Don’t Worry! I’m Not That Prince Philip

In case you were worried about me, I’m not the Prince Philip that was in a car accident a few days ago. Although we share an identical spelling of our first names, that’s where the resemblance ends. Why was Philip even driving? Was he trying to Brexit the country?

Is it just me or does he always seem to have two black eyes? I wonder if he’s in a lot more car accidents than we ever hear of. Or maybe he and Queen Elizabeth like it a little rough in the bedroom.

I may not  be a Prince, yet. If the Queen gets tired of Philip’s high jinks and gives him the boot, I’m not opposed to having a sugar mama, especially one that allows me to be King of England if she mysteriously passes away.

I may never be Prince, but when I’m elected President (#PHIL2020), or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law, not just in the United States, but the whole world. Which I think will require me to be Sexiest Man Alive, because that’s a worldwide title.  My law will state that no human being should be allowed to drive a car past age 75.

I know some will say that’s ridiculous, but I don’t think so. By the age of 75 so many parts of aging impede our ability to be a good driver. Our vision is much less than it was when we were younger and our ability to physically react quickly has declined significantly. If that wasn’t the case you’d see 75 year olds playing professional sports. Hell, I don’t want to be driving past age 75! If my kids read this, please take the keys away from me when I’m 75, or earlier if warranted.

Get this, Prince Philip was seen driving around two days after the accident. He obviously doesn’t have much common sense, but for cripes sake, is everyone in the English monarchy stupid? Get that guy off the road! Get him off the left side and the right side of the road! If he wants to drive around put him in a golf cart on the castle grounds but attach a tether to it so he can’t go too far.

With all due respect, this is a serious issue. If an elderly family member is still driving and you think they shouldn’t be, please take away the keys. Yes, that may upset them, but not as much as a fatal accident will.

~Phil

Some Suggestions For Getting Your Kids Away from Their Phones

Denzil Walton , a friend of The Phil Factor, has written a fascinating book. If you’re a parent I’m sure that the title of this blog post caught your attention. How in the world do we get our kids off their phones and interacting with the “real” world? Denzil, a lover of nature, the great outdoors and birds in particular has some great ideas.

Author Denzil Walton

His highly rated book is available for Kindle on Amazon USA, Amazon in the U.K. , and on Kobo . If you’ve got kids who are already spending a little too much time looking at life online instead outdoors I encourage you to check out Denzil’s book! ~Phil

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The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

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Apparently, if me and Macauly Culkin had a baby, it would not be pretty

Hey everybody! Apparently word press reader decided not to show you my post all day today. Here is the second addition in my brand new Unemployment Diaries series!  via The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

Apparently, if me and Macaulay Culkin had a baby, it would not be pretty

Day 3: Wife stayed home from work today due to illness. Suddenly being unemployed isn’t nearly as fun as it was yesterday. I guess I’ll have to start looking for a job.

Possible Job Thoughts: (this is an actual picture from the Notes file on my phone)

Run for President: We all know this is already a given, but the election isn’t until 2020. So even if I get the job, the paychecks won’t start coming in until 2021. It also takes time to build momentum, so I’ll need your help. Here’s what you can do: Whenever you share one of my posts on Facebook or Twitter, add the hashtag #PHIL2020.

Apply to Celebrity Big Brother: TV ads are teasing the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, but I don’t think it’s too late for me to jump on board. And why wouldn’t they want me? I have one of the longest running blogs in the world!

Wait, are you questioning my credentials of being “celebrity” enough for Celebrity Big Brother? Seriously? OK, if you want to, let’s do this! Here’s some of the cast:

Natalie Eva Marie. Who? Do you know she is? You probably don’t, but you know who I am. Boom. There’s one that I’m more famous than.

Ryan Lochte? Michael Phelps shadow much? A former Olympic swimmer who’s more famous for getting drunk at the Rio Olympics and kicking in the bathroom door of a gas station. Hell, there’s probably twenty rednecks in my podunk town who have been on the local news for the same thing.

Tamar Braxton? Apparently singer Toni Braxton  has a sister that no one had heard of until the Big Brother ads hit TV this week.   I wonder if Toni even knew.

Jonathan BennettYou could show up at any kindergarten class in a well to do American suburb and find four kids named Jonathan Bennett.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go through all twelve alleged “celebrities”. You get the idea. You’ve heard of me more than you’ve heard of them. CBS, get me on that show! And, one thing I have in common with all of the pseudo celebrities is that I’m unemployed too!

That’s it for today folks! Thanks for reading. Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Unemployment Diaries: Day 1

For the first time in over 30 years, I don’t have a job. As will happen occasionally, if you work for corporate America, you get laid off. I’m not going to bash my former company. They treated me well for a long time.  What I am going to do is chronicle my adventures as I try to find things to do when I have nothing to do.

My initial impression of what happens to guys who lose their job is Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom:

I posted the picture of me at the top so you can see what I look like on Day 1. Who knows? Maybe on Day 28 I will have a beard and be walking around the house in a robe. Or maybe I’ll have a funny, kick-ass blog. I didn’t do it today, but I intend to go to video blogging occasionally. I’ve never done it, but have always wanted to.

Being without a job is freeing. I’ve spent over 30 years going to work at least 40 hours a week. So, having some time off is why I’m smiling in the picture above. Also yesterday, all alone in my house, I did a little bit of this:

I really did dance around my house for no reason yesterday, but it was to Green Day. I couldn’t pull off Tom Cruise’s slide across the floor in my socks because I have carpeting. If I could have, you would have seen it because I would have filmed myself sliding by the laptop camera.

You’re probably wondering if my Unemployment Diaries series of blog posts is just going to be references to 80’s movies. The answer is, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know where my mind will take me when I have this much unstructured free time.

So far today I endured a brief panic when I thought the toaster didn’t work. Briefly, I wondered if I could eat my dog if things got too dire. Fortunately I figured out the toaster issue. Her life is saved, for now. Actually, I probably won’t eat her. When I was on the phone with my former company’s human resources department being told I was laid off, my dog was in the corner throwing up on the rug. She knows how to read the room.

Then I had an argument with Amazon’s Alexa device which resulted in me shouting “Shut up Alexa” and storming out of the room. She is just such a fecking know it all. I fear that my relationship with Alexa may not survive this.

Stay tuned…  ~Phil

Do you want a FREE Kindle copy of my book?

What’s better than free, right? My giveaway on Amazon has ended, but if you still want to get a unique interesting and funny time travel novel for free to read on your Kindle, the first four people who reply to this post with a comment will get a reply to your comment from me with a link for a free download! If you want to read the reviews before you make such a big commitment, click THIS LINK

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

There’s No Happy Ending To This Massage

ashbeautyhealth.com.au

In the immortal words of Indiana Jones, “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Why couldn’t there be massages that involve little bunnies, kittens, puppies or panda bears? Yes, snake massages are a thing.

It started almost six years ago in Indonesia and now American celebrities are jumping on the snake massage bandwagon. There’s a woman in New York City, calling herself Serpentessa who charges $300 for a 75 minute snake massage with several boa constrictors. Serpentessa?!!? Really? She sounds like a villain in a super hero movie. She probably does a snake hiss anytime she pronounces a word with an S. I’m guessing that’s not her birth name. She’s probably Edith from Kansas City. (Click her name there to go see her website)

Just to be clear, I don’t have a snake phobia at all. As a kid I used to catch snakes and keep them as pets. My mom was not thrilled. That being said, I’m not getting a snake massage unless someone reading this gets a GoFundMe started and you all contribute enough to cover the cost of my massage and the travel to NYC. Then I’d feel obligated to go get it done and film it for my blog, which I would rename Phil Does Stupid Stuff. Here’s why I won’t choose to do a snake massage on my own: She’s doing it with boa constrictors! These are the snakes that squeeze the life out of people and swallow them whole. In the video below, you’ll see that the snakes are just languidly slithering over the victim person.

But what if  you sneeze and startle the snakes? Like you and me, if we’re startled, wouldn’t the snakes tense up? Or what if Serpentessa gets a phone call and leaves the room to take it? No thank you. That’s probably just what Sepentessa wants. She’s going to feed her enemies to the snakes until she can take over the world. Hmm…I wonder if I could send Donald Trump a snake massage gift certificate… Now, as a writer I’m picturing the scene: In the dark of night, in the hallway of the White House snakes slithering into the Oval Office….

This seems like as good an idea as Goat yoga. Just let me know when the GoFundMe has enough for me to go get that snake massage. Have a great weekend! ~Phil