Category Archives: Current Events

You Were Wrong, Yes, YOU

Yes, you. You were  wrong yesterday. No, not the whole day. Just a tiny part of it. What part? The part where you voted on my Friday poll. If you didn’t, go ahead, scroll back, look at the poll, and feel free to vote or just think about what your answer would be. I’ll wait.

OK, done? Yes, you were wrong too. Yes, I said I would write about whichever subject got the most votes, but what I didn’t tell you was that you’re not the boss of me, and it’s my blog and I’ll write about whatever I want. I didn’t tell you that because I never imagined that so many would be so wrong. If I listened to all of you I’d have to write about the ridiculous, cartoonish, buffoonish, wanna be dictator who is currently employed at the White House.

In my poll results he was far and away the winner of who is having the worst year as far as public relations go. But that was just a poll, and you were wrong. Did I mention that? Your wrongness was astoundingly bad. As bad as Donald Trumps wrongness on nearly a daily basis. You were ‘navigator on the Titanic’ wrong. So, if you were wrong, as I’ve so eloquently established here, that begs the question, who is the right answer, Phil, or United Airlines? (And yes, I said Phil. It’s my blog and I’ll speak of myself in the third person if I want to. Phil doesn’t care what you think!)

Look, I’m sorry that you were wrong. Don’t worry, we all are sometimes. It’s just that most of the time some jackass with a blog doesn’t point it out to you in front of millions of readers. Just sip your coffee or tea and relax. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. Rest secure in the knowledge that the next time that you’re this wrong, I probably won’t be there to point it out to you. Life will punish you.

Although one intrepid voter did give me credit for having the worst 2017 so far, I contend that United Airlines has had a worse year than Donald Trump or I. Why, you ask? I know that we’re all familiar with the scene depicted in the picture above of a passenger being forcefully dragged off of a plane because United wanted to fly their own employees somewhere. But, were you aware of all the other stupid things United Airlines has done this year? You’re not? Let me count the ways!

Another Scorpion reported on United Flight: This one came in just yesterday. Look, it’s ok if it happens once. Occasionally the stray, venomous, killer creature will slip onto a flight, (Donald Trump gets on Air Force One almost every day!) but notice the title says Another Scorpion! It’s happened already this year. United Airlines has a scorpion problem like Florida has an alligator problem.

United Airlines Forced Woman To Pee In a CupApparently on a flight earlier this week a woman had to pee really bad. We can all empathize with this, right? Whether it’s on a flight, in a work meeting, or in your car on a road trip, we’ve all had to go to the point where we worry we’re going to ruin a good pair of pants if we don’t find relief soon. Apparently this woman wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom because the United flight attendants had the cart in the aisle to serve drinks . So, because they refused to let her go, she peed in a cup, then was reprimanded by the same flight attendants.

United Airlines Stopped Girls In Yoga Pants From Boarding FlightYes United Airlines, I know it’s your policy that anyone flying with a free ticket provided to them by a United Airlines employee has to adhere to the United Airlines dress code, but that is just stupid. Not allowing women on flights in yoga pants eliminates roughly half of all travelers. Also, 100% of men are in support of women in yoga pants. You’ve now made women and men mad and I’m pretty sure that most of your passengers are women or men. Also, yoga pants can be gender neutral and anyone can wear them. They make my ass look amazing.

So to summarize, United Airlines has scorpions, is opposed to yoga pants, but wants their passengers to pee their pants, and will occasionally brutalize passengers when their employees need a seat. That’s been their year. If I’m a competing airline, I’d be busy creating ads with people in yoga pants getting up and going to the bathroom on scorpion-free flights. Ok, this is enough words for one day. Yes, you were wrong, but now you’re an informed, and smarter reader. Oh, and please hit the Facebook share button below so that this eventually gets back to United Airlines. I’d love to write about them suing me. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Friday Poll! United Airlines vs. Donald Trump

It occurred to me that both United Airlines and Donald Trump are taking a beating in their popularity ratings so far this year. But who has had it worse when it comes to public opinion? Your vote will decide what I make fun of tomorrow.

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

People Are Stupid So Why Should It Be…

People are people so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully?  Well Depeche Mode, I’ll tell you why it should be. It’s because most of those people are either stupid or egregiously ego-centric, or probably both. Over the past two weeks I’ve traveled for work and then went on a vacation. The one constant between these two trip has been people. Mostly stupid people.

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A lot of people seem to have trouble walking. Not physical trouble, mind you. They’re up and walking about, but they walk like arrogant, self-centered jerks. You know that saying, Dance like no one is watching ? A lot of people walk like no one is in their way. Whether it be on a city street or at Epcot in Disney World, Last week at Epcot I wanted to punch at least thirty people in the throat because they just walked right at me in a stupor as if there was no one else in the world. Morons! They fix their eyes on on the burrito stand in Mexico Epcot and it’s full steam ahead in a direct line for their destination. If there is a short fence in front of these people they’d probably fall right over it. In a post from the distant past I referred to these as Hamster Ball People

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I was in Florida and on Tuesday I went to Epcot. About 5 minutes after I got there, the skies opened up as if Noah had just finished boarding all the animals.  Then the rain didn’t stop for at least 2-3 hours. The workers at Epcot were not in the least helpful. As I sloshed  from building to building in my waterlogged shoes I must have heard at least twenty of them say “This is good. We needed this rain. It’s been so dry.” I was tempted to scream at them, “NO! No WE didn’t need THIS RAIN! It’s my vacation! I come to Florida for sunshine and warmth! Everyone does. Shut up about the rain! Your only purpose in life when you live in Florida is to serve the tourists, and we don’t want ANY. FECKING. RAIN!!! These people also deserved a good throat punch, but since I was in the costliest happiest place on Earth, I didn’t do that.

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The Doomsday Clock: So this is a fun game. Just in case you weren’t aware, since World World II, the members of The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists have a clock that only they can adjust the time on and it’s sole purpose is to estimate how close the human race is to exterminating themselves. So last week, amidst the Trump/Russia/South Korea posturing, they moved the clock thirty seconds closer to midnight. Look at that picture. These guys look like loads of fun! They must have been thrilled to be in the news. For scientists though, their production quality leaves a lot to be desired. That’s it? That’s their graphic? A piece of cardboard? In about 5 minutes, 90% of all second grade children could have whipped up a kick ass power point with animated graphics. Oh, and scientists, thanks for your information. I believe that I spoke for all humankind a few weeks ago when I posted Hey Scientists! Shut The H#LL Up!

Well, that was my week. How was yours? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Throwback Saturday? Daylight Stupid Time

I hate Daylight Savings Time and since 2006 when I first wrote it, I have vowed to post this every time we change our clocks:

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that this weekend in the U.S. we move our clocks ahead by an hour and my reminder that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 7 or 8 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me. Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anthying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Could There Be Snakes in YOUR Can?

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The answer to the title question is YES! The concept of the 2006 movie Snakes on a Plane is scary for just about anyone. There’s one thing scarier: snakes in your can, otherwise known as the loo, the John, the crapper, the khazi, the dunny, latrine, or toilet.

(As an aside, I also saw that in some places the word Vin was used for a toilet, which seems apropos when describing a Vin Diesel movie. Sorry Vin, but seriously, you gotta know you’re not doing Shakespeare out there, right?)

Yes, that picture above took place in Texas a month ago. Young Isaac McFadden went to use the bathroom, found that, and screamed for Mom because Dad wasn’t home. Mom called Dad, described the snake and he informed her that it was indeed a dangerous, venomous snake. So she got some garden implements and killed it. For those of you from outside the United States, that’s a pretty typical day in Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida. After killing the snake, they called their local snake removal company (yes, there was one. Where I live there are none) and the snake removal company found 24 other rattlesnakes lurking in the basement and under the house.

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See that picture? Somebody in South Africa found an 8 foot (2.5 meters) cobra in their toilet. Trust me, after looking into these stories online, when nature calls in the middle of the night, I will never ever walk into the bathroom without turning the light on first. Check out these two headlines I found when researching:

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It goes on and on. One crazy snake in the toilet story after another. A lot of people worry about war and terrorists and end of the world scenarios. I’m suddenly very worried about the snakes.

At the snake meeting:

Snake Leader: I hereby by call this Snake meeting to order!

Audiences of snakes: Hiss! Hiss! Hiss! …

Snake Leader: Thank you everyone. I am Ted, President of the Snakes, And yes, we are filing a copywrite infringement suit against the current U.S. President for his implied use of that title.

Audience: Hiss! Hiss! Hiss! Hiss!

Snake Leader Ted: Thank you, thank you. Please hold your applause until the end of the meeting, and could the rattler contingent from Texas please keep your butts still while I’m speaking?   Just a few housekeeping items first. The restrooms are down the tunnel on the left, and following the meeting there will be mouse hors d’ouvres and water reception in the foyer. I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you here today. Well, the truth is, we have a problem. It seems the humans are no longer terrified of us. Thanks to Disney movies, we’re seen as comical and harmless. The slithering through their gardens and hissing barely registers anymore. Does anyone have any ideas?

Young Snake speaks up: Well, the other day I was swimming in a sewer and before I knew it, I was inside one of the humans toilets! Oh boy, she screamed and screamed. And after she peed on me, you should have seen her run!

Snake Leader Ted: Then it’s settled. As soon as we eat all the mouse hors d’ouvres, we’d better do that quickly, the toothpicks will only hold those squirmy little buggers on the crackers so long, then I want everyone to head for the toilets! First the toilets, then the world! Huzzah!

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I’m telling you, in doing research on this topic, I found stories from nearly every country of snakes showing up in toilets. If that isn’t evidence that we’re infringing on nature’s territory, I don’t know what is. I know all our governments are busy fighting terrorists, but I wouldn’t mind if they spent some of those resources on this snakes in the toilet problem. In fact, when I run for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, that’s going to be my entire campaign.

When you get done with your morning coffee or tea and you have to go to the loo, please think of this. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The 4th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

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Tomorrow all the Hollywood types, that have yet to invite me into their exclusive club, get together in L.A. to pat themselves on the back. This is my wildly popular annual feature where I , without having seen any of the movies, suggest who should win all the major Academy Awards, otherwise known as The Oscars. Yes, I am able to let go of my grudge and any related animosity towards the Academy for never having given me an Oscar for blogging. I’ll start with the lesser categories, such as Losers  Best Supporting Actor and Actress and work my way up to Best Picture.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mahershala Ali in Moonlight, Jeff Bridges in Hell or High Water, Lucas Hedges in Manchester by The Sea, and Michael Shannon in Nocturnal Animals. Jeff Bridges and Lucas Hedges are both out because their last names are the plural of an inanimate object. Michael Shannon is out because his name is actually two first names and one of them is a girl. The winner is, drumroll please, Mahershala Ali because he might be the son or grandson of Muhammed Ali, who could probably still beat me up if I don’t choose his grandson.

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Best Actress in a Supporting Roll: The nominees are: Viola Davis in Fences,  Naomi Harris in Moonlight, Nicole Kidman in Lion, Octavia Spencer in Hidden Fences, Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea. My first instinct was to go with Nicole Kidman because she’s really attractive, but the fact that her hubby, Keith Urban always looks like his hair hasn’t been washed in months ruled her out. Next up was Octavia Spencer who almost won my Snap Judgement Oscar Award because Octavia sounds like a villain from a James Bond movie. I didn’t give Naomi Harris a single thought. Michelle Williams almost won because I first thought she was actress Kimberly Williams who is married to Brad Paisley. Drumroll please, the winner is Viola Davis, but in an upset, it’s not for her role in Fences but for her brilliant work as bad ass boss Amanda Waller in the Marvel comics Suicide Squad movie.

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Best Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw Ridge, Ryan Gosling in La La Land, Viggo Mortensen in Captain Fantastic, Denzel Washington in Fences, Casey Affleck in Manchester by the Sea. I didn’t see Manchester, but Casey Affleck is ruled out because of that picture above. Who wants to see a movie featuring the less bad Affleck brother moping on a beach? Ugh. No thanks. Andrew Garfield got consideration due to his previous work as Spiderman, but he’s like 40 years old playing a 20 year old in the army. I think he has grandchildren. I didn’t know Ryan Gosling even acted. I thought he was just a stupid internet meme. Denzel? Look Denny, the ladies love you, and that should be enough. In an incredible twist, my Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. Funniest movie of the year.

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Best Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Isabelle Huppert in Elle, Ruth Negga in Loving, Natalie Portman in Jackie, Emma Stone in La La Land, Meryl Streep in Foster Florence Jenkins. Isabelle Huppert and Ruth Negga are both ruled out because I’ve never heard of them or their movies. No offense ladies. I’m sure you’re lovely, but if I haven’t heard of you or your movie then neither is good enough to win. Meryl Streep, sorry. You’ve already won too many awards. You’re too good an actress to win this. Natalie Portman does deserve one for her work as Princess Amidala in one of the Star Wars movies and if there’s any justice in this world she’ll return and replace Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini. That would win an award! The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actress goes to Emma Stone, not for La La Land, but for her work in two Spiderman movies and The Rocker, co-starring Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute from The Office.)

Here’s the big one…

Best Picture nominees are: Manchester by the Sea, La La Land, Arrival, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, Hell or High Water, Hidden Figures, Lion, and Moonlight. Lion and Moonlight are out because the titles are too short and unmemorable. If they put them together and made the movie “A Lion in the Moonlight” I would go see that. Separately they just suck. Hacksaw Ridge and Hell or High Water both sound too violent. The world doesn’t need more violence right now. Manchester by the Sea? Puh-leez! Casey Affleck never even went in the Sea when he was in Manchester. The title is a lie. Hidden Figures? No thanks. I want movies about things I can see. La La Land? Nonsense titles are no good, just ask The Police (Da Doo Doo Doo..) and The Beatles (Obli de, Obli da…) . Fences? Enough with the building walls. Denzel Gorbachev Washington, “take down that wall”. The 2017 winner of The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture is Arrival because it stars the adorable Amy Adams who played the girlfriend of Jim Halpert for a season on The Office.

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Feel free to share on social media! Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Friday? The Official Blog of the Super Bowl!

(01/31/15) I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of The #SuperBowl, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.

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For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as the #SuperBowl. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl’ because the NFL (No Phil League) literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet.) Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.

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I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the right to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, on Downton Abbey last week Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.

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What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states of Washington and Colorado  think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?

I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil