Category Archives: Current Events

Rock You Like a Hurricane?

First, before you read this, know that I am not making fun of the devastation and those who are effected by this weeks hurricane. I’m making fun of those who report on hurricanes because many of them are truly idiots.

My body is burning, it starts to shout
Desire is coming, it breaks out loud
Lust is in cages till storm breaks loose
Just have to make it with someone I choose

Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane (Are you ready, baby?)
Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane

It’s pretty obvious to anyone that Scorpions, in a rock song with perhaps the greatest guitar riff intro ever, were not talking about an actual hurricane. And all this week, I’m not entirely sure that television meteorologists are talking about a hurricane. Any TV broadcaster talking about the hurricane seems inordinately aroused by this weather event. Much like their sex, lives this probably only happens to them a couple times a year. And I’m not entirely sure that they don’t like this better. I swear that yesterday when the camera came back from an on screen graphic I saw Chris Cuomo and Ginger Zee adjusting their clothes.

Watch this video of a broadcaster allegedly battling the hellacious winds to stay upright when two gentlemen stroll past in the background apparently having no trouble at all. My first major in college was broadcasting and I don’t remember any of the lectures including the phrase “fake stuff to seem more dramatic.”

The funny part is, you never see any of these broadcasters the rest of the year. It’s like every network has a closet where they keep a half dozen people captive just waiting for something catastrophic like this. While they’re all in that secret closet waiting for a “weather event,” I imagine them all practicing enunciating words like storm surge, hunker down, and Nor’easter.  Seriously, is “hunkering down” the only way to survive a hurricane?

And lastly, Twitter was full of people wondering why this storm wasn’t called Daniels, just so the reporters could say that “the east coast is getting blown by Stormy Daniels.” Hey, I don’t make the news, I just report it. Have a great Sunday and I hope all of you in the path of the storm are safe and well. ~Phil

Stupid Things I Read This Week

Tom Cruise is seven years older than Wilford Brimley was when he played a grandfather in Cocoon in 1985. There’s two things that tells me; 1) Scientology and Just For Men hair dye are preserving Tom Cruise like a canned ham. You know how some crazy, rich celebrities and athletes sleep in an oxygen chamber to stay young? I’m certain that Tom Cruise sleeps in an a float therapy tank full of potassium sorbate 2) Wilford Brimley was born 50 years old. Look at that mustache. It would take me 50 years to grow one like that. Also, is Wilford Brimley not the oldest name in the history of names? I’m pretty sure that Wilford was one of the apostles. (Fun fact: Me and Tom Cruise were born in the same hospital)

A Lake In Mars? Who Cares!

This is another news story that gets “scientists” excited but does the rest of the world no good. Apparently “scientists” have discovered there may be an underground lake in Mars. How does this help us? The idea of water on Mars allegedly may be indicative that there once was or is some form of life. As I learned from Star Trek, just because our version of life needs water to survive, it doesn’t mean that life in the rest of the universe is exactly the same. And how many billions of dollars did it cost “scientists” to find this ridiculous Mars lake? How about using those billions of dollars to fix problems on Earth, where we live? I bet if you took the money it took to find the Mars lake and used it to put every terrorist into an apartment with a Netflix subscription there would be no more terror attacks. Or you could use the money to pay off at least 60% of the women Donald Trump has had affairs with. Hey “scientists” if you want me to stop calling you “scientists” in quotes, then do something really useful.

Hot Cheetos on the Hot Seat

This was the headline I saw earlier this week: Teen Had To Have Gallbladder Removed, Hot Cheetos May Be To Blame : A 17 year old from Tennessee…  She was eating four bags a day of Hot Cheetos. She was bringing bags to school. WTF? How about parents? Did she have any of those? The headline should say Parents Let Child Eat Herself Into Surgery! And obviously the teen was not a rocket scientist. But she’s obviously smart enough to be a “scientist.” Hey, maybe she should drink some of that Mars water to offset the hot cheetos.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Canada Has a Day?

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends out there. For those of you wondering, Canada Day is a celebration of the founding of Tim Hortons. Or it might also be a celebration of the enactment of the Canadian constitution which united the three colonies of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada into a single entity still owned by Britain.

As an American, I feel like I have to point out that it seem’s like Canada is trying to steal our thunder by placing their holiday just before ours. And they weren’t even declaring independence. They are just celebrating that someone erased and drew some new lines on the map. They we’re still the British empires b#@ch. And they were happy about it. Or should I say aboot it?

Now our celebration, Independence Day, is a reason to celebrate. WE broke away from the British Empire to form our own country. That’s something to be proud of. Canada, I think you were just creating a holiday so you get an extra day off in the summer. But, through blogging, I have virtually met many Canadians and they could not be nicer. As a Canada Day gift to my to Canadian friends, and everyone else, the following links are to my favorite Canada posts over the last 13 years of #ThePhilFactor:

Oh Canada!  May 1, 2006

Oh Canada! I’m Lovin’ It  January 9, 2007

Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion May 11, 2013

Canada: Elaborate Winter Them Park of Dangerous Adversary? Oct. 18, 2014

Canada’s Secret Foot Fetish June 24, 2017

So there you have it. All of those an ode to my love of Canada. Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends and as it is with St. Patrick’s Day, we are all a little Canadian today, aren’t we? Think of all the great things Canada has given us: Justin Bieber, Alex Trebek, and hockey in Las Vegas. Have a great Sunday!  ~Phil

 

Young Donald

When the TV show The Big Bang Theory came on the air I thought to myself, “Sure this is amusing, but how many nerd jokes can there be?” Apparently 12 years worth was the answer to my question. In the show, Sheldon Cooper is almost a tyrant to his roommates and friends, insisting they comply with his sometimes ridiculous demands.  CBS thought it was so funny that they created another show, Young Sheldon, based on the idea of showing the childhood of quirky character Sheldon Cooper.

I feel like we have another show in the United States featuring a quirky tyrant called The U.S. Presidency. That got me to thinking, if there could be a Young Sheldon, I wonder what a young Donald would be like?

Young Donald: Dad, the kids from next door keep coming into our yard and playing on my swings.

Daddy Trump: You should build a wall to keep them out.

Young Donald: But I don’t have the money for all the materials. Hmm… I know, I’ll make them pay for it!

Daddy Trump: That’s my boy!

Young Donald: (getting a feverish look in his eyes) Yes! And I’ll lock the younger kids in our dog kennel!

Daddy Trump: Ummm…Donny…

Young Donald in school at lunch:

Other Kid: Hey Donny, I”l trade you my tuna-fish sandwich for your ham sandwich.

Young Donald: First of all, don’t call me Donny. Don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. You can trade me your tuna-fish sandwich, but you’re going to have to pay me a Twinkie tax as well.

Or maybe Young Donald in debate club:

Young Kim Jong-Un: Donald, you have to stop threatening to fight my school.  This is debate club. You can’t say you’re going to obliterate my school.

Young Donald:  Fake News! If you try to oppose  me I will rain down fire and fury on your school!

Young Kim Jong-Un: Dude, lighten up. What are you talking about? WTF is ‘fake news’?

Young Donald: You know what? If you don’t back down I’m going to come over to your school to tell you how wrong you are.

That’s it for today everybody. Have a great rest of your weekend!  And CBS, I hope you don’t sue me for borrowing the picture and your show idea.

If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner…

mirror.co.uk

Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.

Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:

Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.

Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.

The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time,
but I’m here to tell you there’s something else” 

And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s GoBOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?

enprothomalo.com

The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.

The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.

I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)

Ten Quotes! Donald Trump or Kanye West?

The Cut

You know the routine. In the comments tell me which quotes you think belong to Donald Trump and which belong to Kanye West.

10. “I’m too busy writing history to read it.”

9. “When you’re the absolute best you get hated the most.”

8. “…we build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road, they blow them up, we build again. In the meantime we can’t get a fucking school in Brooklyn.”

Next week do I go with Donald Trump vs. Shrek quotes?

7. “I have millions of ideas and I represent a new generation just trying to express themselves in a broken world. I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”

6. “You know what, Trump is doing a much better job than the Democrats did.”

5. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

4. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”

3. “I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

2. “When you hear about slavery for 400 years…For 400 years? That sounds like a choice.”

1. “It’s really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”

There you go. Can you pick which quotes are Donald Trump and which are Kanye West? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

I Hate To Say I Told You So But… I Predicted #DeleteFacebook

OK, I love to say I told you so, but I will say that I didn’t nail this one exactly or in the time frame I imagined, but I got it close enough that I’m taking credit for another correct psychic prediction.

1. Facebook will die a very sudden death. Millions will flee the social media empire when it’s revealed that the social network was started as an extension of the NSA to monitor people and collect personal data. Zuckerberg is earning approximately 10 billion a year to sell us out to the man.”

I was close. Zuckerberg was selling our data, but not to our own government. He was selling it to those that sought to influence our election and government and now, as you’ll see in many articles across the internet, millions using the hashtag #DeleteFacebook, are leaving Facebook. Zuckerberg made money selling our data and when it was discovered people left Facebook in droves. I got that right didn’t I?

Having all this psychic stuff in my head is a burden, but it would be wrong not to share my gift with the world. My next prediction is that you’ll come back here tomorrow and discover that my Saturday post is hilarious. Have a great Friday! ~Psychic Phil