Category Archives: Current Events

Canada Has a Day?

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends out there. For those of you wondering, Canada Day is a celebration of the founding of Tim Hortons. Or it might also be a celebration of the enactment of the Canadian constitution which united the three colonies of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada into a single entity still owned by Britain.

As an American, I feel like I have to point out that it seem’s like Canada is trying to steal our thunder by placing their holiday just before ours. And they weren’t even declaring independence. They are just celebrating that someone erased and drew some new lines on the map. They we’re still the British empires b#@ch. And they were happy about it. Or should I say aboot it?

Now our celebration, Independence Day, is a reason to celebrate. WE broke away from the British Empire to form our own country. That’s something to be proud of. Canada, I think you were just creating a holiday so you get an extra day off in the summer. But, through blogging, I have virtually met many Canadians and they could not be nicer. As a Canada Day gift to my to Canadian friends, and everyone else, the following links are to my favorite Canada posts over the last 13 years of #ThePhilFactor:

Oh Canada!  May 1, 2006

Oh Canada! I’m Lovin’ It  January 9, 2007

Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion May 11, 2013

Canada: Elaborate Winter Them Park of Dangerous Adversary? Oct. 18, 2014

Canada’s Secret Foot Fetish June 24, 2017

So there you have it. All of those an ode to my love of Canada. Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends and as it is with St. Patrick’s Day, we are all a little Canadian today, aren’t we? Think of all the great things Canada has given us: Justin Bieber, Alex Trebek, and hockey in Las Vegas. Have a great Sunday!  ~Phil

 

Young Donald

When the TV show The Big Bang Theory came on the air I thought to myself, “Sure this is amusing, but how many nerd jokes can there be?” Apparently 12 years worth was the answer to my question. In the show, Sheldon Cooper is almost a tyrant to his roommates and friends, insisting they comply with his sometimes ridiculous demands.  CBS thought it was so funny that they created another show, Young Sheldon, based on the idea of showing the childhood of quirky character Sheldon Cooper.

I feel like we have another show in the United States featuring a quirky tyrant called The U.S. Presidency. That got me to thinking, if there could be a Young Sheldon, I wonder what a young Donald would be like?

Young Donald: Dad, the kids from next door keep coming into our yard and playing on my swings.

Daddy Trump: You should build a wall to keep them out.

Young Donald: But I don’t have the money for all the materials. Hmm… I know, I’ll make them pay for it!

Daddy Trump: That’s my boy!

Young Donald: (getting a feverish look in his eyes) Yes! And I’ll lock the younger kids in our dog kennel!

Daddy Trump: Ummm…Donny…

Young Donald in school at lunch:

Other Kid: Hey Donny, I”l trade you my tuna-fish sandwich for your ham sandwich.

Young Donald: First of all, don’t call me Donny. Don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. You can trade me your tuna-fish sandwich, but you’re going to have to pay me a Twinkie tax as well.

Or maybe Young Donald in debate club:

Young Kim Jong-Un: Donald, you have to stop threatening to fight my school.  This is debate club. You can’t say you’re going to obliterate my school.

Young Donald:  Fake News! If you try to oppose  me I will rain down fire and fury on your school!

Young Kim Jong-Un: Dude, lighten up. What are you talking about? WTF is ‘fake news’?

Young Donald: You know what? If you don’t back down I’m going to come over to your school to tell you how wrong you are.

That’s it for today everybody. Have a great rest of your weekend!  And CBS, I hope you don’t sue me for borrowing the picture and your show idea.

If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner…

mirror.co.uk

Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.

Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:

Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.

Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.

The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time,
but I’m here to tell you there’s something else” 

And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s GoBOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?

enprothomalo.com

The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.

The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.

I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)

Ten Quotes! Donald Trump or Kanye West?

The Cut

You know the routine. In the comments tell me which quotes you think belong to Donald Trump and which belong to Kanye West.

10. “I’m too busy writing history to read it.”

9. “When you’re the absolute best you get hated the most.”

8. “…we build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road, they blow them up, we build again. In the meantime we can’t get a fucking school in Brooklyn.”

Next week do I go with Donald Trump vs. Shrek quotes?

7. “I have millions of ideas and I represent a new generation just trying to express themselves in a broken world. I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”

6. “You know what, Trump is doing a much better job than the Democrats did.”

5. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

4. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”

3. “I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

2. “When you hear about slavery for 400 years…For 400 years? That sounds like a choice.”

1. “It’s really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”

There you go. Can you pick which quotes are Donald Trump and which are Kanye West? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

I Hate To Say I Told You So But… I Predicted #DeleteFacebook

OK, I love to say I told you so, but I will say that I didn’t nail this one exactly or in the time frame I imagined, but I got it close enough that I’m taking credit for another correct psychic prediction.

1. Facebook will die a very sudden death. Millions will flee the social media empire when it’s revealed that the social network was started as an extension of the NSA to monitor people and collect personal data. Zuckerberg is earning approximately 10 billion a year to sell us out to the man.”

I was close. Zuckerberg was selling our data, but not to our own government. He was selling it to those that sought to influence our election and government and now, as you’ll see in many articles across the internet, millions using the hashtag #DeleteFacebook, are leaving Facebook. Zuckerberg made money selling our data and when it was discovered people left Facebook in droves. I got that right didn’t I?

Having all this psychic stuff in my head is a burden, but it would be wrong not to share my gift with the world. My next prediction is that you’ll come back here tomorrow and discover that my Saturday post is hilarious. Have a great Friday! ~Psychic Phil

Ten Quotes: Darth Vader or Donald Trump?

Since I’m on vacation, I’m posting one of my favorites from last year. I hope you enjoy it. ~Phil

Before anybody gets their knickers in a twist, I’m not trying to say anything political here. I’m just making jokes and I’d make them regardless of who the President is. I’m a registered independent. Here are ten quotes. In the comments tell me which ones belong to Darth Vader and which are from Donald Trump. Don’t be fooled by the italics either.

10. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.”

9. “In the end you’re not measured by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”

8. “Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken.”

7. “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

6. “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”

cvuecfhwoae4k4c

5. “Now release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

4. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline.” 

3. “Be careful not to choke on your convictions.”

2. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

1. ” I believe they like making me out to be something more sinister than I really am.” 

So can you guess which 5 quotes are Darth Vader and which 5 are from Trump? Show me how smart you are in the comments. Also, the quotes in italics are from both. I just alternated lines to break up the monotony.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Stephen Hawking Was Kind of A Debbie Downer

Last week the world mourned the passing of Stephen Hawking, one of the most respected and accomplished physicists on Earth. I’m sure that you looked at my title incredulously, in disbelief that I would speak ill of the dead so soon after his passing. Like Captain James Tiberius Kirk and the Enterprise, I am not afraid to go where no man has gone before.

Hawking’s final paper spells out how he sees the end of life in our universe occurring. Jeez! What a Debbie Downer. Who wants to know that? I want to imagine the Earth and our Universe going on in perpetuity. If the Earth is going to end at some point, do you want to know years ahead so you can worry about it? I sure don’t, but Stephen Hawking just had to rub our noses in it.

Another time he predicted that the Earth will eventually turn into a big ball of fire due to global warming. Come on, lighten up Francis! How about predicting something happy, like the Skittles rainbow becoming a reality? Those are the kinds of predictions I want from our scientists!

He also predicted that humans have about 100 years left on Earth before overpopulation and limited resources will force us to move to outer space. Great, thanks Steve. Say something like that but don’t offer a solution? What a gloomy Gus!

Once he threw a party for time travelers where he sent out the invitations after the party theorizing that the time travelers would travel back in time to go to the party. No one showed up. He said it was because time travel didn’t exist. I think they didn’t show up because they didn’t want to hang out with Steve and his dire predictions. He was probably terrible at small talk at parties.

Me: Hey Steve, what do you think of the Yankees chances this year?

Hawking: It does not matter. The Earth is going to explode before then. We will all be dead.

Me: (holding up my cell phone) Oh! I’m getting a call. Gotta go. (walks away, pretend talking on the phone)

In 2016 he also predicted that artificial intelligence, i.e.  robots would be taking over the Earth. Considering his voice, that’s sounds like wishful thinking coming from him.

He also predicted that if aliens visit the Earth, they’re going to be hostile! Did he not see E.T.?

Is it just me or does it seem like Little Steven had an apocalypse fixation. Like all the other apocalypse nuts that predict the end of the Earth every year, Hawking appears to be the boy who cried wolf and then made his grand exit before he could be proven wrong.

And he’s allegedly British. His accent does not sound British at all to me. Probably another tall tale! Fake news!

Yes, I know I was taking a risk with this so soon after his passing, but I wanted to challenge myself and you to find humor in a sad situation. I didn’t mean any disrespect and I assume that Mr. Hawking, who had a sense of humor,  would also be able to laugh at himself. Besides, #ThePhilFactor was his favorite blog.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil