, that is me lately.

As some of you remember, my wife passed away eleven months ago. Of course, with me being the most unecessarily confident person you would ever meet, I assumed that the rules about mourning apply to everyone except me. One thing I was told and read about mourning is that after a loss like that you should just sit tight for a year and don’t make any major changes.

At first, I didn’t make any major changes. I kept the status quo for most things in my life for a few months before I thought “Pshaw” that year thing applies to other people. I’m Phil.”

Then I started letting myself make some changes here and there. Initially, I started with the house. You know how sometimes you and your spouse have different ideas about decorating in your house, and you let them have things their way because it seems more important to them? Now, it was my turn to decorate the house I live in any way I want, with no one to disagree. I didn’t make any major changes, but even little things felt like big changes. In some ways it felt like I was betraying her. I worried about what the kids would think. I knew it was silly to think that way, but taking those tiny steps of change seemed daunting.

The picture above was created by a friend of me and my late wife, She and her husband have this amazing little shop in a small upstate New York town. In addition to creating art and recreating pieces of furniture or cabinets, she also has courses to teach others to learn what she does. When I stopped into her shop late last summer, I saw this and knew immediately where I would hang it. It’s been there ever since and it makes me smile every day. That little, but important step was my beginning of finding out who I am now in this different part of my life.

I’ve made some other changes since and I feel comfortable in my house, but sometimes when I least expect it, an invisible fist punches me in the stomach and takes the wind out of me emotionally. It usually happens when I’m home alone.

Sunset Pier, Key West

In the past, there was no “home alone”.  Now it happens more than I’d like, but it’s gradually happening less.  My recent coping mechanism of running away to other countries or vacation spots is a great distraction, but it doesn’t seem to help after I’ve returned. Unfortunately, I’ve used up my travel budget for a bit, so it looks like I’ll have to fight the boogeyman one on one for awhile. It’s a complete surprise.

I was a mental health therapist for a number of years and when my life changed last year I thought, “I’ve got this.” To my overconfident surprise, I’ll have to admit I may have been a little wrong about this. Lesson learned.

Thanks for reading… Phil