The Male-Female Dictionary Part II: How Men Interpret The Crazy Things Women Say

As you learned in Part I, everything men say is not always what it seems. Just as it is when interpreting a foreign language, interpreting what the opposite sex says can be difficult too. Women often wonder why men don’t call the next day, or why we say we’re going to the store and then don’t come back for a week. Often it’s something you said that set us off. Men’s ability to accurately find hidden meaning in women’s words is as good as the governments ability to respond to hurricane disasters, and usually with similar results. Ladies, I’m talking to you: If you want men to know something, just say it. Don’t assume we should just know something. We don’t. We don’t know anything. Treat us as if you’re training a dog. If you want your dog to sit, you don’t give a series of elaborate hand signals and hope he figures out what you mean. That being said, here are a few examples of how women’s’ words are interpreted by perfectly normal, intelligent men.

When Women Say, “You don’t have to do anything special for my birthday. It’s no big deal”
What Women Mean is, “This is a test of our relationship and how well you know me. If you don’t get the right, thoughtful, romantic gift it will forever alter how I think of you.”
What Men Hear, “You don’t have to do anything special. It’s Ok to go out with your friends to watch football.”

When Women Say, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
What Women Mean is, “I know I’m not a supermodel, but I’d appreciate it if you’d act like you think I am. If you don’t, you have no chance to sleep with me anytime in the near future.”
What Men Hear, “DANGER! DANGER! Red Alert! Relationship test in progress! You’d better say the right thing or this relationship is over.”

When Women Say, “It’s just lunch with an old friend. Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean anything.”
What Women Mean is, “I’m meeting my old boyfriend for lunch just to see if the spark is really gone. If it is, you get to keep me.”
What Men Hear is, “I’m having lunch with someone I had sex with.”

When Women Say, “I love you.”
What Women Mean is, “My ovaries are doing back-flips just thinking about conceiving. I’ve had the wedding planned since I was 9 years old. If you don’t say ‘I love you’ back, I’m going to break up with you and tell every woman in the world that you have commitment issues.”
What Men Hear, “If you say ‘I love you’ back you can have sex with me.”

11 responses to “The Male-Female Dictionary Part II: How Men Interpret The Crazy Things Women Say

  1. Lol Phil. You seem to have hit the nail on the head!Okay…my body is still hurting…I’m going back to bed. :0(

  2. Oh my god phil, you’re hysterical!!!

  3. Heheheheh, oldies but goodies 🙂

  4. Ummm . . . could you help my husband?

  5. Once I find a nice guy to date…I think you should conduct a seminar for him and all other men. It would make our lives a lot easier.

  6. WOW… this is so not me. I don’t want kids..I don’t ask if things make me look fat…I don’t check on chemistry with exes, they are exes for a reason…and if I say don’t do anything big…that is what I mean.WOW…am I the only person who says what she means and means what she says?-N

  7. Natalia…No…take comfort in knowing that you are not. I might have a hard time with asking people for help, or opening up…but i’ll ALWAYS say what I mean..If I say, “Oh I hate surprises” it doesnt really mean, “SUPRISE me big boy” it means, “I HATE surprises, please dont ever throw me a surprise party”

  8. PP-Good to know. If this is what men really think…no wonder they are so lost.-N

  9. I don’t think all men are this stupid. Before you all switch teams, consider that I may have exaggerated slightly for comedic effect.

  10. Phil-I am laughing on the inside, darling.

  11. The does this dress make my ass look fat thing, next time say, “No honey. That red dress is amazing on you. Lady in red right there. Plus it takes me back to my youth, HEY KOOLAID!” If she smacks the snot out of you, then you did it right. 🙂Lois Lane

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