Throwback Thursday! The Big Red Button

(July, 22, 2005) Is it just me, or does everyone else have an irresistible urge to push a big, red, button anytime you see one? I was at the hospital the other night because one of my mini-me’s had broken his finger in a dramatic kick-ball accident. While I’m waiting at the triage desk, I spot a big, red button on the wall behind the desk. The sign under it read, “Ventilation System Shut Down.” I suppose that’s there in case they suddenly discover they’ve got someone with Mad Cow disease and they need to quarantine the place ASAP. I swear it was all I could do to restrain myself from walking over there to push it just to see what would happen. I imagined blaring warning sirens going off and big, steel doors slamming down over all the exits as they sucked the air out of the room. I still wanted to push it though.

I remember back in high school I worked at a big store, and one time I was in the warehouse, which wasn’t where I worked, and I saw a big, red button on the wall. So I pushed it. A large section of the wall suddenly opened up. So I ran away.

I imagine that when I visit the White House I’ll probably be in the Oval Office chatting with the President about the relative merits of interns, when suddenly my head would swivel violently, having noticed the big, red button on the President’s desk. It would probably be too late for the President to stop me as I said, “Hey, what does this do?” as I simultaneously pushed it.

I think this is a genetically programmed urge because while at a restaurant once, one of my little guys couldn’t resist the urge to push the bar on the emergency exit door despite the sign which said, “Do not push. A loud alarm will sound.” Is it just me, or does anyone else have this or similar urges?

Yes, the date at the beginning of the post is correct. I was blogging in 2005. There were only six of us at the time. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Wordless Wednesday!

See how the level of the wine lines up with the horizon? Look at me getting all artsy and sh#t! Follow me on Instagram @thephilfactor for more of the same. Have a great Wednesday!

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Won’t Date Taylor Swift

I won’t. I won’t do it. No matter how much she begs or how many songs she writes, I won’t date Taylor Swift. Here’s why:

10. If Taylor Swift married me and took my name, her name would be Taylor Taylor and that’s just ridiculous. But, if she took my first name as her married surname, her name would be Taylor Phil. I might consider letting her do that. It would be great fun at party introductions. “Hi, I’m Phil Taylor and this is my wife Taylor Phil.”

9. If she and I broke up with each other she’d write songs about it and I’d write blogs about it. Does the world really need that?

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8. The relationship would never work. She’d be jealous and insecure about my success. It would probably destroy her.

7. Mrs. Phil would probably kick both our asses , resulting in a lengthy and highly public trial, and I can’t go through that again.

6. Because of their well publicized feud over me, if I dated Taylor Swift I’d never get a shot with Katy Perry. (pause) Or would I?

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

5. She’s too tall. At 5’11’, she’s taller than me, and well… there’s all sorts of ways that would be awkward. Like at red carpet events for instance: “Hi Taylor. Melissa Rivers here from E! network. Oh wait, stop the camera. Why is your chauffeur still with you?”

4. I don’t want to get stuck supporting that one hit wonder in her old age when she’s lost her marginal good looks and blown all the money she made from that one song that did ok.

3. She’s attractive and all, but she’s no Kylie Minogue. (A little blatant pandering to my U.K. and Australian friends who’ve read this far. If you did, give me a quick shout out in the comments so I know that reference wasn’t in vain)

Kylie dailytelegraph.com.au

Kylie     dailytelegraph.com.au

2.   I’m a pretty forgiving guy, but not once has Taylor’s agent called me and asked if she could be interviewed on #ThePhilFactor. I don’t pursue. I’m the pursued.

1. Taylor may be able to rhyme some catchy lyrics, but from what I’ve heard she’s a snooze when it comes to conversation. Apparently Taylor isn’t all that swift.

As always, feel free to share with your favorite Taylor Swift fan by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday!

Music Monday! The Killers

Who knew The Killers were still making new music? Here’s their first new song in five years.

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Thank You To Hot Mess Memoir!

I want to give a big thank you to Angela of Hot Mess Memoir for choosing my very short story as the winner of her What Would You Tell Oprah in 400 Words or Less writing contest. No, I’m not going to post my short story here. You have to go to Angela’s site to read it. Have a great Sunday and go visit Hot Mess Memoir! Thank you Angela!

Is This A Trumped Up List of Search Terms?

Our current President might say this list is “Fake news. Sad!” but I would testify to a Senate Intelligence Committee that it’s all the truth. This is my quarterly reminder that whatever you put into a Google search, someone somewhere is going to read it. Quite possibly the Russians, but I swear that I took precautions to ensure that the Russians couldn’t interfere with this list.

10. Worst Tattoos: I don’t think my tattoos are that bad. What? You want to know what my tattoos are? When I get a new blog follower, I go to their profile page and print out their pic and get it tattooed somewhere on my body. If you want to know where yours is, email me. (BTW, I’ve got a few choice spots left. Let me know which one you want!)

9. bulbus nude ass: That may be where my tattoo of you is.

8. Sociopath smell: I thought I smelled like Teen Spirit, but apparently I smell like a sociopath. It’s kind of a sandal wood smell.

7. cool reason to guve up sleep: I think a cool reason to guve up sleep is to read every #ThePhilFactor post ever. Just keep scrolling backward. And call work. You won’t be going in today.

6. psychic will trump be impeached: As the only psychic on this blog I answered this question HERE

5. look at what you did dr. david dao: I’m pretty sure David Dao didn’t do anything. He looks downright lazy there. The airline crew is doing all the work!.

4. stop sending me chain letters: Those aren’t chain letters. You signed up for the emails when I post to my blog. But as long as you’re here, I’m a Nigerian Prince and I have a large sum of money I’d like to send to your bank account.

3. phil government shitdowb: Relax everyone. The Phil Government is just fine. There will be no shitdowb on my watch!

2. phil hindi sex: As much as I enjoy strangers from all over the world wanting very personal information about me, I swear I have never had sex with a hindi. Not that I’m opposed. I’m sure that most of the Hindi speaking people would be fine sexual partners. I think they even wrote a book about it.

1. Queen Amidala on toilet: I’m not sure what’s stranger; that someone searched this topic, or that Google directed them to my blog when they searched it.

Trust me, there were a few worse search terms that I refuse to put on my family friendly blog. The only thing more disturbing than some of these search terms is the spelling and grammar some people use. Obviously many of them don’t google the spelling of what they’re looking up. I hope you have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Kim Kardashian’s Butt and Vacation Boobs

(11/15/2014) This is it. Mano a mano. Kim Kardashian versus #ThePhilFactor. Or rather it’s Kim Kardashian’s big bulbous butt versus my big bulbous sense of humor. Kim thought her racy pictures in PaperMag would #BreakTheInternet but she was sadly mistaken. If anybody breaks the internet it’s going to be me. Kim wanted to break it with her butt, but I’m going to break it by being an ass.

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Yeah, Kim and I used to be an item way back when we were young. I was actually the first rung on her celebrity ladder. The fame and popularity of my books and The Phil Factor drew her to me. I should have known it wouldn’t last. The picture above is of us at a New Jersey Nets game. I thought she seemed just a little too eager to visit the locker room after the game. I should have known better.

Kim’s latest stunt, trying to “break the internet” by allowing the website for a little known magazine to post nude shots of her wasn’t even her or their idea. Check out this picture of myself I posted on The Phil Factor back in 2005 when Kim and I were dating.

PTKK

Look familiar? I’m pretty sure she photoshopped her head into this picture and gave it to that magazine. I’ve never shown my backside on The Phil Factor, but I’ve got glutes women would kill for. No one has yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Speaking of women killing for a great butt, I saw another item on the interwebs this week that caught my attention. What if you want the perfect body for lounging on the beach during your vacation but you don’t have the time to work out? Apparently there is now an answer to that. You can get “vacation boobs.”  As a guy, I love the sound of that. What it really means though is that a New York city cosmetic surgeon has developed a process where he injects saline solution directly into the breasts to inflate them for anywhere from 24 hours to two weeks. The bodily gradually absorbs the saline and the boobs shrink back to their normal size. Apparently they’re also developing a process for butts and men’s calves and pecs. Seriously ladies, when you go to the beach have you ever checked out a guys calves? I’m not even sure I have calves. I’ve never looked. And if you are single and you invest in vacation boobs or pecs and you meet someone on vacation, how do you explain the change in your body later?

Also, in another demonstration of idiocy on the world wide web this week, Katy Perry’s boyfriend DJ Diplo (it should be Dipshit if you ask me) caused waves when he tweeted that “somebody should start a Kickstarter to get Taylor Swift a booty.” Dude, what is your problem? What has Taylor Swift ever done to you? How about you worry about your own girlfriend’s booty? If I’m Katy Perry I’m kicking this guy to the curb for paying attention to Taylor Swift’s booty. If Taylor Swift is worried about this she could invest in a vacation booty. Somehow though I doubt that Taylor Swift and her billions of dollars are worrying about a tweet by that loser. Katy, you could do so much better.

I could not believe how much stupidity populated the internet this week. I’m not a celeb follower but all this stupid “news” was unavoidable. But alas the internet did not break. So why don’t we break the internet? You and me. If everyone who reads this shares it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter and re-blog buttons below it will spread far and wide until it is the only thing on the internet. I posted this at 6:40 this morning. If you’re reading it, the internet isn’t broken yet. Get clicking! C’mon, help #The Phil Factor #BreakTheInternet.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil