Category Archives: Current Events

If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner…

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Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.

Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:

Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.

Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.

The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time,
but I’m here to tell you there’s something else” 

And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s GoBOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?

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The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.

The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.

I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)

Ten Quotes! Donald Trump or Kanye West?

The Cut

You know the routine. In the comments tell me which quotes you think belong to Donald Trump and which belong to Kanye West.

10. “I’m too busy writing history to read it.”

9. “When you’re the absolute best you get hated the most.”

8. “…we build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road, they blow them up, we build again. In the meantime we can’t get a fucking school in Brooklyn.”

Next week do I go with Donald Trump vs. Shrek quotes?

7. “I have millions of ideas and I represent a new generation just trying to express themselves in a broken world. I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”

6. “You know what, Trump is doing a much better job than the Democrats did.”

5. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

4. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”

3. “I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

2. “When you hear about slavery for 400 years…For 400 years? That sounds like a choice.”

1. “It’s really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”

There you go. Can you pick which quotes are Donald Trump and which are Kanye West? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

I Hate To Say I Told You So But… I Predicted #DeleteFacebook

OK, I love to say I told you so, but I will say that I didn’t nail this one exactly or in the time frame I imagined, but I got it close enough that I’m taking credit for another correct psychic prediction.

1. Facebook will die a very sudden death. Millions will flee the social media empire when it’s revealed that the social network was started as an extension of the NSA to monitor people and collect personal data. Zuckerberg is earning approximately 10 billion a year to sell us out to the man.”

I was close. Zuckerberg was selling our data, but not to our own government. He was selling it to those that sought to influence our election and government and now, as you’ll see in many articles across the internet, millions using the hashtag #DeleteFacebook, are leaving Facebook. Zuckerberg made money selling our data and when it was discovered people left Facebook in droves. I got that right didn’t I?

Having all this psychic stuff in my head is a burden, but it would be wrong not to share my gift with the world. My next prediction is that you’ll come back here tomorrow and discover that my Saturday post is hilarious. Have a great Friday! ~Psychic Phil

Ten Quotes: Darth Vader or Donald Trump?

Since I’m on vacation, I’m posting one of my favorites from last year. I hope you enjoy it. ~Phil

Before anybody gets their knickers in a twist, I’m not trying to say anything political here. I’m just making jokes and I’d make them regardless of who the President is. I’m a registered independent. Here are ten quotes. In the comments tell me which ones belong to Darth Vader and which are from Donald Trump. Don’t be fooled by the italics either.

10. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.”

9. “In the end you’re not measured by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”

8. “Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken.”

7. “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

6. “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”

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5. “Now release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

4. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline.” 

3. “Be careful not to choke on your convictions.”

2. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

1. ” I believe they like making me out to be something more sinister than I really am.” 

So can you guess which 5 quotes are Darth Vader and which 5 are from Trump? Show me how smart you are in the comments. Also, the quotes in italics are from both. I just alternated lines to break up the monotony.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Stephen Hawking Was Kind of A Debbie Downer

Last week the world mourned the passing of Stephen Hawking, one of the most respected and accomplished physicists on Earth. I’m sure that you looked at my title incredulously, in disbelief that I would speak ill of the dead so soon after his passing. Like Captain James Tiberius Kirk and the Enterprise, I am not afraid to go where no man has gone before.

Hawking’s final paper spells out how he sees the end of life in our universe occurring. Jeez! What a Debbie Downer. Who wants to know that? I want to imagine the Earth and our Universe going on in perpetuity. If the Earth is going to end at some point, do you want to know years ahead so you can worry about it? I sure don’t, but Stephen Hawking just had to rub our noses in it.

Another time he predicted that the Earth will eventually turn into a big ball of fire due to global warming. Come on, lighten up Francis! How about predicting something happy, like the Skittles rainbow becoming a reality? Those are the kinds of predictions I want from our scientists!

He also predicted that humans have about 100 years left on Earth before overpopulation and limited resources will force us to move to outer space. Great, thanks Steve. Say something like that but don’t offer a solution? What a gloomy Gus!

Once he threw a party for time travelers where he sent out the invitations after the party theorizing that the time travelers would travel back in time to go to the party. No one showed up. He said it was because time travel didn’t exist. I think they didn’t show up because they didn’t want to hang out with Steve and his dire predictions. He was probably terrible at small talk at parties.

Me: Hey Steve, what do you think of the Yankees chances this year?

Hawking: It does not matter. The Earth is going to explode before then. We will all be dead.

Me: (holding up my cell phone) Oh! I’m getting a call. Gotta go. (walks away, pretend talking on the phone)

In 2016 he also predicted that artificial intelligence, i.e.  robots would be taking over the Earth. Considering his voice, that’s sounds like wishful thinking coming from him.

He also predicted that if aliens visit the Earth, they’re going to be hostile! Did he not see E.T.?

Is it just me or does it seem like Little Steven had an apocalypse fixation. Like all the other apocalypse nuts that predict the end of the Earth every year, Hawking appears to be the boy who cried wolf and then made his grand exit before he could be proven wrong.

And he’s allegedly British. His accent does not sound British at all to me. Probably another tall tale! Fake news!

Yes, I know I was taking a risk with this so soon after his passing, but I wanted to challenge myself and you to find humor in a sad situation. I didn’t mean any disrespect and I assume that Mr. Hawking, who had a sense of humor,  would also be able to laugh at himself. Besides, #ThePhilFactor was his favorite blog.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time!

This is my bi-annual reminder that tomorrow night in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 8 or 9 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Spring, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anthying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

It is a tradition unlike any other. The nominees are eagerly lined up on the red carpet outside my house. You can feel the tension in the air and it’s electric. TMZ reporters, like flies finding fresh garbage, are buzzing about interviewing the nominees.

If you’re new and not familiar with The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, they are my own version of the Oscar Awards where I give out my Oscar Awards based on the same idiotic uninformed logic that we all use when we pick the movies we go to see. And as always, I’ve seen none of the Oscar nominated movies, which makes me the perfect person to pass judgement on all of Hollywood.

Everyone has filed in now and taken their seats in my very crowded living room. A few are left to stand. Woody Harrelson is drunk already and complaining about his obstructed view. “Why do I have to stand behind the lamp while Mr. Three Names, Daniel Day Lewis gets the recliner right up front He comes out of his cave once every five years to make a movie and everybody acts like he walks on water!” Security takes the glass of whiskey out of his hand. He pulls a flask out of his pocket.

Without further adieu, here are The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mary J. Blige, Allison Janney, Lesley Manville, Laurie Metcalf, and Octavia Spencer.  Mary J. Blige gets consideration just because I like her name. Including the middle initial and getting everyone in the world to always say it is a bad ass move, but she started as a singer, so she’s out. Pick a lane and stick to it.  I like Octavia Spencer because her first name sounds like she’s a supervillain in a Batman movie. Allison Janney was great on The West Wing and is hilarious in Mom. But, The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Supporting Actress goes to Laurie Metcalf for putting up with Rosanne Barr all those years.

Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Willem DaFoe, Woody Harrelson, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, and Sam Rockwell. Willem DaFoe will never be eligible in my eyes until he spells his name right. Never heard of Richard Jenkins or Sam Rockwell. Christopher Plummer deserves one for being the oldest human ever in a movie, but I’m sure he’s gotten one before. So, the Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Woody Harrelson for his role in Zombieland  and Cheers. (Woody immediately strips his shirt off and runs around the living room high-fiving everyone. He causes Meryl Streep to spill her drink all over Denzel Washington and he looks pissed. Woody uses the statuette to make an obscene gesture to Daniel Day Lewis.

Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water. Frances McDormand, Three Billboards. Margot Robbie, I, Tonya. Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird. Meryl Streep, The Post. Ok, first off, Saoirse Ronan, you’re cute, but I’ve never heard of you. Spend a couple years on a CW show and get back to me. Meryl Streep?!!? Puh-leeze! Why does she get nominated every time she rolls out of bed? In about ten years she’ll be doing adult diaper commercials and they’ll still be trying to give her Oscars for it. She’s got a garage full of them by now. I like the idea of Sally Hawkins pretending that she’s in love with a fish-man, but The Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Frances McDormand because her fist name is Frances. My middle name is Francis. If you go through life with Frances or Francis in your name you deserve a fecking award.

Film Independent/Martin McDonagh

Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Timothee’ Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name. Daniel Day Lewis, Phantom Thread. Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out. Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour. Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel Esquire. OK, first off, Timothee’ Chalamet? Really? Are you kidding me with that name? You sound like a character in Beauty and The Beast. “Security,” I bellow from the podium, “Please remove the snooty French guy. And while you’re at it, please remove Danny Lewis for being pretentious as well.” The kid goes quietly, but Daniel Day Lewis is tasered and dragged out unconscious. “And The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to, hold onto your hats folks, this is a big upset, … Jeff Goldblum for his role as The Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok. Lousy movie title, but Goldblum was hilarious.

Best Picture: This year, in an effort to keep more people interested, the Academy increased the number of nominees. The nominees are: Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour, Dunkirk, Get Out, Lady Bird, Phantom Thread, The Post, The Shape of Water, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.  Right off the bat, Three Billboards is out because it’s name is stupid. Lady Bird, Dunkirk, and The Darkest Hour are eliminated because they’re about old stuff that happened before I was born. I took history in school. I”m not going to the movies for it. Phantom Thread sounds good, but unfortunately it’s not about ghosts sewing or any kind of phantoms at all. False advertising!

We’re down to Call Me By Your Name, The Shape of Water, or Get Out.  Everyone knows water has no shape, unless you freeze it, and if it was frozen the janitor lady couldn’t go in it to make out with the fish man. Call Me By Your Name? The title makes no sense. Why would anyone want that? If I don’t know what the movie is about from the title, then forget it. The title Get Out seems like a counter-intuitive way to get people in the theater, so I didn’t go.  The winner of Best Picture at the 2018 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards is Star Wars: The Last Jedi because Mark Hamill returns  and does a kick ass job in an incredible scene in the movie where old Luke, by himself, faces off with the Imperial Forces.

That’s it for another year. What are your choices for this years Oscar Awards?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil