The Guy Code of Conduct: Public Bathroom Etiquette

As is well known, women have the “never go to a public restroom alone” rule. Women also have several other rules devoted to their bathroom habits, but to imply that I know them would say something bad about me. I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be good. Despite what women believe, we are not complete barbarians. There are some rules we live by when it comes time to answer the call of nature. In fact, The Guy Code of Conduct has an entire chapter devoted entirely to how, when, and where men eliminate metabolic waste. Here are some of those rules:

1. If you are intoxicated and it is after dark, it is entirely acceptable to urinate anywhere outdoors, just look out for other men who also might be out there urinating in the dark.

2. In a public restroom never use the urinal immediately next to another man if it is possible to go elsewhere, like two urinals down the row, in a stall, or in the sink. Whenever possible you must attempt to keep a three foot buffer zone between you and other urinating men.

3. In a public restroom never use the urinal next to another man unless there is at least one of those little dividers. If there is no divider and the stalls or sinks are full, just wait your turn.

4. If you are using a urinal immediately next to another man just stare straight ahead and do not speak.

5. Speaking while urinating is allowed under only two circumstances: a)if two men are peeing outside and there is an appropriate buffer zone between them, or b) if two men are using urinals and there is a divider and one empty urinal between them.

6. Things you should never pee on: the fire, electric fences, other men, women, your food. (This rule was first written by two cavemen named Ed and Thog during the Jurassic period and originally only included the reference to the fire. Over the years through trial and error the list was expanded to include the other items.)

There is also an index in the back of The Guy Code of Conduct which includes world records involving urination, such as distance, from the greatest height, volume, off of famous landmarks etc.

26 responses to “The Guy Code of Conduct: Public Bathroom Etiquette

  1. So I gotta ask – how frequent is sink use by guys? And what the hell brought this post on? Is there a pee adventure to be shared?

  2. I am so glad that I’m not a man. Holy crap. I could NEVER go pee next to another person doing the same. Here at Turner Field (baseball stadium) I’ve been told that there is basically a big trough that the men urinate in. *Shudder*

  3. MaryBeth- Yes, I was at a conference last week at a urinal and a guy came right up and used the one right next to me. No divider and there were stalls available near by. It creeped me out. BTW, sink use is only occasional at sporting events and dive bars,or the utility sink in the basement if they’re working.Linny- Yes, there are troughs like that at every major sports venue and some bars.

  4. Holy craptastick batman! And I thought it was rough being a girl in a public bathroom. I’d rather do long division than have to remember the man-laws of the bathroom. I never have to worry about seeing the person in the stall next to me.

  5. At certin sporting events or concerts or even bars I would love to have the trough thingie. I have no issue going pottie infront of another woman or man in that case, if I have to go. Especially if beer is involved…man once you break the seal… if you gotta go, you gotta go!!

  6. I love your Guy Code of Conduct posts. They’re so informative. I have two brothers. We had a boat. Never pee into the wind off a boat. Especially if your sister is standing down wind, and just may be holding a knife used for gutting fish. Very, very dangerous.

  7. Thanks for sharing. Your “guy code” posts are far and away my favourite.Although for point #1, how can I put this … Ew! The afterdark thing is important though. When I was in Florida walking on the beach (in the morning), a guy did “it” on one of the wooden posts. I was barefoot at the time. Double “Ew!!!” Guess he did not know about the “after dark” rule. Note to self, avoid walking barefoot on Florida beaches.

  8. I had a peeing contest with the little boy across the street when I was 3. I can’t quite recall, but I’m pretty sure he won.

  9. You mean you don’t look and compare the sizes of your wangs ??? Darn, I would’ve sworn that’s what you did !!Don’t you get stage-fright, having to wee beside someone else … I think I prefer the privacy of being a female !!Take care, Meow

  10. #6 has ONE exception – when stung by a jelly fish… then, pee on that person as fast and as much as possible

  11. and don’t ask how i know – if you do we will have to change my name from question girl to answer girl

  12. That’s weird, just tonight Wanda Sykes was on Leno talking about the pee trough thing and all I could think was “How do they clean that??!!??” And by the way, if I’m in a group of people and go to pee and some other girl wants to tag along, I think it’s weird. The only time I think it’s acceptable to go to the bathroom with another girl is if we want to talk about or laugh at someone at our table.

  13. wanderinggirl- I’m not kidding. These are the unspoken laws of the bathroom. Of course if we’re drunk, all bets are off.Michigan!- How great to see you here again! You seem like a very enlightened woman when it comes to urination. (What a great compliment huh?)Josie- Your brother broke no rules, you’re a family member. You can pee on family members.dzeni- Glad you like The Guy Code posts. I guess an ammendment to No. 1 is that you can pee anywhere at anytime if you think you can get away with it.

  14. Jmai- Oh don’t be so modest. I’m sure you won the peeing contest!Meow- OMG no! We don’t look at each other while we pee! We’re all terribly homophobic. Question Girl- Believe it or not, I knew the pee on a jelly fish sting thing too.Geewits- The troughs always have a small drain at one end, and they definitely don’t look like anyone has ever cleaned them.

  15. Tev and I were just talking about the trough! I have to say ewwww!I have a rule of conduct in the women’s bathroom…one stall separation. Always leave an empty stall between yourself and the next person. It is so annoying when there are 10 stalls empty and someone comes in and uses the one next to mine. It’s just creepy.

  16. It’s also very poor form to brag whilst using the trough, as in: “My God but the water at the bottom of this urinal is cold!”Cheers, Ian

  17. I always like to tell a joke to the person standing right next to me, then laugh histerically. Is this wrong? 🙂

  18. I can’t even comment…I will refrain, so I don’t get on my soap box about gender.-N

  19. I’ve never understood the concept of the urinal. Why should peeing be a semi-public event? In my head, it’s kinda like removing the stalls and having the toilets next to eachother. It just doesn’t make any sense. Either way, I’m pretty happy I don’t have a schwong to worry about:D

  20. hmmmm…. “never pee on fire” has been ignored by my husband, in fact he pees on bonfires every chance he gets! That and peeing in the ocean, lakes, rivers, puddles, snow, shrubs, dust, (pretty much everywhere outdoors actually). He WILL NOT pee in the shower though, and I always thought that was a strange place to “draw the line”.

  21. LOL What is it about men and their phobia aboaut seeing another man’s penis accidentally?? I thnk that is hilarious!!! lol

  22. Sherbears- I guess men and women feel the same in regards to the one stall separation whenever possible.Ian- Thank you for that. In deference to the delicate sensibilities of my female readers I refrained from such jocularity.Gary- Yes, it is wrong and it will be discussed at the next Man Meeting.Natalia- Oh c’mon, I love when you get on your soapbox about gender! I may have to write something just to provoke you into it.

  23. ChooChoo- I’m with you. In fact I never even acknowledge publicly that I use restrooms.Pol- Welcome to The Phil Factor. Your husbands decision not to pee in the shower is a good one, especially if you’re in there with him.Chelle- We have no problem seeing other mens penises, we just don’t want to be caught looking. I just typed something else but deleted. It could have been the beginnning of a very slippery slope. I had better get a new post up here pronto.

  24. “If you are intoxicated, and it is after dark”….Nauseating. Just because you can pee standing up, does NOT mean that the world is your toilet….I have Never peed outside, and will never pee outside. But I suppose its what separates men who are jerks and think that they can do whatever they want, from the rest of civilized society.

  25. Interesting post – my boyfriend and I had this very conversation recently after he found himself with someone peeing next to him, and *gasp* starting a conversation. At least there was a divider.

  26. In my time in uniform you did pee on fires to confuse the enemy on how long ago it had been burning…and to make sure it was really dead… having to put out a bush fire caused by some troopie too lazy to pee on his fire is hard work!

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