Another form of cell phone people whom I hate are the “Cell Schizos.” That second word is pronounced skit-zoes, as in schizophrenic. Until the cell phone headset was invented the only people who walked around talking to themselves were schizophrenics who were hallucinating. How many times have you found yourself walking along in a store and suddenly someone is walking alongside you, apparently talking to you, so you turn to them and say, “What?” Then they just ignore you and keep walking because they’re having a conversation on their headset. Or you’re walking down the street and you see someone walking along, talking loudly and gesturing wildly? At first you think they’re crazy until you see a tiny headset under their hair. When I become President I’m going to pass a law making it perfectly legal to punch a cell schizo right in the mouth if they annoy you in either of the aforementioned ways.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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