The Olympic opening ceremonies are on television as I write this. Am I patriotic? You bet. Am I watching the opening ceremonies? Absolutely not! Is it just me or are the Olympic opening ceremonies just a cross between an elaborate drama club production and a marching band half-time show? Not only am I not interested in the opening ceremonies, but the Olympics in general are the equivalent of televised Liquid NyQuil. You can’t possibly get me to believe that virtually every Olympian has overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach their lofty goal.
Olympic Announcer 1: “Welcome to Torino, Italy. Here we are at the first round of the 10,000 Meter Cross Country Skiing Championship. The favorite in the event is the Swede, Signard Snuffleupagusmussen.”
Olympic Announcer 2: “Very few people know this, but Signard had to overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach his lofty goal.”
Olympic Announcer 1: “You don’t say? How unusual!”
Olympic Announcer 2: That’s right Announcer 1. As a child, Signard was afflicted with near paralyzing ingrown toenails. His doctors told Signard’s parents that it was possible that little Signard would have to wear open-toed shoes forever. His hopes of being an Olympic cross-country skier looked hopeless. “
Olympic Announcer 1: “Also, in a frigid, Nordic country such as Sweden, there is no season good for open-toed shoes. Fortunately for the viewers we have a 30-minute video clip of Signard training with his specially made open-toed ski boots. What courage it must have taken!”
Ok, I caved and watched a bit of the opening ceremonies as I wrote this. All I’ve got to say is that the Winter Olympics need to be cancelled because apparently there isn’t a country in the world that can find a good looking winter hat for their teams to wear. Also, I’m moving to Albania. They only had 1 Olympian. I’m pretty sure I could make the team there. The best thing that ever happened to the Olympics was when Tonya Harding and her posse tried to re-arrange Nancy Kerrigan’s kneecap. If they really wanted to do Nancy a favor they would have knocked out some of those horse sized chiclets she calls teeth.