Damn! It’s getting scary going out for lunch lately, and I didn’t even find a finger in my chili! I work across the street from an Arby’s and occasionally I walk over to pick up some lunch. The other day I walked over and got in line, wondering why in the world anyone would wait in line for Arby’s food? Not having an answer to that question either way, I continued to wait. Then I asked myself, why in the world anyone would wait in line at Arby’s with these people? The collection of miscreants and straight line family tree people was astounding. I thought that the carnival must be in town. First off I noticed the counter girl, Fatira. I’ve got to think that if you start life with the word “fat” as the first part of your name, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Maybe it was just my impatience, but I think Fatira was asleep on her feet. Her eyelids were at half-mast as she moved behind the counter as if she was underwater. I also noticed that she had her pants “sagging.” Sagging is that oh so stylish teen trend of wearing your pants beneath your ass with a belt wrapped around your legs to keep them up. Maybe it was the pants that slowed her down. Next to me was a cell phone person. Yep, one of the ones who’s wearing the earpiece with the little wrap around microphone. When he got to the counter I’m sure Fatira wasn’t sure if he was taking her order or she his. If you’re so freakin’ important that you need to talk hands-free every minute of your day then I think you’re too important to be waiting in line at Arby’s. Shouldn’t one of your Secret Service guards be getting your lunch for you? Then behind me was a guy who actually was in line to return his fries because they weren’t fresh enough! He turned them in and waited to get a new box of fries! They’re sticks of fried cardboard to start with! Who promised this guy they would be fresh? This guy was certainly not the sharpest pencil in the box, but he was damn happy with his second set of fries. I’m pretty sure that Fatira just went behind the counter, counted to 10 and brought his first box of fries back to him. Needless to say, I went back for lunch there the next day. This is all just stuff I thought in 5 minutes at Arby’s. I wonder what wonderful things the other customers where thinking about me?
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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