We may be going to different Super Bowl parties this weekend, but alot of the people at our parties will be eerily similar and equally irritating. Read on and see if you can identify these folks at your party this Sunday. If you can’t, you’re probably one of them.
The Gambler: He may know when to hold’em but he doesn’t know when to fold’em or when to shut up. This guy always wants you to know the “over/under” and how much he’s got riding on the game. And he spends most of the game fuming and stomping around every time an officials “b.s.” call threatens to upset the point spread he wants. He usually has a “prop bet” on the coin toss too. Unfortunately if the game doesn’t go his way The Gambler turns into The Belligerent Drunk. That is unless the black lab covers the spread in his bet on The Puppy Bowl.
The Referee: This tool has to explain every official ruling on the field as if he’s calculating a quadratic equation. He’ll usually say something like: “Well that was an illegal formation because the half-caff flanker position moved from a three point stance to a two point stance without waiting for a pause in the snap count while the rigamarole motion was ad infinitum. Now normally the refs would let that go but because of the down and distance and clock situation they were forced to call it.” Yeah thanks coach, I can’t imagine why you don’t win your fantasy football league every year.
The Commercial Lover: I hate to stereotype, but this is usually a woman. We all know her. She has no clue about what teams are in the game and often thinks that one teams “costumes are pretty.” She usually says, “Oh I love the Super Bowl because of the commercials. I heard this year that Doritos and Coca Cola combined for a commercial where The Pope break dances with a 3-D video of Michael Jackson. Oh wait, wait, wait, QUIET EVERYBODY, I think this is it. SHHHHH…I want to see this one. Did you see that? That was so funny! Oh my god! BEST Super Bowl commercial EVER!” Usually I’m secretly rooting for the drunk, belligerent gambler to punch her in the forehead.
Team Jersey Guy: This guy arrives at the party first and only brings a bag of chips. He grabs a beer and immediately plants his un-athletic physique in the recliner directly across from the television a half hour before kick off and won’t leave that seat until the game is over. If you’re the homeowner you might as well just haul that chair out to the curb after the game. You won’t want to keep it. He doesn’t even get up to get another beer. “Oh, hey, if you’re going out to the kitchen could you grab me a brewski?” Once he’s settled in he’s almost as bad as The Gambler. Team Jersey Guy is also the pleasant guy who tries to wave your children out of the way if they walk in front of the t.v. during the game and you swear his head will explode if one of the kids even mentions switching the channel to The Puppy Bowl.
This year be sure to look for The Phil Factor commercial during the halftime show. If you miss that you can still subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.