In the past 18 months I’ve gone to too many funerals and honestly they were not nearly as fun as they should have been. I think funerals should be conducted as wedding receptions are. Really, what’s the difference? People stand up and make speeches about the guests of honor at both occasions. I do think that dancing with the guest of honor at funeral would be tacky, but not out of the question. Music, dancing, drinking, and presents for the survivors of the deceased would make funerals much more popular events than they currently are. That would however bring up the question, what is a good funeral present? When I was a kid the standard gift was a casserole of some kind. It seemed like everytime anyone died my mother would bake up a casserole of some kind and send me to bring it to the grieving neighbors. Somehow I don’t think a casserole is an adequate replacement for a lost loved one. How about a plasma t.v. that could hang on the wall? Now that would be an adequate replacement for a lost loved one! (That’s a not so subtle hint for those of you that know me) And why are eulogies always so sad? I think the eulogy should be conducted as a roast of the loved one.(Not literally though) I tried this humorous strategy to mixed response at my mother’s funeral 7 months ago. On the altar of a Catholic church I suggested that since my mother was such a neat freak in life it might be appropriate to spread her ashes on the carpet and vacuum them up. She would have appreciated that. I wasn’t looking at the priest, but apparently he appeared quite aghast. Needless to say though, the right people laughed. I think every funeral should have a reception afterwards. Not the usual wake at the deceased’s house eating casseroles. Why not rent out a big banquet hall and have entertainment? If my pallbearers don’t hook up with the mourning hot chicks in the coat room at the reception I will specifically ask God to send them to Hell. (Only for a little while though) I think I’ve just found my second career. I’m going to put on funeral receptions. Entertainment, food, dancing, the works! I think people would feel a lot better about blowing thousands of dollars on a funeral if they got to have a good time at it. I’ll be The Funeral Planner! I can’t wait for the movie starring Jennifer Lopez.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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