Vote For Your Favorite!

In the United States we will be electing a new President in about 5 weeks, so I thought I’d help everyone practice their voting skills with a poll to vote on at the end of the post. This is my quarterly “Fun with Search Terms” post where I highlight some of the more unusual search terms that have brought people to #ThePhilFactor over the last three months.

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download funny images of life why so stressI’d find life very stressful if my language skills were as basic as this person.

I think I’m a little allgic to nuts: Apparently this persons tongue and fingers were swollen from their allgic reaction to the point that he/she couldn’t type. That’s very allgic. For future reference, if you do have an allgic reaction please call an ambulance before coming to The Phil Factor.

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Person shit on carpet cartoon: How proud am I that Google has decided that my blog is the answer to this search?

I should have jokes: That’s a great idea. Maybe I should get some jokes for my blog. Was Google telling someone to find jokes on The Phil Factor, or was it making a suggestion for me?

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A cartoon dog saying whatever: A cartoon dog? Which one? Snoopy, Brian, Underdog, Scooby Doo, Goofy, Hong Kong Phooey, Clifford, Lady, the Tramp? Someone needs to narrow their search. Who’s your favorite cartoon dog?

Kardashian predictions: As embarrassing as this might be, I am in fact the world’s most accurate Kardashian psychic.

Lying about where you are: You know the joke in movies and TV shows where someone says, “If I die, delete my browser history!” Yeah, that’s because they were at #ThePhilFactor.

What is Michael Phelps job: Whatever it is, at least it keeps him busy enough that he’s not out vandalizing mini-mart bathrooms like teammate Ryan Lochte.

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Real sexting conversations to read in Hindi: This was by far the most frequently searched term that brings people to my blog. Literally about 50 times a day.

Horniestintheland.com: Some are born to greatness while others have it thrust upon them, (pun maybe intended)

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! You Can’t Handle The Truth

(09/12/2015) That’s right. You can’t handle the truth. But the truth is that I know. I know beyond a reasonable doubt…

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I was on a jury for a trial this past week. Shocking, right? Apparently they felt that my celebrity wouldn’t disrupt the trial proceedings too much. Actually, as the trial was going on, before the judge dismissed the jurors each evening he reminded us not to talk to anyone about the trial and not to share details of the trial on “social media such as Facebook, MySpace, or blogs.” I won’t give any specific information about the trial participants or charges here. I will however make fun of some aspects of the experience that I found humorous.

I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but I’m probably not like other people. For years now I’ve yearned to be on a jury. I came close once. This time however, I was chosen pretty quickly. When they called our names I was the second one and I literally had to restrain myself from fist bumping the woman next to me.

My joy was further extended when, in giving the chosen ones a talking to about the gravity and importance of our task, the judge became only the third adult I’ve ever heard to reference my favorite historical document, the Magna Carta. The first adult since my high school social studies teacher, Mr. Hampton, to reference it was me in my Nov. 2014 post Ten Useless Things We Learned in School.  My excitement about my Magna Carta involvement was somewhat tempered when I found out that being a juror does not mean that we get to sign the Magna Carta.

But Phil, you’re saying, give us the details, the crime, the C.S.I evidence. We want the good stuff! First off, the real crime is that the Baha Men didn’t have more long term commercial success, and yes, that is related to the trial. I do feel fortunate however to have been witness to one of the greatest moments in legal history, fictional or otherwise. First, my favorite moments in legal history are:

1) In the 1947 classic Christmas movie Miracle on 34th Street, when Fred Gailey has the post office deliver the Dear Santa letters to Santa Claus in the courtroom. Genius! I want him as my lawyer.

2. From the 1992 movie A Few Good Men, the exchange between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson that contains “You can’t handle the truth!”

3. From  1992’s My Cousin Vinny“the two yutes…”

And now, for your consideration, I’d like to add the following to the list of greatest moments in legal history:

This is an actual exchange I witnessed in the courtroom between a cross examining defense attorney and a sworn under oath witness:

Attorney: So, you let the dogs out?

Witness: Yes.

When that happened, in my mind I pictured myself jumping up from my seat in the jury box and thrusting my fist skyward and “Yes! We finally know!” I didn’t do that, however I did look around at my fellow jurors to see if anyone else was trying to suppress a smirk. And nobody was. Then, the next day during deliberations I requested that the court transcriptionist read back a section of testimony that contained the exchange, not to hear the exchange again, but to refresh our memories on other details.  Nothing. No reaction . That’s when I thought to myself, this is definitely not a jury of my peers.  How many of you would have heard it the way I did?

You may not think much of this post, but damn, I referenced the Magna Carta, great movie courtroom moments, and possibly the catchiest song ever. It’s hard to beat that kind of entertainment and variety. If you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace button below. (Don’t look. There’s no MySpace button, but I laughed in my head when the judge said MySpace in court) Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Best Captains

If Sgt. Pepper had been promoted, this would have been an easier list. At the end please tell me your favorite or who you would add that I missed.

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10. Captain Jack Sparrow is the only captain on this list wearing eye liner.

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9. Captain Underpants: See? Not all captains are pirates or in the military! If you’re not familiar, Captain Underpants is a series of graphic novels, sort of, aimed at the 8-12 year old boys demographic, much like my blog.

Worst picture I've ever put on #ThePhilFactor

Worst picture I’ve ever put on #ThePhilFactor

8. Captain & Tennille: A cheesy husband/wife musical duo from the 70’s. The Captains “real” name is Daryl Dragon. He and Tennille used to wife swap with Tony Orlando and Dawn.

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7. Captain Morgan: Aaaand we’re back to the pirate theme. After this famous Englihman got done plundering Puerto Rico they named a rum after him.

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6. Captain America: This virtuous warrior always beats Captain England in a fight.

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5. Captain Hook:  That hook for a hand had to crimp his style with the ladies, but on the bright side he always had a corkscrew with him.

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4. Captain and Coke: If you sneak a flask of rum into the movies in your purse or under your coat, you can buy a large coke at concessions and you’re good to go for the next two hours. It makes any movie funnier.

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3. Captain Kangaroo was the main character on a terrible children’s show when I was a kid. Ironically, the show never featured an actual kangaroo, so I’m not sure who he was Captain over.

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2. Captain Kirk: He was a bad ass before the phrase bad ass was invented.

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1. Cap’n Crunch: I’d never disrespect the inventor of crunchberries by calling him “Captain” instead of Cap’n. Pretty sure he’d shiv me with a sharpened spoon and then use it to eat his breakfast over my cold, dead body. How’s that for a bad ass Captain?

Those are the ten best captains I could think of. Did I miss any of your favorites?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Captain Phil

Music Monday! Grouplove: Welcome To Your Life

Grouplove is an American indie rock band from Los Angeles. This song is from their third studio album that was released in July. I’ve featured this band before, and like all their music, this one is pure fun and a great way to start your week.

Have a great Monday!~ Phil

Dirty Dancing With The Stars?

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

To be honest, I’ve never watched an episode, but then again, when has having only half-assed knowledge of anything stopped me from making fun of it? I was first going to write one of my Pop Culture Commando posts where I hit on several trending pop culture topics, but…

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

But then protesters stormed the DWTS stage during a taping to protest the participation of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who is more famous for drunkenly vandalizing a gas station bathroom and lying about it than he is for anything else. As much as I’d like to mock Ryan Lochte some more, I have to say, really protesters? Ryan Lochte? This is what your life has come to? You’re apparently OK with racism, terrorism, Trump and Hillary, Brexit, and human trafficking, but Ryan Lochte lying about kicking in a mini-mart bathroom door has put you over the edge? 

bismarcktribune.com

bismarcktribune.com

Like I said, I was just going to hit on several pop culture topics today, but then I read the cast list for this seasons DWTS and my jaw dropped. Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) and Vanilla Ice! Are you kidding me? That is kitschy television gold right there! And Ryan Lochte? And about a dozen people I may never had heard of, including Laurie Hernandez who “burst onto the Senior Elite gymnastics scene in 2016…”  First of all, I had no idea there was a Senior Elite gymnastics scene! I’m imagining a scene like the opening of Fame where the group of kids are dancing in the street, except it’s old ladies with walkers slowly trying to do a somersault on the ground without breaking a hip. What does Senior Elite gymnastics scene even mean? Was she best at Jazzercise at her local gym? Before Laurie Hernandez finds me and kicks my ass, I will say that she is definitely not a geriatric and is attractive enough to distract me from my Maureen McCormick love for the few minutes she’s on the screen. Here’s a picture of Laurie:

She does not look very senior does she?

She does not look very senior does she?

Marcia, Marcia Marcia! That’s obviously what DWTS is all about this year. I don’t know how many of you in other countries are aware of The Brady Bunch, but when I was just a lad too young to know manly things, I did know that Marcia Brady was smokin’ hot. Had things turned out differently and the show had hired me instead of Robbie Rist to play Cousin Oliver, Marcia and I might be married right now. And, if I were to be into dudes my man-crush would be Vanilla Ice. And DWTS has put him in the cast too!

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Here is where I’d like to add some Phil to DWTS: What if DWTS wasn’t a show about celebs pairing up with professional dance instructors to compete? What if it was celebs pairing up with each other with no professional instruction at all? How hilarious would it be to see these idiots stumble and fumble through a waltz like the rest of us drunk at a wedding reception? Even better would be to get the celebs drunk before they dance! Obviously, the pinnacle of the show this year would be if Vanilla Ice sprains an ankle and they tab a certain humor blogger as his replacement to dance with Maureen. I would SO do the Dirty Dancing scene where she jumps and I hold her over my head.

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Go ahead, picture that but with me and Marcia Brady…Nobody puts Philly in a corner.

Have a great Saturday everyone! ~Phil

TBT! The Standing Dead

Yes, it's a real movie

Yes, it’s a real movie

(Oct. 27, 2012)  No, this isn’t about the Zombie apocalypse show on AMC. It’s about airline passengers. Do I really need to capitalize Zombie? Who will be offended if I don’t, zombies? When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, which both happen in November, I’m going to change a lot of things about how the airlines are run.

I had to travel for work this past week. In general I like traveling, but air travel definitely has it’s drawbacks. Sometimes those drawbacks are the other passengers. The passengers that particularly frustrate me are those with wildly inaacurate imaginations. These people seem to imagine that as soon as the planes wheels hit the ground that they can leap from the seat, sashay down the aisle and exit the plane to their waiting chariot. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were just one passenger who had this little exit fantasy playing in their heads. Unfortunately for the sane passengers, at least half of every planes occupants believe that they will quickly and easily exit the plane.

You know this would be me

You know this would be me

What actually occurs is that as soon as the plane touches the ground at least 50 people literally leap to an upright position and the overhead compartments are flung open as they engage in a tug of war with the laws of physics to get their Mini Cooper sized bag out of the tiny overhead compartment that they had compacted it into. Then as gravity takes control they usually hit at least one fellow paasenger when the bag finally pops free and plummets to the aisle. As soon as that bag hits the floor they turn and face forward impatiently. If it was just one idiot standing at the plane door impatiently tapping his foot that would be fine. Unfortunately half the plane seems to do this and then to no one’s surprise they stand there for 20 minutes while we taxi and wait for a gate and then for the door to be open That’s why I call them The Standing Dead. They are definitely not walking anywhere at this point. If you’re a passenger wise enough to sit and wait until this airline zombie apocalypse passes you are stuck with The Standing Deads asses right at face level about a foot from your head for the interminable 20 minutes. Sure, if it’s my ass someone has to look at, 20 minutes is perfectly fine, maybe a bit short in fact, but most of these Standing Dead do not appear to have been to a Zumba class recently.

I hope your travels today are incredible. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to read more you can follow me on Twiiter @ThePhilFactor. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Reasons I’m Not a Kardashian

I know it’s hard to believe that I’m not yet a member of the Kardashian family. Here are the ten reasons why:

very obviously a legitimate photo

very obviously a legitimate photo

10. Kanye West. In the immortal words of Stan Lee, “nuff said.

9. The publicity: Obviously, I hate drawing attention to my self.

8. Kanye West

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7. Because my parents weren’t Kardashians: Jeez, you people are kind of slow. Do I have to explain everything?

6. They haven’t gotten around to proposing to me yet: Truth be told, there’s only one I’d say yes to.

5. Kanye West

Me in my underwear with a pug. How great would that be?

Me in my underwear with a pug. How great would that be?

4. Kris is single, but she’s too old for me: Because so many of you have clicked on and ordered my books (in the right sidebar) I am wealthy enough that I don’t need to go gold digging. In fact, the Kardashians are gold digging for me.

3. I want my own reality show: You hear that networks? I’m a one man show. I don’t need anyone else to bump up at the ratings. Have you looked at my blog stats?

2. Kanye West

Fortunately, I do get to read my own blog.

Fortunately, I do get to read my own blog.

1. I’m too famous for the Kardashians: Once, because I’m a huge fan, I asked to be on their show. They turned me down because they feared my high brow audience would want more of me and less of them.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil