The Standing Dead

No, this isn’t about the Zombie apocalypse show on AMC. It’s about airline passengers. Do I really need to capitalize Zombie? Who will be offended if I don’t, zombies? When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, which both happen in November, I’m going to change a lot of things about how the airlines are run.

I had to travel for work this past week. In general I like traveling, but air travel definitely has it’s drawbacks. Sometimes those drawbacks are the other passengers. The passengers that particularly frustrate me are those with wildly inaacurate imaginations. These people seem to imagine that as soon as the planes wheels hit the ground that they can leap from the seat, sashay down the aisle and exit the plane to their waiting chariot. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were just one passenger who had this little exit fantasy playing in their heads. Unfortunately for the sane passengers, at least half of every planes occupants believe that they will quickly and easily exit the plane. 

What actually occurs is that as soon as the plane touches the ground at least 50 people literally leap to an upright position and the overhead compartments are flung open as they engage in a tug of war with the laws of physics to get their Mini Cooper sized bag out of the tiny overhead compartment that they had compacted it into. Then as gravity takes control they usually hit at least one fellow paasenger when the bag finally pops free and plummets to the aisle. As soon as that bag hits the floor they turn and face forward impatiently. If it was just one idiot standing at the plane door impatiently tapping his foot that would be fine. Unfortunately half the plane seems to do this and then to no one’s surprise they stand there for 20 minutes while we taxi and wait for a gate and then for the door to be open That’s why I call them The Standing Dead. They are definitely not walking anywhere at this point. If you’re a passenger wise enough to sit and wait until this airline zombie apocalypse passes you are stuck with The Standing Deads asses right at face level about a foot from your head for the interminable 20 minutes. Sure, if it’s my ass someone has to look at, 20 minutes is perfectly fine, maybe a bit short in fact, but most of these Standing Dead do not appear to have been to a Zumba class recently. 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to read more you can follow me on Twiiter @ThePhilFactor, follow me on and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons in the Amazon Kindle bookstore and the iTunes bookstore. The Barnes and Noble Nook bookstore folks are taking their time preparing their system for the onslaught of Phil fans, but it will get there eventually too. 



4 responses to “The Standing Dead

  1. I'm glad you're finding the time to blog more frequently again.

    I always thought it was only the people from my country that did that. Then I realized it was everybody everywhere. Now I just sit and doze off for an extra 20 minutes while the scramble extinguishes itself. My backpack is always underneath the seat in front of me anyways, I don't even use the overhead compartments.

    The best revenge is when they bus you to your gate instead of letting you out directly. I am usually the last person on the bus, but the first person to get out 😛

  2. That's exactly why I prefer the window seat. I can turn and gaze out at the tarmac and wait for the standing dead to depart.

  3. This post was both “so true” and laugh out loud funny. The “Zumba” comment was classic.

  4. I tend to be the type of person that jumps up as soon as the seat belt sign goes off. Normally because I've been sitting on my arse for 11 hours and I just need to stretch. I wish I could be one of those people that just continue to sit for another 20 minutes whilst everyone gets off the plane, but nope I'm not that patient.

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