Santos is Out! Is Phil in?

Look at those two! Which one are you going to trust? Fortunately you don’t have to worry about trusting former Congressman George Santos. How about that guy on the right. He looks pretty trustworthy. He could be a member of Congress right?

I was way ahead of Congress when it comes to wanting to kick George Santos out of our government. If you didn’t READ THIS last January, go ahead. It’s pretty good.

Picture credit: Long Island Press

George Santos was voted out of congress by his peers. Thank goodness that coworkers at our jobs can’t vote us out, right?

In the past I have joked about becoming President (but was I really joking?). Now there is a Congressional opening in my state. I don’t live in George’s district, but why the heck not put me in there anyway? It’s Long Island for cripes sake! There really are not a lot of worthy candidates in that area of the state.

Those four pictures are how Long Islanders have been represented in the media over the past 30 years. Do we really want anyone of that ilk as part of our government? We all know the answer to that. So why can’t the answer be me?

Sure, I don’t live in Long Island, but if that’s required, then I’ll just rent an AirBNB there and run for Congress. I’m pretty sure I’d be an upgrade over George Santos. Then again, so would most of our house pets.

Have a great rest of your Friday and vote for Phil!

Thanks for reading! ~Phil (future congressman)

Ten Weird Holiday Traditions from Around The World

My first baby picture! (pic credit to )

Not everybody celebrates the holidays just like you do. One of the ten traditions in the list is made up by me. See if you can guess which one is the fake and put your guess in the comments.

Ten Weird Holiday Traditions From Around the World

10. South Africa: In South Africa deep fried caterpillars are the traditional holiday meal. Who knows why? Maybe they believe that eating caterpillars symbolically will make their life turn into a butterfly or some such nonsense. Or maybe caterpillars are just really tasty. Who are we kidding? Anything deep fried IS really tasty.


9. Norway: Maybe my blogging friend Maja Asgautsen from Norway can tell me if this is accurate. According to what I read in the internet, in Norway it’s traditional not to do any cleaning on Christmas Eve and all brooms are put away. Sounds like Norwegian Christmas Eve happens at my house several days every week.

8. Caracas, Venezuela: Residents of this one town, Caracas, go to Christmas Eve mass on roller skates.


7. Germany: In Germany they hide a pickle in the Christmas tree and the first child to find it gets a small gift. I would bet that in German bars around the holidays  “Hey gorgeous, how would you like to play hide the pickle?” is an overused, and probably unsuccessful pick up line.

6. Ukraine: In the Ukraine, instead of tinsel and lights they decorate their Christmas trees with fake spider webs and spiders. Apparently they watch The Nightmare Before Christmas  a little too often.

5. China: In China families bring their pets, dogs, cats, and birds to a special mass on Christmas Eve to have them blessed. In Chinese culture it is believed that animals are more susceptible to demonic possession and the ceremony is thought to “cleanse” them for the coming year.  That is why most households have a “lucky cat” statue to ward off evil spirits.


4. Estonia: Families go to the sauna together. I’m cool with going to the sauna, but with my family? Ugh.

3. Great Britain: Tradition dictates that each member of the family must stir the Christmas pudding in a clockwise direction and make a wish. Reportedly 90% of wishes are “I wish is wasn’t cold and rainy.”


2. Guatemala: They sweep out their houses on Christmas Eve, with brooms they borrowed from the Norwegianscreating a pile of dirt in front of their home. Then they burn an effigy of the devil on top. Geez, Guatemala, lighten up, it’s Christmas! It’s supposed to be fun.

1. Greece: In a twisted version of Elf on the Shelf, the Greeks tell their children that the Kallikantzaroi, a race of evil goblins that live undergroundcome to the surface to wreak havoc during the twelve days of Christmas. Nice, parenting by terror. What’s more traditional than that?

Well, one of those ten is a completely fake. Which one do you think it is? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays!

You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin spice influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.


8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.

7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folksAll our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 10 to 20 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

Trust me, I’m not going to Louis Vuitton ever

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.

4. FrozenI don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.


3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives in the snow, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

On To The Main Events!

In the States Thanksgiving is just a speed bump we have to get past before we can really dig into Christmas and Hannukah. What do other countries do in November? Do you start decorating for Christmas the day after Halloween/Day of the Dead/ Samhain etc.?

This year some psychopaths got together and created a Thanksgiving horror movie. For cripes sake, is anything sacred? Not that I’m the biggest Thanksgiving fan, but really, how unoriginal was this idea? Haven’t we  seen this one before:

Oh no, holiday get together goes wrong. There’s an ominous, crazy, murderous person dressed up in a grotesque caricature costume of the holiday, picking off victims one by one, often in a different and horrible way each time. Eventually after everyone except one have been picked off, that lone gutty survivor manages to kill the perpetrator. Until the next sequel.  Sound familiar?

This is what happens when the writers go on strike. We get unoriginal regurgitated versions of things we’ve seen before. If you know a Hollywood movie/TV show writer, give them a hug and a cup of coffee.

So today is “Black Friday”. Fortunately, the old style Black Friday where you’d have to sleep out on a store’s doorstep to get a chance to buy a creepy animatronic doll is gone thanks to Amazon.

I love my Amazon, but it’s getting creepy how big it’s become and how much of our lives are dictated by Amazon. They started with just books, and I loved them back then. Now they manage a significant percentage of online data storage for corporations. They send rockets into space and a significant portion of what we watch on our phones and telephones are dictated by them. And today, Amazon will be raking in billions of our dollars just because they’re convenient.  They know more about us than the government, unless we didn’t read the permissions on some 40 page long contract we signed that allows them to sell our data to our government.

That last idea was kind of a bummer huh? My original intent was just to see if everyone else feels like I do about Thanksgiving being a speed bump on the way to Christmas/Hannukah. The rest of this was just some random thoughts. Feel free to comment on any or all of it. I hope you have a great Friday, if Amazon let’s us

Also I’m seriously thinking that I should really run for President. There is no one out there I trust and want to vote for.

(See? I don’t always write inane fluff pieces!)

Thanks for reading! ~Phil

Top Ten Best Sitcom Thanksgiving Episodes

Rest in peace Matthew Perry. Thanks for the laughs

Don’t we all love the holiday episodes of our favorite shows? If you’re not into football this week, then dial up Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime TV on Thursday and watch these ten laugh out loud episodes from the past that will entertain you all day long.  I’ve only included ones that I’ve seen, so if you can think of some others, say so in the comments! I apologize to my international readers that this list is American centric. If you can think of your favorite holiday episodes from your country, please put them in the comments so we can discover new shows!

10. Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans, Season 5, episode 9.

Everyone’s plans coincidentally fall through, as they only can on a sit-com and Carla hosts dinner for the gang. It ends in an epic food fight where we nearly get to see Norm’s wife, Vera. Find it on Amazon, Netflix and Hulu

9. The Office,, season 7, episode 9.

Dwight hosts a fall festival in the parking lot so he can crown himself Hay King while Ryan tries to sell the office on his uber-connectivity app Find it on Netflix.

8. New Girl, season 4 episode 9, Bangsgiving

This episode features the gang staying home for Thanksgiving in their L.A. loft. As fate would have it, they all happen to be single at the time, so they set up a Secret Santa sort of arrangement where they draw names from a hat and they have to invite a Bangsgiving date for the person they picked. Hijinks ensue. Find it on Peacock.

7. South Park, season 4 episode 13, Hellen Keller! The Musical

I think that the title, Hellen Keller! The Musical says all you need to know about this. Find it on HBOMax.

6. That 70’s Show, season 1, episode 9, Thanksgiving


Eric gets hit on by his sister’s slutty friend and Donna is not happy about it. Eric’s mom Kitty is stressed about Red’s mom coming to dinner and they both forget to pick her up. Find it on Amazon Prime Video

5. Seinfeld, season 6, episode 8, The Mom and Pop store

Elaine helps her boss, Mr. Pitt, win a contest to pilot the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. His joy is short lived when Jerry drops an Empire State Building statue out the window and punctures the Woody Woodpecker balloon. In this episode Jerry walks around in a new pair of slippery cowboy boots and George buys a LeBaron convertible that he believes belonged to actor Jon Voight. Find it on Netflix.

4. WKRP in Cincinnati, season 1 episode 7, Turkeys Away

Yes, this is definitely an oldie, but it’s definitely one of the funniest Thanksgiving episodes of any show I’ve ever seen. If you don’t know the WKRP in Cincinnati series, it’s definitely worth a watch, and this episode is laugh out loud funny. Find it on AppleTV and Amazon Prime.

3. Roseanne, season 4 episode 10, We Gather Together

The Connors always knew how to make great holiday episodes. Their Halloween episodes are legendary and their Thanksgivings aren’t far behind. Find it on Amazon Prime Video.

2. How I Met Your Mother, season 3 episode 9, Slapsgiving

Due to a bet from a previous season, Marshall won the right to slap Barney 5 times over the rest of their lifetimes. He decides that Thanksgiving, aka Slapsgiving, is just the right day after building the suspense for weeks. At the end Marshall plays the piano and sings a song about the slap. Find it on Hulu

1. Friends, The One with All the Thanksgivings, Season 5, Episode 8

This episode of course has Monica with the turkey on her head, but it’s also got a bunch of fun flashbacks from the gangs Thanksgivings as well as their distant past. Find it on Netflix.

That’s my Top Ten. If you’ve got some favorite Thanksgiving episodes from other shows, please put them in the comments ! I hope you’re having a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Jesus of Suburbia

I’m posting this because one person on the internet found and read this today. It’s a post that I wrote in July of 2011. When it showed up in my stats that someone had found this through Google, I honestly could not remember what this was about. So I read it and I thought to myself, “This is pretty damn funny and I’m sure some other strangers on the internet would enjoy this.” 

(July 21, 2011) Well, it happened again. God spoke to someone through the image of Jesus Christ on a receipt from a South Carolina Walmart. Oh wait, that’s never happened before.

Apparently Gentry Lee Sutherland and her fiancée’ Jacob Simmons. Yes, her name is ‘Gentry Lee’. If that isn’t a sign her parents worshipped Satan I don’t know what is. She and Jacob picked up a few things at Walmart, left the receipt on their kitchen table and a few days later when they looked at the receipt the image of Jesus Christ was on the receipt. Then again, take a look at that picture, how can we be sure that’s not Osama Bin Laden or Ted Nugent or Jesus’ lesser known brother Dominick, speaking to us through the receipt? And if it is Ted Nugent, I’m curious about what he has to say. He hasn’t put out an album in like forever!

I’ve got to give credit to whomever is speaking through the Walmart receipt. Apparently they’ve given up the age-old, tried and true method of speaking to their followers by placing their image on toast, pancakes, potato chips, or a water stain on a wall.

Think about it; if you are an omnipotent deity with cosmic powers, are you going to screw around putting your likeness on something that by chance could fall into the hands or mouth of an atheist at a pub who looks at his cheese doodle and says, “Oh look mate, there’s a face on my cheese doodle, crunch, crunch, crunch. Hey bartender, we’re out of cheese doodles over here.”

If God is an omnipotent deity with cosmic powers and does want to speak to his or her followers (See? I put his or her. Look how enlightened I am. I hear the chicks dig that),  why wouldn’t he or she send us all a text message? I’m pretty sure that omnipotence includes mastery of modern technology. Or perhaps take over Netflix. “Hi everyone, this is God here. I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this important message…”

When I’m a deity I’m not going to waste my time putting my face in snack foods or receipts. People will wake up one day and suddenly there will be an extra head on Mt. Rushmore, or the Eiffel Tower will be bent into the shape of my profile. That’s how you get the word out that you’re the guy to worship.

Either these snack food/receipt Gods aren’t very bright, or the people who see them are just seeing what they want to see. And if putting your face in people’s food is the way Gods go about getting publicity, why doesn’t anyone claim to see Satan in their Corn Flakes? If Coke is running a big add campaign you can bet Pepsi will counter it. Satan needs to get off his fiery, red ass and get to work. He’s losing customers. Then again, how many of you women have eaten a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching a Lifetime movie on a lonely Saturday night and said, “The devil made me do it”?

If you get the “Jesus of Suburbia” reference in the title of this post and explain it in a comment below you win 10,000 Phil Factor points that can be redeemed for a t-shirt at The Phil Factor gift shop. If you enjoy my nonsense follow me on X @ThePhilFactor so that you can say “I knew him before he started showing up on people’s receipts and potato chips.”

Have a great Thursday! Thanks for reading! ~ Phil

Ranking The Top Ten Holidays Worldwide

In the States and many other countries, the “holiday season” is here. It occurred to me that I should probably rank the holidays and let you argue with me.

I’ll try to avoid being United States centric. Sure we’ve got a great country with some arse kicking holidays, but thanks to my 18 years in the blogosphere I’ve been exposed to other cultures and subsequently I realize that my point of view isn’t the only point of view. I’d love to hear your thoughts on your favorite holidays and how you think that they stack up against the best holidays in the world.

10. Easter: Nothing like starting my list with a little bit of blasphemy. Easter gets the nod here because as a child on Easter, I would wake up and my parents would have hidden my Easter basket full of candy somewhere in the house. I loved the challenge of having to solve a mystery to get my candy. And then candy for breakfast! They hid my Easter basket every year until I was 18. On the Easter when I was an 18 year old college student I was so disappointed to wake up and discover that they had just left my Easter basket in front of my bedroom door.

9. Bhodi Day: What is Bhodi Day? It’s a Buddhist holiday celebrating Buddha’s enlightenment under a Bhodi tree. Because there are many different Buddhists and Buddhist calendars all over the world, the holiday is celebrated on different dates. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will make sure Bhodi Day always happens on a Friday so we can have a long weekend.

8. Valentine’s Day: A holiday all about love! How could I possibly rank it this low? It was a tough call. Who doesn’t love love? Nobody, right? Nope. That’s not true. People who want a romantic partner and don’t have one are never happy on Valentine’s Day.

7. Eid al-Fitr: If you’re not familiar, Eid al-Fitr is massive feast that Muslims have to celebrate the end of Ramadan, which is a month in which they don’t eat from dawn to dusk each day. I’m all in for a giant feast anytime, especially after fast. I intermittent fast sometimes and I’m ready to binge eat after six hours!

This is a great picture. Thanks People Magazine

6. Day of the Dead: It’s Mexico’s Halloween but it lasts two days! I want to move to San Diego so I can celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31st and then drive across the border and celebrate Day of the Dead for two days. That’s three Halloween days in a row. If Day of the Dead is two days long, then why isn’t it Days of the Dead plural?

5. Halloween: I love the celebration of spooky things. And c’mon! Kids dressing up in costumes and getting free stuff from strangers? I can’t see how that could possibly go wrong! Adults have the opportunity to dress up as their true selves and get drunk at parties. What’s not to like?

4. Diwali: I highlighted this one last weekend. A densely packed population getting drunk and setting off fireworks is tough to beat.

3. Christmas: It’s tough to beat the run up to this holiday. The decorating and complete culture overhaul for one month are not matched by any other holiday.

This one is available on Amazon

2. Hannukah: Gasp! What? He ranked Hannukah over Christian Christmas?!!? Blasphemy! Nope, it’s not blasphemy. It’s simple math. Eight days of presents vs. one day of presents.

1. New Year: Whether it’s New Year in Times Square or the Chinese New Year, the celebration of the beginning of a new calendar year is universal. I have to say that I really respect China for ignoring the rest of the world and having their own New Year celebration 6 weeks later. I also hope that there a lot of people in China who celebrate both New Years. If it’s the best holiday, why not do it twice?

Those are my rankings. How would you rank them? Is there another holiday or two that you want on the list? Answer in the comment section below!

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Happy Diwali! or दीपावली की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं !

Pic courtesy of University of Central Florida

In the “States” and many other countries we may be excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, but we’re overlooking a big holiday that is occurring tomorrow. Because of the continued popularity of my post Real Sexting Conversations to Read in Hindi? I thought I would branch out my humorous holiday coverage to include the Hindu holiday of Diwali, which starts tomorrow. Before we go any further, Hindi is the language that is spoken by most, or is it moist, people in India? Let’s face it, everyone in India is probably moist all the time. It’s more overpopulated than Miami during Spring break and the average winter temp in India is 107 degrees Fahrenheit (42 C). Ok, Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion. You can speak Hindi without being Hindu and vice-versa, but most people who speak Hindi happen to be Hindu.
I figured that because so many Hindi people also visit my site for dating advice, like I gave in my post How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex , that I would continue to court their growing influence in the blogosphere by writing about one of their biggest holidays. For the rest of you, here is some info to help you understand why this is such a big holiday: Diwali, or Deepavali, as it is sometimes called. Look, I know there are a lot of people in India, but why can’t you all agree on one name for the holiday? The rest of us have Christmas period. We don’t call it anything else. Diwali is the Festival of Lights. It’s a celebration of light over darkness, or good over evil. Good over evil? Awesome. Who isn’t down with that, right? It’s like having a Batman holiday. It’s also an official holiday not just in India, but in eleven other countries. Let’s face it, if you’re not down with Diwali then you ain’t jolly. Feel free to quote me. I’m pretty sure that’s going to be a big saying in India.
Why would you need “eye health safety tips for Diwali”? Because it’s like our Fourth of July/Independence Day in the States. On Diwali, all the Hindus get lit! They don’t get lit in the sense of drinking a lot, or do they? I imagine that the Feni will be flowing freely in Mumbai tomorrow as they celebrate the Festival of Lights by lighting candles and fireworks until the wee hours of the morning. Something like one tenth of the Earth’s population is in India. Nobody has more than 6 inches of personal space, and on one day each year they all start fires. I don’t see how that could possibly go wrong! The fire departments in India earn their keep on Diwali. There are literally tons of fire accidents on Diwali, so read this article to help you stay safe and alive during Diwali. No one wants to leave Diwali in a funeral trolley. That’s not a saying in India yet, but mark my Hindi words, this time next year some marketing dude in India is going to make this the tag line for a public service announcement. Here it is in Hindi: कोई भी एक अंतिम संस्कार ट्राली में दीवाली छोड़ना चाहता है. And tomorrow, someone in India who reads this will say it to their friends moments before one of them blows off a finger or two with firecrackers.
I love the angry baby memes. I wonder if one day in 20 years we’ll see a picture of the angry baby then and now. Anyway, for those of you who are not Hindu, I hope you learned a little more about another culture today and for all my Hindi speaking readers, if you drink too much don’t get into a brawly on Diwali. Yeah, I could do this all day. दीपावली की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं ! <–That may or may not be me and my Hindi readers making fun of the rest of you. For all you Netflix watchers, go look up The Office episode about Diwali. Very funny. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Another Reason Why I Should Be Sexiest Man Alive 2023

Because I psychically predicted Patrick Dempsey as this years SMA.

I posted this picture with my annual Sexiest Man Alive post yesterday before they announced the 2023 Sexiest Man Alive last night. When you stop looking at my giant head, look down at the right corner. Who is there? Patrick Dempsey. My psychic ability subconsciously pulled him into my blog post.

If you look on Patrick Dempsey’s blog, there’s no mention of me. He’s not psychic. He’s just a guy. People Magazine, you got it wrong again.  SMH

Have a great day folks! ~Phil

Why I Should Be This Years “Sexiest Man Alive”

Am I serious? Abso-fecking-lutely! And we will find out tomorrow who People Magazine will bestow the title to.

Back in September People Magazine posted a poll on their website to determine this years Sexiest Man Alive. Here are the contenders:

Look at that! I shout in disgust. Nine dolts are up for consideration. Not a lot of rocket scientists in that bunch eh? Although, to be fair, Trevor Noah is pretty sharp. The rest making their living repeating words other, smarter people, wrote for them. You see who’s missing right? Again it appears that People Magazine is spitefully leaving me off the list just to make a point. The following list is why I’m a better choice than each and every one of these reprobates.

Harry Styles: He dated Taylor Swift, just to climb the ladder, like Travis Kelce. I, on the other hand, will never date Taylor Swift, and HERE’S WHY (click the link you dolt)

Keanu Reeves: As beloved as Keanu Reeves is, the truth is that he’s a Canadian.  Thanks to the Republican party, no one from outside the United States is eligible for an award bestowed within the continental United States.

Ryan Gosling: If Ryan Gosling is so famous, then why did I have to Googleblond guy from Barbie”? His best role was as “Dad” in a Drunk History episode in 2011. He’s a has been. If that Drunk History role didn’t put him over the top, nothing will. Also his last name means baby goose. Is it even possible for a baby goose to be sexy? If he is so hot, then why wasn’t the movie called Ken?

Cillian Murphy: I’m all about supporting my fellow Irishmen, but he’s the dude they picked for a movie about the first nuclear bombs. He is truly the face of evil. Me? I’m only 26% evil at most.

Trevor Noah: He’s the only one that I consider legitimate competition. He writes his own material and is a talented stand-up comedian. But, sadly for him, he comes from South Africa, so the Republican’s have shot down his chances before we even voted.

Michael B. Jordan: Seriously Mike, what’s with the man-bun? When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to ban the man-bun. That would make it the ban bun.

Also, you take the legendary name Michael Jordan? Are you trying to gravy train off the NBA legend? Do you think you’re the Michael Jordan of acting? Get your own name and see how Hollywood likes you as Ernie Whistlewhile.

Picture credit Vanity Fair

Jeremy Allen White: I honestly didn’t know who he was until this morning. I had heard of The Bear, but I had never heard of Jeremy. Just because your show is popular, that doesn’t mean that you are. Get back to me when you get a spot on Drunk History. And, ugh, adding the middle name or initial is so fake pretentious. Get over yourself Jerry.

Pic credit

Pedro Pascal: OK, good actor. Been in a lot of stuff, but if he is the sexiest man alive, why did they cover his mediocre face in a helmet for 90% of every episode of The Mandalorian? I imagine at his audition the director thought, “Man, he nailed the lines and the vibe of the character, but that face! Ugh! What can we do about that?  Oh, and btw, he probably spent about two years with helmet hair. That is decidedly not sexy. My hair, however, is spectacular.

Joe Burrow: If you’re not familiar with him, he is an American football Quarterback. To be honest, I was going to go into this and make fun of his extravagant game day outfits, but to be honest, I’m kind of down with it. The more ridiculous the better. I like somebody that unabashedly decides to do what they want. If you want to see more of Joe’s outfits, CLICK THIS. He’s kind of the Harry Styles of American football, but Sexiest Man Alive? Nope, not yet. Win a Super Bowl Joe and you get my vote.

So why me for Sexiest Man Alive? Just because the other guys are famous doesn’t mean they are  sexier than me. Think about this; part of being an actor is the fact that sometimes you’re completely unemployed. In fact, at this very moment all of them may be unemployed and completely without health insurance! Me? Fully employed and insured.

You know that actors and athlete’s all have very active nightlife and are rarely home.  You know what I think women find sexy? A man who comes home at night with flowers, helps clean up from dinner, takes the kids to the park and then sits down with a glass of wine next to you on the couch while you watch those ridiculous cooking and home improvement shows. Of course if I had a nightlife, or friends in real life who invited me out that would be different, but I don’t, so consequently, I’m sexy as hell to real women who want a real man. I’m not even sure I can find my Hammer pants anymore. Is that still a thing?

There’s no need for you to stroke my ego in the comments. What I’m more interested is is who, not just on this list, but in the whole world, do you think should be this years Sexiest Man Alive, and why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil