Moist People Hate a Certain Word. Do You Know What It Is?

There are a lot of people who cringe when someone has voiced moist. Yes, that’s right, I’m going to foist moist upon you. I might even carve moist upon on a joist. Then I would hoist the moist joist. Look at how much fun I just had with the word moist! That’s the moist fun I’ve ever had with just one word.

So which side of the moist joist do you fall on? Are you like me, just going blithely through life unperturbed by the word moist? Or do you cringe when you hear moist? Does it make you uncomfortable?

I feel about gifs the way many people feel about the word moist. But seriously everybody, when did hating moist become a thing? The first time I became aware that people disliked the word moist was when I saw this 2007 How I Met Your Mother episode: (go ahead, it’s only 40 sec)

Since then I’ve heard many echo the sentiment that moist is an objectionable word. It just came up yesterday at a lunch meeting I was at. And yet, don’t we all love moist cake? Or maybe a moist towelette when our fingers are greasy after a very good meal?

There are a lot of things that are only good when they are moist: where I get my haircut, they place a moist steamed towel on the back of my neck after they shave it. Dew covered grass. Pancakes. The condensation on the outside of a wine glass on a warm summer night. Banana bread must be moist! Cold cucumber slices. A puppy’s tongue when they lick your cheek. A perfectly cooked Thanksgiving turkey. It seems to me that almost everything that is moist is good, right? So why the apprehension about the word moist?

Don’t cry meme James Van Der Beek. I won’t let the haters get rid of the word moist. In fact, I think the word moist should be rejoiced! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law that every Monday shall be declared Moist Monday and we will all celebrate all the great moist things in the world.

This may be the moist ridiculous post I’ve ever written. So which side are you on? Should moist be rejoiced, or do you find the word abhorrent? And if you do hate it, could you explain in the comments? If you know a moist hater please share this with them by hitting the Facebook share button below. Moist people will appreciate that!

Have a Moist Saturday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! An Open Letter To Vespa Dude

Here is a classic Phil Factor from August 2008. Enjoy!

Dear Vespa Dude,

You are SO not cool. I don’t care if you wear a leather jacket and helmet with dark visor, that does not make your scooter a motorcycle. I don’t care if you get 80 miles to the gallon of gas. After two weeks of riding your Vespa, the savings should allow you to buy a real motorcycle or maybe even a car. You’re an adult and you’re riding a SCOOTER! Let that sink in for a moment… If you had any minuscule shot at getting a date with an actual real life woman, your scooter just killed that. Unless Al Gore has a really hot daughter who cares about the environment as much as you do, you’re not going to find a woman who wants to be taken out to dinner on a…SCOOTER. (As an aside, Jenna Bush is a smokin’ hottie and I’d vote for her dad for a third term if she got to be on tv more because of it)

And by the way, if your vehicle has a top speed of 30 mph, get the hell off the road. You don’t belong in my way. Just because you have a tiny license plate, like the ones I tied on the back of my bike when I was 8, doesn’t mean you should be on the road. While you’re at it why don’t you just clip some baseball cards to the spokes so your Vespa almost sounds like a motorcycle. In fact, because your 30 mph ass is in my lane I have to go slower and take longer, burning more gas and thus negating any benefit to the world you thought you were providing by riding your SCOOTER. I’d like to put my big carbon footprint right up your scooter riding ass.

Whew, it’s been a long time since I got off a good rant on here. This time I’m honestly hoping to get back to blogging at least once a week. Thanks for coming back.
Phil

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Want To Play Phil Factor Fantasy Football?

I effing love the alliteration in that title, don’t you? So, I know this is a weird thing to ask in the blogosphere, but would anyone want to join a fantasy football league comprised of bloggers? I love my fantasy football and in fact I got my start blogging with my own fantasy sports site in 2005.

Image property of the National Football League

I like most of you people and I like fantasy football so I thought I’d combine them. If you’re interested, just say so in the comments. The first either 9 or 11 people that comment will be in. Not playing for money, just fun and bragging rights.

Wordless Wednesday! Outdoor Art Gallery

These pictures are from a beautiful outdoor art gallery in Jamestown, NY.

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Lies Ever

10. Sure you can pet him. He’s friendly. He’s never bitten anyone in his life! ~every dog owner ever, right before their dog bites you.

9. Hold still. This will only hurt a little bit. ~doctors, dentists, and…

8. I don’t need a list. I’ll remember! ~husbands, right before they forget everything on your list.

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7. No. I’m not mad. ~women who are obviously mad.

6. It’s OK. I have plenty of time! ~all of us, when we definitely don’t have enough time.

5. I’ll write a blog and become famous! ~me, lying to myself every damn day

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4. Does that dress make you look fat? No, it’s your hips that make you look fat! ~very stupid men.

3. LOL! ~all of us using the internet to lie to our friends because they can’t actually see that we’re not LOL’ing.

2. Gray hair makes you look distinguished. ~all women lying to all men. (If that were true, why don’t women ever want to look distinguished?)

1. I think your “love handles” are cute. ~couples who have both given up and are sitting on the couch in their elastic-waisted sweat pants watching Netflix and eating Cheetos. 

So what other lies do you tell on a regular basis? Or which ones do you hear most often? Feel free add yours in the comments. Or if you don’t want to just click like without reading at all. I love that. (me lying to you.) Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Music Monday! Portugal. The Man

Portugal. The Man is actually five men from Portland Oregon who met in high school in Alaska. The band’s name came from the idea that they wanted it to have a bigger than life feel, so they named it after a country. This song which is quite popular in the states is from their album Woodstock, which was released earlier this year. It’s a weird video. I don’t claim to understand it.

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Dear Donald Trump,

Dear Donald Trump,

I’m only using “Dear” in the most traditional sense, not because I have an affection for you, but because it is traditional and respectful to start a letter that way. Traditional and respectful are both things with which you seem unfamiliar. I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to you on behalf of the rest of the human race. Yes, I said the rest of the human race, as if we are separate from you. Your words and actions seem to indicate that you are very separate from us.

To borrow from George Bailey, on behalf of the human race, I’d like to say: Just remember this, Mr. Potter Trump, that this rabble you’re talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community country. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they’re cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you’ll ever be.

Designating myself to represent the rest of the human race may seem arrogant on my part, but I assume that is a characteristic that you understand and respect. I know that you always think that you’re the smartest guy in the room, but the smartest guy in any room is never smarter than the rest of the room together. I’d like to see you get you’re hearing problem checked out. You’re an older man and you seem to have significant trouble hearing your advisers, your cabinet members, and the American people telling you to shut the eff up. Maybe if you aren’t good at listening, you’ll be good at reading. Maybe people will like this blog post so much that it gets retweeted to you. That’s a medium you seem to understand.

You seem fixated on North Korea and their crazy dictator right now. That’s valid. They pose a danger to the rest of the world if they start launching nuclear missiles. You and Kim Jong-Un are trading verbal nuclear missiles right now like two junior high bullies in a pissing contest. How about, for a change,  you be the adult in this one. With all your “fire and fury” and “Locked and loaded” comments, do you know who you sound like? You sound like Kim Jong-Un, a crazy, irrational dictator. In the words of President Teddy Roosevelt, “speak softly and carry a big stick.” Look, we’re the United States. Everyone knows we have the big stick. We have the worlds largest arsenal and the worlds largest military force. You have the big stick and everybody, including Kim Jong-Un knows it. Just shut the eff up and take care of the problem the way your cabinet and advisers, except your son-in law, tell you to.

As for your domestic agenda, what is it? Is it to reverse everything your predecessor did? That seems to be all you’re doing. Like Richard Gere’s character in Pretty Woman learned, if you want to be remembered, build something. If you just destroy without replacing you’ll have a hole. And people will regard you as one as well.

If you want to act like a dictator, go back to a reality TV show. In the real world, your act doesn’t work. Name one real life crazy dictator that had a reign that ended well? You know, if you don’t like this President job, you can resign. Nobody will think worse of you. It’s impossible to. If your ridiculous behavior continues, it’s possible the American people will say, to borrow a phrase from a clown I saw on TV, “You’re fired!”

Sincerely,

Phil and the human race.